at a loss for words

today is robyn's first follow up visit with her doctor---she also had an er visit over the weekend for severe spasms--which turned out to be a uti

we are all healing and beginning to see the light and thoughts of the future-----

I lost my last child---"t" in 2005---not so long ago---but long enough ago to have forgotten not the harsh things that were done and said and judged but the sting---especially when they are done by close friends and family----

and I don't even mean the----you are young you can have others----or God has a plan---or even the trite life goes on----I know when people are at a loss for words and so hardly anything someone says in a genuine way stings----I understand not having the right words--and there aren't any---

why can't people just try and put themselves in one another's shoes----I suppose it is too scary to think of and I get that too--

I am not writing to bash anyone or whine a little too long---but can't we be treated as hurting people---attempting to cope with a blow out of nowhere------

without elaborating--I will share with you that this baby had nothing like my  kids---as a matter of fact there was no known risk---according to the genetic experts---no just a nasty twist of fate---or God's will as some are quick to tell us--

don't worry---I will likely post again about all my stupid recipes----they are much easier to digest than human suffering or questioning-----

cause if the tragedy don't kill ya---well meaning critics will

for James

a little over a week ago I was planning to blog after not doing so for several weeks---

I was thinking how I would do something I don't usually do---make a list of new year's resolutions---

then a week ago yesterday robyn delivered her first born son-----he had died in utero---at 29 weeks---

as many of you know-I am not a stranger to death or despair----and you may recall I am a Christian--

this has thrown me into a dark dark place----that I can't even imagine emerging from---but I try because of robyn and my other children----


softly you came and went--taking the vital part of our being-----the promise of joy never wanting to feel----only echoed life's laughing emptiness--
all the plans  and images of a time in the distant future---stolen and trashed like a punished crime---no one had reported

I stood at the side and witnessed-although I couldn't tell you what I saw---or could speak any truth---for it is unwanted---unacceptable to let one's self drown for too long----the crowds on the shore would not stand for that---they would surely need the lifeline for the next big thing-----


so let me take it in---your face--your pitiful perfect body----know I would take your place---know I will never forget you