Monday, January 28, 2013

writing from the light side

okay----i know i have been, well shall i say a little dark lately---so as i am feeling not necessaryly light this morning but kinda upbeat---i thought, hmmmm it might be interesting to just let myself go and write on one of these kind of days----

wow---where to begin----you would think with all the stuff going on right now with robyn and dillon, i would be writing my brains out about it---but for me, sometimes it is too much for me to share details---kinda overwhelming and stressful----i would compare it to when one of my special angels would have a doctor's appointment--and they were always filled with hard to explain information---but waiting family would call me asking for the findings of the days events----i found myself cutting out more and more stuff as the phone calls increased----too bad i didn't have facebook back then and could have just sent a mass message----anyway, did that make sense---i mean comparing that to why i am not writing about the wedding plans yet---

so what to share----

i sure wish i could make over my house---does that sound trite----i will share this about kinda the wedding--we had a lovely brunch and reception planning time with robyn's future in-laws yesterday----oh did i mention, dillon's mom is a master cake designer and caterer-----i know i know-----well any who---their house was immaculate---i still like them though---

these last few nights have made me think of all kinds of lists and things-----you know, i probably should have gone into the gift basket business-----

yes i am aware i am rambling----this is probably why i don't write more when i am kinda hyper and hopeful-

but seriously--it is nice to have the sun shining in my heart today, even though it is raining buckets---

it is nice to have sweet times to plan and dwell on---

it's a good day to count my blessings and plan for grand-kids sleep-overs---a great day to discover the Easter egg lights, i found on clearance this past year---to plug them in and get a thrill---and think, how i can't wait to display them for the kids on the egg-hunt day-

see rainy days and mondays don't always have to get ya down

Thursday, January 24, 2013

do you hear it

softly it ran past her----it came out of nowhere----rounded and cloudy, it descended from an unknown place

visible to those who would choose to see it's outline----but hidden from the cold ones, the empty souls of the greedy

shush----do you faintly hear it's echo-----no-----it cries for your favor-always turning it's many dispositions

alone in the rainy forest, it tip-toes like it was still crunchy---how i love that sound----and it's hard to recreate it in this moist abandoned island

so closing her heavy portholes  to the world---the wistful lull of her sleep calls her back----and there it sprints past her again so far from her, she questioned it's existence and as she rose to call it back---- she was unable to speak it's name

Monday, January 21, 2013

will i just shut-up----not now

i don't know what i thought life would look like---glancing out at 58------not the young girl of just the other day--not the young mother of a minute ago----and not yet--as far as i know---the even older, lady of one day---

i hate self reflection for the most part-----but yet

oh well, today i am not gonna beat myself up about any of the many feelings and emotions i have stirring within me---i will just be happy that anything is stirring in me

oh youth, is it wasted on the young---isn't that what an eighty year old would say to me----there's that "everything's relative" thing again----

as i sit here at my corner of my space, i can feel the warmth of the welcome sun, but i haven't even bothered to slit the drapes--no not one little bit--

is it me that has my last child planning a wedding----who is this stranger i have become-----years ago, i would have had no patience for these kinds of questions or let alone thoughts-----oh yes i hear you, i know the time is short and i am wasting it----so be it-------maybe i am suppose to be at this place and at this junction "this" time in my journey of existence---

if you are still reading---remember my disclaimer----who knows what is real and what is an illusion---hmmmm does that remind anyone else of a song-----;)

Monday, January 14, 2013

she left the house....

i really kinda hate myself for putting up this little "disclaimer" or explanation if you will---i always told the drama group, i lead, that we never wanted to neatly tie up the skit or play or scene we were presenting--to let the viewer determine it's meaning for them---etc.------but as a blogger, we are not just handing out a book in the bookstore for total strangers, whom we will never probably meet (except at an occasional book signing)----no the blogging community is sorta like a chosen family and you put yourself out there, naked sometimes----and sorta afraid that they are always taking you literally or thinking you are in some deep depression or worse-----yes i have my dark days ---but mostly when you read something that might be disturbing, it is mainly just my creative juices flowing and sometimes it is really my fears and the like coming out---as we tend to care about each other, i find it necessary to say this today

she walked around that house for hmmmm many years, she wore an old lady's housecoat most of the time

she cooked breakfast and dinner everyday and cried easily-------she left in a body bag

i can see her sulking around and being silent--oh how i wish i had mastered her art of silent fighting, i think---

once she came to my school and blessed out everybody in sight---when i had been beaten up, by a girl---

she left in a body bag-

alone she had many unhappy thoughts and with me she would often share them---she was a gentle spirit from the past, not wanting confrontation, but never shrinking away when needed---

all of her clothes were painfully purchased----she once had been thin and one day would return to thinness---as she left in a body bag

as i knew she was coming down the hallway and i would choose to view this departure or go into the den---i knew what i must do------and it wasn't on a gurney ---no they carried her--rather awkwardly-----and i thought to myself----this can't be the way it ends, this can't be the last time she leaves this house, this home--never to return---she should have on her pantsuit or her flowery Sunday dresses-----but she left in a colorless body bag---i am pretty certain---although as i watched this---i told myself, she wasn't in it---

Wednesday, January 9, 2013


 this morning as i am making my spaghetti sauce---i again am reminded of this long ago post---i had asked my dad to come over for dinner tonight and he accepted, only to call me this morning with the request for a "rain-check"----oh sure, it's fine---if he only knew----you know the food issues i have---well when i make my semi homemade sauce, it really rears it's ugly strange head----part of it is i cannot see the expiration dates very well on the jars, i add to my sauce and thus the craziness of spaghetti hell begins......

                                  this part starts the repost

i am right now preparing spaghetti sauce --but the ? is why ( by the way my knee is better-probably wasn't good for it standing up chopping away )

a couple of weeks ago i decided to make spaghetti for my daughter-in-law's b-day dinner- great idea right-- not!! figured it would be easy and didn't have the money to take everyone out to eat- in comes my son and his family of 6 ready to eat. i had used a really BIG pot for the noodles-my husband almost burned himself trying to pour out the water--steam filling the kitchen till you could hardly see the grand-kids as they asked--"can i have garlic bread"--"i don't like spaghetti"--"hey nana you know what i want for Christmas"--and "hey do you have anymore of those blue drinks"--"can i sit at the bar" (counter, they like to call it bar ).

i thought it would be nice to put the spaghetti on a big platter and serve it home style- but first i had to get the noodles out with the tongs that were conveniently in the one drawer that was stuck like nobody's business! yeah it was going great!

so that's why i say to all that- i would not make the stupid mistake of having spaghetti when extra people were coming over

but here i am making my sauce for my dinner with my parents---they say insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results----CALL ME CRAZY

Thursday, January 3, 2013

winter thoughts

she touched the ice, it melted in between her fingers, dripping silently to the frozen ground----waiting to hold it's crystals again---when had she come here---where was she----she bent down to pick up some bird's feather, but it was embedden in the grassy snow--

her time had come and she knew full well that all around her was the motion of the wind and it would soon be taking her to another world----she held no fear and reasoned, that she might be dreaming----

her breath out in front of her in little circles----floating toward the heavens----

the beauty before her, called her name and she knew she had heard this voice before----only a few times, but it was like an old friend or fleecy blanket enveloping her in serenity--

the ice was all but gone now as she pressed it to her thirsty lips, tasting it as though it was a luscious nectar---she opened her satin cape, tossing it as she painfully opened her other hand and let go of it's content