for James

a little over a week ago I was planning to blog after not doing so for several weeks---

I was thinking how I would do something I don't usually do---make a list of new year's resolutions---

then a week ago yesterday robyn delivered her first born son-----he had died in utero---at 29 weeks---

as many of you know-I am not a stranger to death or despair----and you may recall I am a Christian--

this has thrown me into a dark dark place----that I can't even imagine emerging from---but I try because of robyn and my other children----


softly you came and went--taking the vital part of our being-----the promise of joy never wanting to feel----only echoed life's laughing emptiness--
all the plans  and images of a time in the distant future---stolen and trashed like a punished crime---no one had reported

I stood at the side and witnessed-although I couldn't tell you what I saw---or could speak any truth---for it is unwanted---unacceptable to let one's self drown for too long----the crowds on the shore would not stand for that---they would surely need the lifeline for the next big thing-----


so let me take it in---your face--your pitiful perfect body----know I would take your place---know I will never forget you