looking out

the pull to write has come again--it actually hit me the other night--in the middle of the night---i did not answer---sometimes this familiar call is a comfort, sometimes a burden---

as i look off into the distance through my kitchen windowsill--now empty of the five little angels and five little nutcrackers----i admire my woodsy view---

so many hours my two oldest boys spent running amongst the many trees and exploring the wide creek at the foot of our property-----i recall a night i sat gazing at this fortress of childhood-- i wrote of their adventures--a night that threatened a storm--a night when they were with their daddy at a scouts meeting--right up the street-----i knew then, i thought, how fast those days would scatter----

i do not complain---just a vision in my vast memory of life------

as today brings this last year to an end---only because we say it ends---i stop and try to grasp it's importance

i can't----i won't-----i don't know it really--

i could go on and on about what is time---i could go much further into the true meaning of life and believe me i just might try, if i thought i had one clue about it

but alas for today, i only want to wish you many blessings and treasures, ahead of you----i wish you peace and grace and of course mercy---but be sure to issue mercy in greatness because it will return to you in like--

as my windowsill will probably adorn some new decor---perhaps something homemade---maybe something holding the promise of spring-----but i will dust it anyway---in anticipation of the view it will lead me through-

a Christmas message of love and gratitude

hi blogging family---i couldn't let Christmas come and go without letting each and everyone of you know, how special you are to me and how grateful i am to know you all----these past few months have meant so much to me

i have laughed and cried with you and felt more encouragement towards my writing than i ever have before---you all truly inspire me--

i wish for each of you, your hearts desires and many blessings--

may this friendship grow more and more in the coming year---thank you all for being who you are <3>

just when

they say that hearts can be broken------that maybe they can't be mended---only transplanted--only bypassed--

our souls long for connection but sometimes those connections leave us empty and confused--

how can a world where we are expected to exist and work and love and marry and give birth---be so laden with what seems to be booby traps---just waiting to get us---sometimes when we have forgotten to be afraid---sometimes when life seems mundane--but easy to manage

such is this place we call home--for now----i think of the ants---they go along building and planning and most times unaware of the giant looming over them---their lives ready to end----just when they've built that dream home--just when their family is complete--just when they've finally made it to retirement age--just when

just when we do not know--when our world will be forever altered--forever shattered----and we just know we will never recover--

when just as suddenly----a shadow appears beside us and we feel this warmth---a warmth we have maybe never experienced before and something inside us beckons us upwards and onwards---with a promise of a greater meaning--a greater hope--and once again our hearts are shocked back into the rhythm of this life

the Christmas play--a different one haha--and a repost from way back--sorry to repost but so busy :)

it's getting about that time of year , yes the wonderful magical children/anyone else we can grab to be in it play time of year--yes i've been writing and directing the church Christmas play on and off for over 24 years --the last 7 in a row--haven't decided as to whether i will do it this year--i know i say that every year--but by now each year i have it all written or at least the music picked out.

i like to write it , but i started writing it out of necessity--you see we have a small number of children at our rather small church--but it does seem they started coming in much greater numbers the last few years. there is much joy in doing the play--and a load of hard work . my husband who is my right hand man is the biggest help of all and one of my good friend's is always the stage manager--she provides a large number of the kids herself, and in the early years, it was just about only hers mine, and a very few others.

,

lots of funny things have happened through the years-- i remember a couple of years ago i was sitting on the front row -as i always do ---i try to tell these people that a true director only observes from an inconspicuous spot in the audience--but they won't hear of it----so anyway this one year during one of the scene changes ( my friend and i actually had other ladies dressing them back behind the baptismal ) i look on stage and there is one of our few boys missing! i'm trying to get my friend the stage manager's eye and finally she sees me and shrugs her shoulders--like ,i have no idea where he is--then out he comes, costume ashew and almost at the end of the act-i was just glad we hadn't lost him--shhww

then there was the year i had the bright idea of letting them carry Christmas candles at the end of the play - as they walked in singing the last highly emotional song --well everything was going fine, until one of our kids with special needs decided it was time to wave to everyone with her candle --her candle that had a glass bulb in it--not only did she --but then her sister who has special needs also ,decided she was gonna wave it if her sister got to--and you guessed it --i saw them as they were falling , i lurched up as did others to try in vain to stop it--there was no stopping it and no stopping the numbers of other kids that followed suit--it was crazy--glass all over the stage --and did i mention the kids were barefoot--but would you believe it no one got hurt--we just played the song alittle longer than planned and out they marched each one gingerly stepping over the many broken glorious Christmas candles.

the last two years i've been so blessed to have almost all my grandchildren take a part in the Christmas play-- the first year they participated, the oldest one was 9 --well once he got to the practice he decided he wasn't having any part of nanny's old Christmas play--he retreated to the back of the room along with his younger brother--i tried my best to bribe him with candy and other things but he was having none of it--his brother was at the age, he was gonna do or not do whatever his big brother was doing--okay ,okay that was fine --i look back during the rehearsal and the younger one was blubbering to beat the band--i stopped the practice -went over to him and asked what was wrong--" i wanta be a Shepard in the Christmas play but bubba doesn't want to "--well if  you want to you can i assured him--he did and the practice went on --we even decided that older brother could be my script helper.

my grand-daughters were angels--we were pretty sure my oldest grand-daughter would be fine when it was time for she and her cousin to come in together,but the younger one took off like a bat ---- and beat her to the stage --they were so cute--the youngest one keep her pacifier in her mouth the whole time--it was adorable.

there are all ages that can be in the Christmas play--we had a wise man in a wheel chair--we've had girls as shepherds --Josephs that are maybe a foot shorter than Mary --and babies that have to be held to take a part--anyone who wants to take part can--------i don't encourage this --but one year we had these couple of families that used to come to our church and some of them still came some times--one of the fathers in the families had become a pastor and so had his own church--they came that morning to see the play and stopped down the hall where they knew we met the morning of the play-to get everyone ready--the kids were so excited--i asked them would they like to have a "walk- on" as shepherds and angels --they were jumping up and down with delight--the poor new assistant pastor's wife was my costume manger that year-- i'll never forget her face as i asked her could she and her helpers get 6 more kids ready-- we only had about 15 minutes till show time.

but the very first Christmas play i ever wrote and directed--probably holds some of the fondest memories--it had just as many adults as kids --it was the first play the church had ,had in some time--i even held auditions -it was great--the night before the play we had our dress rehearsal--i was sick as a dog 103 fever aches ,chills-- i came to the rehearsal with a blanket wrapped around me--we had a party that night instead of a after party--i don't know how i was able to do it --i went home and my husband and i decided , i probably wouldn't make it the next day--all that work and time - i was so disappointed but so sick that i just knew i wasn't gonna be able to be there--my sister had the pivotal solo--well she called that night and said she had a really sick kid --she couldn't do it--just about all my family sings and entertains--so i got my husband to call my nephew and niece to see if they could fill in--i had a pretty good idea they would be busy--they sang lots at their church and others--they could do it!--the next morning my fever was gone and i was almost completely well- i made it .and my nephew and niece were thrilling - they brought the house down--at the end we had a gift bearers part of the service that went with the story of the play -- people came up bringing gifts with one hand and wiping their tears with the other--i'll never forget that play --i only wish someone had taped it --but you know maybe the memory of it is even better.

well i still don't know if i will do the Christmas play this year--but everyone should be apart of one at least once in their life.

the Christmas play :(

the last few days i have been sharing Christmas memories as my statuses on facebook----
today i have one that i just can't seem to let go of---or should i say the thought that i am to write about it--
i felt it would be better to share it in this forum----

tonight is one of my granddaughter's preschool Christmas programs----which may have pricked this unpleasant memory---

way back---and the funny thing is i can't remember if it was first grade or second-----there was a school Christmas play-----everyone in my class was in it or at least in the chorus---everyone but me--

of course i have recalled this many times during my life---but yesterday as it flashed back into my consciouness---it puzzled me--maybe more than it ever has-----

i can see myself now---sitting with my mother---as the parents were invited to see this wondrous production---but her child was not in it---i was only beside her clapping at the appropriate times and dying a little each time my class did any of their parts---

frank says i need therapy----but i am not too scarred from it---i don't think----just still wondering at why--

the only thing i remember for sure, is the teacher telling my mom that my voice did not blend in---

now let me defend myself----haha i am defending myself how many years later----therapy--maybe--

i ususally don't out and out brag on myself---but when push come to you know what, i will---and as i get older, i find it easier to admit when i am good at something-

i did have a solo voice for sure----my oldest sister was always in plays and beauty pageants---i was forever singing all the songs she would perform------it was almost weekly during the show and tell time in class, to find me sharing my talent---often times other teachers and it wouldn't have been unusual for the school principal to come in to hear me-

now as i continue to defend myself---i have to assure you, i had a very nice voice-----i was told i had perfect pitch----and so on----i am sounding like an idiot aren't i---

well there you have it---Christmas time can bring out all kinds of lovely and horrid memories---

i suppose, the main thing that i ask myself, is how did my mother allow this to happen---i am certainly not angry with my poor mom----but just still bewildered----i mean--my mom was not a confrontational type--but if you slighted one of her children----well let's just say---you thought long and hard about ever doing it again-----

so i gotta remember it this way----my own therapy-----i must have been too embarressed to tell my mom---she must not have known i wasn't in the play until she got there----she "inquired" as to the stupid reason and was told the voice thing---

oh well---i went on to star in many productions through the years and later wrote and directed many children in many plays------and i always adopted this policy------any kid who came along--even on the day of the play---was given a part---even if it was only a walk on------it just makes sense------what could it hurt---

the dolls----re-post from 2009

for as long as i can remember i have had a love hate relationship with dolls. my mother has a picture of me visiting the legendary santa at the miller & rhoads department store. i'm holding a baby doll that was bigger than me. it was under the Christmas tree where santa was, i had taken it and was toddling away with it as fast as my chubby little legs could travel! my mother said i threw the biggest fit when they had to take it away-- and so it began.

i'm pretty sure i know where my fear of dolls came from-- see if you don't think this would be kinda scary----my two sisters and i had met in the bathroom early one Christmas morning--probably about 3a.m. --we decided to see if santa had indeed been for a visit--we inched down our long dark hallway to our living-room- where santa always left our haul under our huge live tree---as i peeked around my two big sisters there was my doll- the one i had asked for--i had wanted a life size walking doll--but she wasn't walking-- how could she--
for there she was sitting on our fancy sofa still in her plastic bag -- i turned and ran back to my bed terrified out of my mind! how would i be able to look at that doll in the morning
but when i got up hours later, there she was out of her horrible bag ,pretty as can be-- i got to carry her to my grandmother's that day-- her name was joyce--she later would lose her leg and go to live in attic town

still today i can't go into a doll shop without someone to go before me--i'm telling ya though i think i'm normal--dolls can be very scary, i don't care what anybody says

fortunately none of this has stopped me from buying my daughters and grand-daughters lots of beautiful dolls -- and so today when i saw at wally world two big baby dolls on sale i didn't hesitate to get them for two of my grand-daughters birthdays--i have already got four dolls for four grand-daughters for Christmas--just don't ask me to buy them from an antique store --yikes!!