i catch myself

i catch myself  looking at you--like i have never seen you-

you fold your arms and slowly close your eyes---i tip toe out of the room-

your words echo in my heart and mind and i find i am alone with my thoughts-

the window twinkles with the bright afternoon sun---i wave a fly away, but never think of killing it---no i just let it be-

as i do with you, as you do with me---and there is peace in this knowledge--if not a constant--close enough--

i catch myself staring your way and you wake up, telling me you were never asleep---i remember i know you, i remember i love you-

being honest--just a little

good monday morning blogging friends and others that might occasionally take a peek at this blog----

i am feeling the need or urge to write today-----funny, i was just telling frank that i was giving up my blog---

i really didn't know exactly why i was thinking this way, but it seemed to make sense---kinda like that one change thingy-----but here i am-----

unlike most of you or lots of you--i am the lazy writer----i would so enjoy being able to make money at this thing i do---but i am not willing to work for it----

my passion for writing comes and it goes----and from all the published writers out there, it sounds like it is agony to try to make it in the writing world----

i do toy with the idea of writing a new poetry collection---but someone will have to "discover" me haha-



well enough about that---i planned to write today about what i have observed and or learned about life and people and myself, the last couple of days--

okay i will jump in now-----oh and by the way, i am always happy to have comments---but i must tell you that i am not writing this today, to have anyone argue with me------not that i have had anyone do that yet---but then again, i don't usually talk very honestly about my opinion and such---

i think more people are cruel and judgemental (i know, i am judging here)----and truly mean spirited----i think the loving caring people are rarer than i once thought----bloggers must have the nice gene, by the way---

i have once again confirmed that buying things for other people and cooking, for them is one of the things i enjoy most in life----i have a deep desire to pray for people too--but i do not enjoy this, because it is so hard------

-----the older i get, the more i miss being young----i can sit and do nothing, a lot easier, except when i am in church----let me explain--

i do not know what it is---it has nothing to do with the service or the preacher, the choir or anything but me-------i guess that is one of the reasons i did children's church so long----when i am at church, i am better, if i am running around doing something------i loved to do the goody bags and "think" of the craft stuff---i could never implement the craft---just an idea person---

but i don't want to do children's church any longer----i don't think-------okay back to life and other people

great things can come along sooner----waaaaay sooner than you think-----something you thought would be looooong down the road, can sneak up on ya and shock your heart back into rythmn--

okay people----hmmmm, i was pretty hard on them back up there, wasn't i----wish i could tell ya i didn't mean it---but, if you ever experience something in life, something that is life crushing---you will see how many can hang with ya---yeah there may be lots flocking in the beginning---but we humans move on when it gets just too darn hard---

life is not easy, people cannot be expected to understand, and i won't always be writing this blog or writing period------one day i won't give a fig about what's for dinner----but for today, i am once again struggling with whether to have tater tots or fries---

i had a terrible time deciding what to call this post

monday monday---hmmmmm---but here i am, writing cause i feel like it---

i just finished making mexican spaghetti---not too sure if i think it has enough flavor--or cheese---i don't think it can ever have the right amount of cheese for me-----

i still struggle with the love of cooking and the crazy part i have shared with you all---at least i haven't had any dreams that ended up on paula deen's show, in a while-------

sometimes i wonder if i have a form of ocd----not to minimize those who suffer dearly with it---but i think i have some sort of issue with choices---

which leads me to share something i heard on the "today" show this morning----in a segment about inspiring seniors--this one man said that "it is better to be decisive than right"----boy that rang true to me----i  immediately called frank to share this new treasured insight---

i mean if ya keep waiting and deliberating too long, sometimes the option or decision is no longer there or relevant-----sometimes we just have to pray--wait a bit---and make up our freaking minds----

life is so full of choices that don't seem to matter and maybe some of them don't---but i don't believe we are gonna get zapped if we choose the wrong door once in a while---

anyway--i thought it was a great idea---and i am going with it---and it's funny, except for the grocery, menu, and cooking thing, i am pretty decisive---probably more than the average person----and yeah lots of not so wonderful turns occasionally----

the other piece of advice on the show today was--"to change one thing"---i thought it was a great theory---

so i changed a couple of things this morning----i made mexican spaghetti instead of regular and i didn't label in my mind each piece of clothing as i did the laundry----if you are not a usual reader of my blog, you may not get some of this stuff---hmmmm  i don't know, i know it was on one of the a-z blogs, where i stupidly admit my idiosyncrasies a bit-----

i am gonna change it up a tad also today and end with a piece of my own original advice----always buy more cheese than you think you will need and never buy cheap aluminum foil--

that day

the sun came streaking in, blinding my eyes for a brief moment---long enough to make me wonder at the day--

what would this one hold, how would it prove to be different from any other day i had lived or if it would be--

i stumbled up and out of the compfy place of non-resistance and dream filled hours---

what would be required of me this day---i knew better to ask that dangerous inquiry----but my hand flew up none the less-----no answer was given--

i muttered through each passing detail---and managed to reach the end of day's light---

i opened the book to the last read page---i stared at it as though i had never even taken in a sentence---

i waited---then it stood before me----there was my reason, my purpose, my one thing that was asked of me that day--

how i could have missed it---if only but for a minute's delay or change of wind---

i asked myself, why i could not see---could not see what was before me---whether blinded by sunlight or hidden in darkness----it is only in the brilliance of His time, will my eyes reflect the vision---

the mini vacation--re-post from 2009 just because i was thinking of this time

i hope ya missed me yesterday--we went away saturday and came back sunday--thought i would write something yesterday morning before we left--but sometimes ,good intentions----

we went to a place we've gone before, just a little town near us-- it has a really historic downtown shopping district--pretty quaint

we decided we would just try and relax,and we did

there's a small beach area near by --we rode there and had lunch at this place we had been to before -- it has a beautiful view - overlooking the water. we remembered the food wasn't too good but the view was worth it --this time the food was great although the prices had gone up !

we stayed at the same hotel we always stay-- if we go back , i think we'll try a new place-we probably won't go back anytime soon , to spend the night, but might go back at Christmas time as the downtown is so beautiful then.

we ate dinner at a nearby mexican place-- think i've had my fill of mexican for a long while--their food was so bland--i asked for some sauce --the waitress didn't seem to understand me -- i said -ya know like ah taco bell--she brought me something--didn't help much---i saw waiters serving this large dish of ice-cream to people around us-- i told my husband we should order that --like how much could ya mess up ice-cream--seems like the dish i was seeing was a taco salad-- didn't order it.

we really didn't do much but there were moments, i know will become fond memories---riding into the town-early afternoon- raining hard, the lights that you see only at night on and sparkling-- . my daughter says - ya know , there's something so neat about this -the rain the Christmas lights (she calls them) and michael feinstien playing--told ya she was an old soul.

plan to take more of these mini vacations, for after all how many years will i be able to ride around taking life as it comes -- singing with my husband and daughter to james taylor and the jonas brothers---i know well it won't be long.

lately

well, let's see now---what do i have to share today----

i am going to be alone pretty much all day, as robyn and her bf are going on some sort of adventure/surprise to robyn today----they are so cute, yesterday was their first month anniversary, of officially dating :)

i really like him, as a matter of fact i kinda picked him out----really i should give God the credit, as i had done a lot of praying about the right one---and who knows, he seems to be---

last night we went to the funeral home, for a young man, whose father died---this young man has been like a member of our family for a long time-----many of my sons friends were there to support their friend---it still shocks me when i see some of them and hear them talking about how old they are all getting, who has gray hair and how many children they each have---but it's so nice that these boys are still close and bonded for life--

years ago, i had planned to do a documentary on this group of boys in our neighborhood and quite a few others---they had named themselves, the "fernbrook crew"--after our neighborhood's name-----they were not a gang, just a close bunch of kids, hanging out---getting into the occasional trouble, but mostly just growing up and "chilling"-------i never did the documentary and sometimes still think about doing one----


lately, i feel at loose ends---sorta like i am watching life go by and being okay with it----i wait for the drive to do something and it just does not come----i say to myself---i'm fine, but then i feel like i shouldn't be--ya know what i mean------it's kinda like that january poem i wrote--you may remember, the one where i write about, wanting to sleep and eat waffles-----

but in reality, i think i am nesting----not for a baby----that would have gotten your attention---but for robyn and all of her life plans-hopes- and daydreams and love life------

sometimes as a parent, that is what your focus is on----------and my other children of course---but it's like, i have the last little birdie, i have to get ready to fly away---

so i leave you now with a thought that has been rolling around in this almost post summer brain of mine----have you ever tried frozen waffles and how do you think they compare with homemade-

school daze (re-post from september 4th 2009)

as the school year is set to begin next week - i find myself thinking about things that have happened to my kids at school through the years--i am also thinking a lot about my grandchildren - and hoping this year will be a great school year for all of them--only 2 won't be going to school, and 2 of my grand-daughters will be going for the first time!

i start with a preschool memory--my second born son was in his second year of preschool--he was already having somewhat of a hard time since his little sister was in and out of the hospital a lot that year--one day my husband called me on the way home from work--he had stopped at the store and was calling to see what i needed--i told him and then inquired how was my son he was suppose to pick up from preschool--he said gotta go, and i knew what had happened--frank said when he got to the school, all the other children had gone - there was our son sitting on the floor playing- he looked at his dad and said -oh hi dad, i was worried about you--i was so mad at my husband!

i jump ahead quite a few years to my first born son's junior year--he had a problem with one of his teachers- it was the first week of school --believe me i didn't usually call the school and complain,but this time i did--well the next afternoon my second son comes home from school -running in the house before his brother could get to me-- he lets me know i will be getting a call from their principal concerning his brother of course ( why else would he have been so eager to let me know) --i decide i'm gonna be pro-active - i call the school and get the principal--i tell him what my son said- that i should be expecting a call--he says-- oh yes mrs. proctor, i was going to call you - it seems that your son, was found "gatoring" on a table in the "commons" in a bra and skirt-i didn't know what to say to that, i asked - just a bra and skirt--oh no it was over his clothes--thank God for that--i ask him what is "gatoring"(bad question)--he says mrs. proctor ,have you ever seen "animal house"--no i say- highly indignant! fully humiliated- i say to him--isn't it funny that i call you yesterday and complain about something and today you just HAPPEN to find MY son doing this !! --he says ma mm i had no idea who your son was until i found him "gatoring on the table in a bra and skirt--uh huh i say and hang up--a little side line to this - the teacher that i had called to complain about in the first place , turned out to be my son's favorite teacher and a wonderful mentor--the moral --wait wait wait before you call any school and complain about anything your teenager tells you--you never know if they have a bra and skirt in their backpack-