the Census

A few years ago I started searching my family history - I really didn’t get as much information as I thought I would- for the most part if you didn’t have the right questions you wouldn’t get far

One bit of history revealed a mystery to this day
It came from an old census of my grandmother’s family
It seems there was a sister my grandmother had — she only appears in two years census and at the last one she was nine years old

When I discovered this - there was virtually no one to ask about who she was and what had happened to her

My father who was already losing much of his short term memory— still had a great deal of his long term memory— as I inquired if he remembered any stories about what would have been his aunt— he had no recognition of her

Her name was in one was Fannie but the other one listed her as Tunnie- which I assumed was perhaps a nickname

We visited the church cemetery where much of her family is buried- no sign of Tunnie

I wondered if she might have been buried on her parents property which was not in our family any longer

this summer I’m thinking of going to the place where her house once stood and try and find some marker or grave

Had it not been for that old old census record I would have never known of little Tunnie but now she is forever in my heart

The blackberry cobbler

I’ve mentioned my grandmother’s blackberry cobbler before — it’s calling to me this morning

It’s not just the wonderful deliciousness of it but the feelings and memories it evokes

My grandmother’s cobbler was accompanied by a creamy warm lemon sauce- mostly I enjoyed it by itself
On a clear look back I really have to say it was not my favorite dessert my grandmother made
But one that captures the essence of that sweet time in my life

I’ve never made it myself but have tried to recapture it’s moments through various frozen imposters and some rather good bakery attempts

Maybe if the bees are buzzing just right and the wind catches the allure of the honeysuckle

If uncle Elwin were there chewing on a toothpick while my boys were making that old porch swing creak

And if I could go back and was offered my choice of sweet endings to my dinner- perhaps I’d pick the blackberry cobbler over all the other cakes and pies - and when my grandmother asked about the lemon sauce I’d say oh yes please

After

After

Hello again blogging world- good to be with you for another az challenge -I must admit after participating last year I haven’t written much

My word today after- reflects my moods and thought patterns lately

My 95 years old father died March 1st - it was expected but the situation that brought him to that place was kind of sudden

After his funeral- I just knew there would be plenty of time for thoughtful reminiscing and insightful memories of his life and our relationship

But as all of us know- something else crept into our existence recently that has taken much of our time and energy— clouding up any ideas we may have had about anything else

Of course I think of and miss my father and I’m grateful that he passed away far enough from this global tragedy- to allow people to congregate and mourn his passing at least for some amount of time

In our minds we put endings on much of life- after this after some waiting occasion or ordeal— we will deal with certain things or allow ourselves to breathe a sigh of effort out

After all what is life but one moment after another - one second of complete joy two seconds of darkness— all in rotating splendor of the brevity of after

Ode to summer

As I sit here sipping my second cup of coffee with pumpkin spice creamer I feel a little sad

I started to blog yesterday about my memories of summertime - I had trouble logging in so I didn't blog

What a difference a day makes
Yesterday I was going to lament about my sweet thoughts of peach picking with my grandmother

Trips to a trailer park to retrieve a lady's things- as she was moving in with us for a time-- good and bad recollections of that but always a shining memory of my child person

Climbing into the tiny house trailer-- sitting on the small hard sofa-- thinking how great it was and wondering why anyone would choose to leave such an enchanting place

But today the pumpkin spice is reminding me of the brevity of each season
And scolding me how I have hated summer in the past and rushed it away before it's time

A little ache is in my throat as summer seems to be waving goodbye

The Zipline of life

I was thinking how life's journey could be compared to the thrill and terror of a trip down a zipline

Sometimes it's exciting-- you get to see things from a different perspective

The way life goes by in a blink-- how you have to hold on for dear life

How your feet aren't always gonna stay on the ground

Sometimes life takes our breath away-- we forget to breathe or we realize our breathing is shallow

We miss some pretty important views -- but up there we get so much more of the whole picture

And even though we might come through with various cuts and scraps-- we most likely unstrap ourselves to find the ride was definitely worth it

Yearning

Although the definition lends itself to something you long for -- when I hear the word I think of a painful almost regretful feeling

I guess it is a longing to change things in the past and intense desire for something in the present or future

To me it doesn't sound hopeful but woeful--- like a bitter memory or experience

For sure there is passion behind some yearnings but I tend to see and feel an emptiness - a forlorn look back

Yearning represents the aching to go back - to change that result or to reach out and grab that lost opportunity

I'm not sure why I envision the past with the word yearning - it just seems to scream loss to me

X-ray

What if an x-ray could see the soul- our intent our darkness

If it illuminated our purposes and our desires

Of course it would only be helpful if the physician could do something to heal our inner failures

Something they could give us  to cure all of our demons

Our bones and organs are fair game to all the scrutiny of the techninians and specialists

It's a silly thought perhaps but how helpful it might be if by shining a light on our soul deformities we could rearrange the core of our existence