Yesterday

 Why do I feel compelled to continue my Y days- as a poem about yesterday-

I usually don’t mind- going in a different direction- or tossing caution to the winds of yesterday- but I fear I don’t have too much more intricate or alluring analogies -

If you care to go back to the other years Y days- I believe there are quite a few poems worth a read- 

If yesterday was here now- it would be a gift- or if yesterday was in the future- well that didn’t work-

I’m not even sure I can honestly say- the if I knew today thing-

I do think it would be a hoot to go back and know you made it- so no stress- but hey- wait a minute- if we went back- knowing how things turned out- we could mess it all up - as we would act and react differently-

So as you can see- I’ve conquered my habitual yesterday poem thing- oh yesterday-

Xactly

 Okay- don’t sue me-

I was thinking about this - i have my doubts- that when someone says exactly- that that’s exactly what they mean-

I tend to think it’s one of a couple of things- they want to shut you up and move on- so they try to assure you- that they get what you’re saying- yeah yeah yeah-

Or they honestly think you are totally off base - but don’t have the time nor inclination to get caught up in your neuroses

Now don’t be confused- you might be reading this and in your head or even out loud- you are empathetically  screaming xactly!-

And if you are still with me- remember- these letters pose a certain amount of irony- tongue in cheek and just plain determination to get through this challenge-

See- I heard it this time for real- xactly!-

Winter

 Actually winter seems shorter to me in the last few years-

I don’t enjoy the usual things that cold weather enthusiasts adore- but I get through it pretty decently-

I pretty much figure when March arrives- how bad can it be- possibly 8 more weeks at most- before all the lovely spring things 

I like to organize more in the winter- hey the Christmas stuff getting put away- what better time- at least in theory-

For me- winter rarely leads to writing- but like I’ve shared- I don’t do much of it any time these days-

Daydreaming is perfect for winter- and planning for summer times- it doesn’t really register with us- the life draining summer days- we think we will be invincible then-

Winter - looks good to me in say Alaska - I guess that’s the only way i experience it- virtually-

Which is strange- they say coldness conveys to us through tv but not hot weather-

So although each is not the winter of my discontent- it would be if I had to be out in it-

And of course I write this blog- somewhat long after the steely gray days of winter-

Voices

 Okay- I’m kinda stretching this one-

Miller is always telling me- you sound like whoever- I don’t know what makes him think that or just why- 

Maybe it’s the inflection or tone- it’s usually one of three people-

Isn’t it funny how most people say they hate the sound of their own voice- they sometimes insist- it’s a distortion and they refuse to admit they sound a certain way-

Someone recently told me that they were no longer singing in their choir- it made me sad- but they said- one has to know when it’s time to go-

I guess I knew what they meant but I found it sad-

Okay since this is a blog- I’m going to end this with a bit of lost continuity-

I kidd you not- Miller loves me to read my blog to him- this morning he was once again telling me how much he loves my blog-

He continues to exclaim how much he enjoys it- he says “I love the way you write- it’s kinda weird”-

I laughed- I repeat- weird?- and in the sweetest voice he softly asked-“do you think it’s kinda weird”

Usually

 I still usually have a frozen waffle for breakfast-

I’ve been thinking of the habits and little rituals we become accustomed to- and how Frank and I were so comfortable together- and passionate- haha don’t gag - my kids- which I still don’t think they read my blog- haha- except for Robyn- who reads it aloud to me- so I can decide if I like it-

Anyway- I still hold out some hope that I could marry again- but at this stage in the game- well let’s just say- I’m not at all sure- that anyone would have time enough- to get used to my usually-

But I am not picky- I feel I could look the other way on a lot of usually-

When Frank passed away- at least I was a few years younger- but I guess most likely of the people I would have a head start on being comfortable with- were either dead too - or taken-

Frank and I used to talk about who we might end up with- if the other died first- I don’t remember him ever saying who he picked out for me-

I believe I had picked out an old friend of mine- who had never married-

I guess we should have been more mindful and made one of those lists- alerting the new picked spouses- that they had indeed been chosen- so if they refused- we could keep on the lookout-

I’m usually more thorough-

Tomorrow never comes

 I settled on a musing today about tomorrow- hopefully not a sad one- but a mysterious one for sure 

We all get- “we make our plans and God laughs” 

I don’t really see God laughing but maybe feeling a little sorry for us- perhaps-

You gotta admit- we humans are made pretty wonderfully- still believing in a future- one that is not known to us here and not promised-

We hold onto hope and joy and accept the uncertainties of our mostly brief journey here- 

It’s rather admirable I think- and it makes me believe in a higher power all the more-

I’ve written before about the tomorrow being the ahead of us and so on- how tomorrow is past present and future- and admittedly- at times it’s simply terrifying- and yet there it sits - just waiting for us- waiting to be a fond memory- or just as easily an unfulfilled desire- or a demon we didn’t have to deal with-

In the end- all our tomorrows could be one long today-

Surprises

 I love surprises- but hopefully I have a gentle inkling- as to not have things too messy etc!

But generally I do enjoy a good old surprise!-

I used to always think Frank was going to throw me a party- or some grand gesture- that would blow me away!-

But honestly- Frank was not a big surpriser or gift giver for that matter-

I’m not too interested in surprises these days- unless it’s a delivery haha-

As I write this post- I’m realizing- I’ve shared about some of Frank’s surprises- good ones and bad ones- this didn’t start out to be about Frank haha-

I do recall almost always expecting something great to happen- especially since I was a full time wife and mother- the expectation involved- Frank getting a promotion- a raise- or just any tidbit of exciting news!-

Much of my enjoyment of surprises- comes from my childhood- most days when my dad returned from work- he was greeted by my brother hiding and jumping out at him- it could be from the top of the utility room freezer or under the bathroom cabinets- my dad came to expect the little shenanigans of his only boy and youngest child- he didn’t even flinch!

And my brother definitely inherited this from my mom- who was quite often hiding too -

Now my surprises mainly involve some happy event or the culmination of a dream that one of my children or grandchildren have realized-

So I’ll still get pleasure from a good surprise- just hint a little so I can straighten up!-

Rose colored glasses

 I’ve been trying out different sunglasses and some of them work better than others- I guess you could say that they put a pleasant tint to my vision- if not always rose colored-

I have had lots of eye issues- actually since Frank died- but this recent cranial palsy- was a new diagnosis for me-

At first it was diagnosed as a cranial palsy of a certain number nerve- but later the specialist gave me better news- it was not the nerve the other doctor thought-

It should go away I was told- and the time varied from several months to a couple of years-

The double vision and severe light sensitivity were pretty debilitating - much of the healing has taken place though-

I’m still in need of my rose colored glasses- but feeling a lot better- even the headaches have lessened quite a bit-

Before my ER visit- which the first dr sent me to- I was starting to prepare myself to becoming totally blind- which I was told- could be any time-

I thought about the world I wouldn’t be seeing perhaps- and honestly- I was devastated but at peace too-

Now as I mainly interact with people- I am wearing sunglasses- it softens everyone and everything I see- it reminds me to not only stop and smell the roses- but to take each opportunity to caress each face- in the soft rosy veil of thankfulness 

Quickly

 In light of my being a long term planner- it might be paradoxical that I am a person that wants things done yesterday-

I tend to say in my head- let’s be quick about whatever- let’s make a decision- no room for stragglers or wishywashy people around here-

Like I’ve shared- if on time I’m late-

Let’s organize this- let’s get things moving-

But actually on second thought the lists and planning could go hand in hand with quickly- like after one thing- it’s onto planning another-

I think my mother gave me this trait- certainly not my dad- he was still in the house while we were all in the car - waiting to go to church- mom was blowing the car horn!

Yet if anyone of us kids were nearing our curfew- he would be pacing the floor- biting his fingernails- until we were safely home

I am trying to be more aware of quickly- like what’s the rush- 

If it’s something bad- it will still be coming- and if it’s something not bad- then maybe we have something to still look forward to-

Part time window box

 Back when Frank and I were first married- our tv would only get PBS channel-we basically only watched cooking shows- upstairs downstairs and Monty python-

Hence this entry today- one of the jokes - someone asked what occupation they had - he replied- he was a part time window box- that cracked us up- and still does me-

And we laughed often at the running skit about the disagreement room- no this is the contradiction room- I’m sure I’m not recalling it correctly and you had to be there!

A much different scene today- with so many shows- network- streaming- mini series-

Sometimes Robyn and I forget what we had been watching-

I’ve shared before my guilty pleasure of reality tv- I still enjoy quite a few of them -

One type of show I don’t particularly care for are game shows- but I’ll watch the wheel and jeopardy- as Miller loves them-

Back to the only PBS days- because of those limited shows - we developed a real love of cooking shows that found us huddled together on Saturdays- watching them as we had our coffee-

I still like them- especially the pioneer woman and the kitchen-

Downton Abbey was another favorite of ours- reminding us of upstairs downstairs of course-

I also enjoyed the nature shows- I don’t think Frank did as much- I still can get caught up in them- definitely if it’s about birds or Alaska-

Not sure if I’d like to go back to that one channel choice- but oh how I would love to hear Frank’s laugh as he repeated- “part time window box”

Offenses

 The Lord’s Prayer tells us that we should forgive others- just as God has forgiven us-

And we need not be easily offended-

But still we make excuses- and grant you- I’m not sure it means you will be buddy buddy with everyone that has offended you but I guess it’s a matter of the heart-

As a believer- my guide is the Holy Bible- people like to say they don’t believe in religion but instead they just try and have a good heart-

To me the problem is - God’s word says - “the heart is deceitfully  wicked- who can know it”-

And no one is good-

Now some are easily offended and one may never even know they have been the cause of an imagined offense- you can’t blame yourself for those-

I remember a pastor I highly respected saying- when he was told something offensive or was criticized- he would respond- I’ll give that some thought- and he would pray about it- if he concluded there was no truth in the advice/critisim - he would shake it off and move on

That same preacher also said that when someone had offended you- and in God’s perfect will- he couldn’t let it go- he thought it was better to blow than bury it- I tend to agree with that-

I think it’s wise to be slow to take offense and quick to forgive and to ask forgiveness when we intentionally offend or realize we have -

News

 Don’t get excited- I’m having a little trouble settling on my letter today- so I’m just going to catch y’all up on a bit of my life-

First off - I’ve been trying to eat a lot healthier these days- salads are almost a daily thing

Other foods can be any vegetables- frozen canned or fresh-soups- fruits- peanut butter- and some dairy and a few special low carb choices-

It has me feeling a lot better-

I’m reading more- or should I say audio books- the book club has turned into a long time good friend of mine who lives in a different state- reading and catching up virtually- seems to be less complicated-

I’ve started going back to my church I was born into- I’m enjoying it - but it’s kinda hit and miss with Miller!

I had a list last summer of people/friends/family I wanted to connect with - I didn’t finish my list- there are at least three I still want to get together with and continue with ones I have seen recently-

But it has me kinda feeling like maybe my time could be up- once this list is completed- 

I haven’t been writing- it seems this April challenge is the only time I do anymore 

I think I am a pretty good listener but I have tried to be more conscious of sincerely hearing people-

Well maybe I should have continued to think about this letter- because I think I don’t have much going on

Oh on Tuesdays I almost always have a call from my sister Martha- it’s been nice- I feel closer to her - like we used to be-and both of my sons call me very regularly- which is so nice

Man there’s got to be something else going on-

If I think of anything I’ve forgotten- perhaps I can use another letter to bore you with it-

What’s going on with everyone else?-

Mean girls

 Okay first off - I may change this m post- but you wouldn’t know that- would you-

I like to write about my thoughts and real experiences or stories in my life- so don’t take too much time wondering why I’m still thinking about this- sometimes I rack my brain- and the strangest unimportant things come out!

Years ago there was this woman who came to our church- pretty regularly- for at least a year or two- she came in the Sunday school class I was in- and my husband Frank taught it-

I remember thinking she was a super Christian and I doubted very much- that I was anywhere near her level of devotion- I liked her-

Every time I would interact with her- she would apologize and ask me my name again- admittedly I don’t recall her name today- but back then- I always remembered hers’- 

After probably a dozen times of her asking my name again- I started to think she may not have liked me- or that I was very forgettable at best-

She never was at a loss for Frank’s name- and I started to take notice of how complimentary she was towards Frank-

At the time Frank was losing weight and as always he dressed up for church 

I on the other hand was quite overweight- although I dressed in church clothes also-

Well after much thought as to why she was ignoring me or pretending to forget my name- I decided to play her game- the next time - and the last- when she struggled to come up with my name- I told her Debbie-

She looked like she had been caught- she never asked my name again and never met my knowing gaze again-

Last time

 I picked last- I can’t talk about some last times- I’m not comfortable enough to delve into some last times- so although it’s still emotional and bittersweet- I decided I would feel okay with the idea of my childhood home last times-

As we sold our parents house a few years ago- I found myself going there several last times- to go through old stuff- marked with the occasional treasure- or a long forgotten piece of childhood that echoed with a mixture of dread regrets and sadness- and not without a sprinkling of fear-

Wondering how I got to these last times- did I ever foresee the future as I sat in the soft chair- looking at the Christmas tree- almost always after Christmas- and suddenly feeling the Christmas spirit-

Did my reflection in the picture windows ever stop to truly see myself- would it recognize the woman pondering these memories today-

Last time in my hallway- last time in my bedroom-in the pink bathroom- in the paneled den - last time- take it in- don’t resist the endless pangs of illusive moments-

So I touched the door- looking back as I closed it-like watching the last scene in a long running sitcom-

And I promised the child within me- that I would try hard to give reverence to all these last times

Kitchen talk

 Of course we all know- write what you know- that’s especially good advice for me -as I have more than once admitted to being a lazy writer at best- -so research would not be my choice-

Now again an admission of sorts- I’m not really that versed in the kitchen-

But kitchen seemed to be kinda a safe k word

I was doing cooking videos off and on over the last few years since Frank died

At first it made me feel a bit guilty- as I couldn’t boast of having a home cooked meal waiting for Frank each night

For a while I was really into them- and finding a new/old interest in food preparation-

I made crockpot recipes- stove top one pot meals and occasionally some harder tries- such as enchiladas- tomato pies- and stuffed shells- but nothing too intricate -

I also found myself immersed at times with crafts- which was so not like me-

I mean I used to do children’s church- I always loved thinking of a craft and purchasing the supplies- but almost never partook in the implementation-

I have discovered the beauty of soups- so versatile and economical-

I might go back to the videos this summer- we’ll see 

Hmmm maybe if I find myself blogging next April- I can work it out- to just show a-z cooking videos-

-

Jellybeans

 Okay I know my oldest grandson loves jellybeans- and popcorn and tea-

This year as always I try to find little treats and things for everyone’s  Easter basket- or containers- whether they be bags- beach bags or tote bags-

My girls and granddaughters mainly get objects- with some special candies thrown in- my boys and older grandsons mostly get edible stuff with the occasional funny socks included-

This year my oldest son and one of my grandson’s Easter bags got switched- I saw the look on my grandson’s face as he retrieved Twinkie popcorn out and my son eyed his son’s Reese’s pieces and combos!- I assured them they had gotten the incorrect bag- they laughed it off!

I told them just to take the bag that was meant for them- but they seemed to be enjoying exchanging items-

As my oldest grandson pulled out jelly beans teas popcorn- popcorn seasoning and more jelly beans- my grandson with his dad’s bag- started to wonder- does my nanny even know what I like or not!

Now remember they by this point were aware that the bags were mixed up- anyway- he continued to hold up stuff that was meant for his dad and say things- like “hot sauce- for real”- and the coffee for his dad- he was fine with that!

But I sensed- maybe he hadn’t seen all the things I had remembered he liked and didn’t like- 

I assured him again- you know I know you hate popcorn- you know I know you don’t care for hot stuff- but did you see the beef jerky- and not the spicy kind-

He smiled as he and my son traded the ritz socks for the doggie socks and my grandson’s gummy lifesavers for my son’s jellybeans-

Imitation

 Is supposedly the highest form of flattery 

I guess that could be in the eyes of the beholder kinda thing!

I’ll never forget my first drama teacher- she was superbly talented but very scary!

Once after a test - which was a scene we would act out- she preceded to show me how I appeared as I walked- it was helpful but horrifying- as of course the entire class erupted in laughter!!!

- Frank and I were very fond of imitating people we knew- and getting each other to guess who we were supposed to be!

Once at a friend’s Christmas party- we were asked to start that game- almost everyone there was familiar with our charades of sorts- and thought it was a hoot!

At one of Frank’s turns- he was hugely- really mocking this one friend that everyone knew- he wasn’t there that night- but I believe had he been- and had recognized himself- he would have laughed the loudest-

Everyone was guessing and no one was correct- Frank amped it up and I thought he was spot on! Still all were stumped- but they were laughing so hard and egging Frank on and on-

Then this friend of ours proclaims- I’ve got it- it’s Lynn- you’re doing Lynn!- to which everyone thoroughly agreed that it was indeed me-

I wasn’t sure how they had come to such a hideous conclusion- I did laugh though but probably not as enthusiastically-

Hole heartedly

 I had chosen another subject matter for H but was really not too comfortable with it- that might have been more interesting but something was saying no-

Of course you realize I am taking poetic license with my choice today-

Is it even possible to do something heartedly if there is a actual hole in your heart or a metaphorical one-

Maybe not- but do it anyway-

Those waiting for a helping hand probably have a need that fills them with a despair not only welcomes the attempt to help- even if one’s heart is not completely surrendered to another’s plight

Doing for others- tightens that hole and pulls the muscle slowly but surely back in its place-

Yes there may not come that peaceful ahhh moment- when one feels the joy of giving or the peace of making a difference-

Like a child dependent on it’s mother or other caretaker- for daily awareness of their struggles- there is no understanding of the hole in the tender giver and provider of affirmation- that everything is okay

Give until it hurts- like we hear- no pain no gain- the exercising of the wounded heart makes it beat in rhythm - defying logic and offering hope

Gossip or news?

 The Bible is pretty harsh about gossip- and actually I didn’t research its stance on it before writing today- but I’m sure it’s right up there- maybe even akin to witchcraft- or that is rebellion I think-please don’t quote me- 

But I think I should admit that I do enjoy it from time to time- but wait-

I have a good friend - when we skirt around what may be gossip- we now say- I’ve got some news of the day!

That way of looking at it comes from a long time ago- my daddy- who grew up in a rural part of Virginia- had no tv or phone- for quite some time! I remember him telling me how after supper he and his mama and dad and younger brother would drive a couple of miles down to his aunt Minnie and uncle Ed’s house - she was my grandmother’s older sister- aunt Minnie would always have cake ready and a big glass of cold milk for my daddy and his brother- my uncle Elwin-

There they would discuss each other’s and other others news of the day- my goodness it was never considered gossip-

So now my friend and I feel a bit vindicated when we pass on some interesting tidbit of the day- we kinda feel like we are preserving a gentler time- now if only we had aunt Minnie’s cake- we could be sure there was no gossip- as it surely helped the news of the day - go down just a little sweeter-

Frank

 Those of you that have been kind enough to get somewhat aquatinted with me through this blog- will know that Frank was my husband- he died from covid in June of 2020- 

I’d like to note some things about him in this post- but certainly will not do him justice-

Frank laughed easily- but not so easily about himself- he loved to make others laugh- even posing with the thanksgiving turkey as he cooked it- while shirtless- he was always available for a photo!

He cried easily too- much more than me- he was very tender hearted-

It always amazed me how he did the right things- easily too- when it came to others- and unlike me- who did for others too- he never seemed stressed by doing for people- like he didn’t give it a second thought—if there was a need he could help with- why wouldn’t he- that was his attitude-

He loved to sing- I would find myself snickering- hopefully to myself- as I stood beside his booming voice at church service-

Frank had his faults- but they lessened with the years- and he was always trying to improve himself-

Most of the time Frank was comfortable with who he was- and eager to get to know who you were-

He was passionate about a few things- his family- reading and studying the bible and other inspirational books-

He loved to teach and occasionally preaching— and could be very political at times-

All in all he was uncomplicated but deep- fierce and easy-

He was my very best friend-

Endings

 It scares the dickens out of me- endings-

The finality of life- so much change- too many seasons-

The echo of the past and the probability of future endings

I hope that circle thing I mused about is kinda right- 

Every day promises endings- some mourned- others embraced- 

Life sure is strange and mysterious-

Gentle and fierce- beautiful and foreboding-

Simple endings- when you go for that last bit of ice cream you just knew you had- but someone has put the empty carton back in the freezer -

Or like when you’ve had the last McDonald’s fry in the bag- but no worries- there is always one or two in the regular part of the bag- but alas there isn’t-

Like those endings we see coming-  there is no stopping them- no reprieve - 

I should have ended with the fry thing-

the devil’s in the details

I was talking to my sister Martha yesterday- we shared about our plans for Easter 

She like me is having her family for lunch and an egg hunt- she said she hadn’t planned it yet-

First let me assure you- she will have everything perfect-

She doesn’t make the lists I do or dwell on the details- for months at a time- 

True I get enjoyment out of planning and I guess to me - it’s kinda like the trip thing- you know- about the destination and the journey 

I told her-( like I’d have to)- how I had been doing nothing but planning- 

If you could see my note section on my phone- well let’s just say - you might be impressed or think I need to be committed- 

Shoot I even enjoy checking off my lists and rarely deleting them- so I can look back and see what I served etc

Maybe that old saying is true- maybe the devil is in the details- maybe he’s keeping me busy-

the carrot cake

 Frank’s favorite cake was carrot cake- 

We often purchased one that our local store carried in its’ bakery-

One weeknight I decided it would be nice to have Frank’s parents over for dinner- no reason-

But honestly I think it was just to have an excuse to serve this lovely cake- and knowing his parents really enjoyed carrot cake also!

Haha I don’t recall what I made for dinner- but can still remember the excitement I felt as I brought out the star dessert- and I hadn’t even made it!

Frank liberally cut the pieces and served them-

As we both bragged in our discovery of the delectable carrot cake- I look down and notice dark green circles on the bottom of the slices!

It had mold - they ate the top layer and assured me - one day I will laugh at this - and they were right

the Black shoes

 I have shared before- the most random- seemingly inconsequential times in my childhood- that stand out in my mind- I also wonder if anything else happened in those most memorable moments that bring them to my recollection so often

But this particular one  - seems to only hold joy

My great aunt Lily was up from the country- where she lived with my grandmother- my father’s mother-

She was staying a few days with us- I was so excited- 

For some reason- I was her favorite- me being one of four kids- two older sisters and a younger brother- I always thought about her deciding I was her favorite- did she think I was special- or entertaining-

But in my heart - I secretly thought I knew why-

Each time I saw her - as I was leaving- she would hand me a Hershey chocolate bar and sometimes a dollar bill- as she would whisper in my ear- “try to be good love”-

I don’t think she gave my siblings the same as me- and I often wondered why my parents let her so abashedly show such partiality-

Back to her visit- we had all gone to a movie and lunch- I have never recalled the movie or where we had lunch- but I can see the drugstore we stopped at after

And I can see my green smocked dress - my lace tipped anklet socks-

But most of all I remember those black patent leather shoes- the sound they made- as I danced around the floor- tapping like I was on a stage- my aunt Lily smiling with admiration at her favorite great niece-

Apathy

 Always reminds me of the old joke- what does apathy mean?- reply- I don’t know and I don’t care!

Or something like that

Sometimes I wish I could be apathetic- or maybe numb- 

Seems like a good thing in a way- it’s better than feeling stifled by connection to a person or situation- like a form of sudden grief- about anything or anyone- no real environment of close proximity or relation

Yes  apathy is bad - right- but also calm and peaceful- and an emotional protection against the pangs of life’s despair and ruin

So I seldom achieve apathy- and rarely admit to coveting it