Alone again

 Today I had to do something for the first time without Frank again

There have been many and will continue- this one I have been dreading 

Since my first daughter Ashley was born with special needs - we have seen the same pediatric neurologist 

Miller sees him too - 

On these visits for Miller- Frank would take the day off to assist— usually Miller would have several doctors appointments in the same day 

Most times- Frank and I would merely wait in a couple of comfy chairs just a floor away from his drs

Frank would walk down to the hospital Starbucks and get us coffee or sometimes I would get hot tea

Always we would venture in the gift shop- perhaps picking up a birthday gift for my aunt or unusual Christmas gift for someone and we would try to find a little toy for Miller 

The majority of the time was spent just chatting about our kids and grandkids- or Frank trying to read to me out of one of the half dozen of books he would bring along 

I don’t particularly care to be read to and he knew it but was ever ready to share the thoughtful things he had noticed and excitedly repeated 

As I planned out today in my heart and head- I knew it would be emotional and sad for me and Robyn 

I have never been to see this dr without Frank by my side- he had been without me at times

I occasionally spoke with this dr in a hospital setting when Frank was not there

So I did it- it was just as hard as I thought it would be but uneventful 

I didn’t cry until I came home

A memory

 The last couple of days I’ve noticed fall is practically here

It’s a bit cooler and the sun seems a bit different 

All of this had me remembering a day long ago

I have to share- there are actually not many days of my childhood that stand out to me or enter the deep recesses of my thoughts 

This day was one that I so often think of

Our church choir leader- I think her name was Betty Russ— she had invited all the choir members and their families to her river cottage for a picnic

It must have been around this time of year— the skies threatened rain and the breezes churned the waters extra rough— it was pretty cool— I think I had jeans on with a long sleeve shirt and a heavy sweater 

I can almost smell the salty air- as the river was part of the Chesapeake Bay 

I remember being outside quite a lot of the time but also how the kids congregated in a small bedroom- where we all took turns 2 or 3 at a time- jumping exuberantly in its tiny twin bed

I don’t recall what I ate that day but I believe everyone brought a covered dish- with our hostess making the main dishes

I can still feel that air- hitting my cheeks and tousling my hair over my face

We climbed the harsh rocks and stood atop - feeling the freedom of the windy paradise 

A day I see in my mind’s eye- full of possibilities and wonder- Making a lasting impression on my heart and senses 

A song in my heart

I sit and watch a memory- it’s just one day when
Nothing special or very urgent was happening
It softens my breathing and slows my mind

Were I to go back and enter that day- would I feel anything different- was it really what it seems- did it go unnoticed that day

If I look back too long- I can’t take it in- I won’t

If you were here today would we be singing in the rain- messing up the words- recalling our own secret thoughts the familiar notes brought to our hearts

All the world feels strange now- like an old video where the sound is behind- making you have to look closer than you normally would

It didn’t seem that difficult when you were sitting beside me-

How is it all that is gone

space

If you have followed my blog for some time you may recall my post about how I go through the mundane chores such as dishes and laundry—- pairing families of utensils and noting articles of clothing as to their owner

Lately I noticed my assembly of folded laundry had an extra spot for some of Miller’s undershirts— it used to be occupied by Frank’s tshirts- briefs and socks


On June 3rd frank died in the hospital on a ventilator of Covid 19

I realized I just buried the lead on this story

And the irony of my burying the earthly lead in my life does not escape me

I hope my words don’t appear flip or cold- but my senses have been shocked as my world

I still have a very difficult time even believing this has happened

So t thought that just perhaps sharing this with my blogging world might just jar my mind into this horrid reality I find myself in

I miss him so terribly and look for him everywhere- he’ll always be my great love and best friend

So much has changed and will continue to change my entire being

What I would give to not have that extra laundry folding area

Zest Zoom and Zip lock bags

Last year’s Z entry was an attempt to compare a Zip line to life!

This will be another try!!
Too bad the alphabet ends with probably the least used letter- other than poor X

I mean wouldn’t it be nice to go out with a Bang or a Mystery or even a Poem!
But alas I digress- so on with it I go!

You know I don’t think I’ve ever used the zest of a lemon - orange or lime— and why not- I mean it sounds pretty simple but elegant

Zestyness sounds  exciting- something only the adventurous achieve
Most of us preferring to stay with simple salt or pepper

They even have a soap with the name zest- and although it will dry you out- it smells heavenly

Much of life is seen from a distance- obscuring the true view

I don’t know much about photography but one thing I once read about it has stuck with me-there are no bad pictures just ones not taken close enough

Zooming in at just the right moment is the trick- staying focused on your subject- most importantly their essence or what you see as their essence

Not taking your eye off the hidden message the shot holds- just waiting to be captured and caught for all time

And zip lock bags- where shall I begin- life is so much better with a zip lock bag-
Completely serious- it makes life so much easier and tidy but not too tidy- you will have all those baggies sitting around or cluttering up your cabinets

But when you want a little something fresh and tasty- there it is just waiting for you to taste it’s freshness- making it easy to make the correct choice as you can see right through it- no surprises - you get exactly what you want

Now that zest might not be as good in those little see through bags- so make sure and package some things differently- the things that are unexpectedly delicate and close dated



Congratulations to all of you that participated in this year’s  az challenge

May your days be filled with ideas and your pages full
Great job!!

And may I say a special thanks to my loyal blogger friend Betty- your encouragement kept me going!

Yesterday

I’ve written a couple of poems about yesterday

But today I keep coming back to this for my Y blog
And why- I’m not sure

Yesterday is gone they say but in a very real way it’s not- wouldn’t it be nice if some yesterdays were gone for good- never to be thought of again - only if we could redo the thing that holds the horrible consequences of some yesterdays

Sometimes yesterday is a comfort in retrospect- knowing it’s behind us and done with

Some things if you didn’t get to yesterday you can easily finish today or even tomorrow
But you’ll never know if it might have been better done yesterday

Yesterday we might have felt like doing whatever but today that feeling is missing somewhere in yesterday

Don’t let your yesterdays control your todays though- even yesterday wouldn’t want that

So plan for your future yesterdays- knowing that a sorrowful look back at yesterday is inevitable but a grateful heartfelt glimpse is always welcomed

X-ray of the heart

Yes there are many ways doctors have to view the heart
To see if it’s healthy- whether it needs medical attention

Our real secret heart does not have the ability to be seen or examined

God only truly knows our heart’s intentions and desires
Thank goodness right!

Keeping one’s heart soft is important and necessary for wholeness
A hard heart repels the light that seeks to enter and warm

“The heart is a lonely hunter”
But lonely can embrace a fragile heart or cut off the flow of life

An X-ray of the heart would only expose us to more pain and condemnation- which there is no more in Christ

And if the wrong person were to read the results- it could easily be misconstrued or unnecessarily corrected

So the heart doesn’t need an X-ray- only our careful watch over it and a healthy opening of it