Zero

 Does zero mean nothing- I guess it does unless accompanied by a friendly numeral

Have you ever felt like a big zero- but think about it- a zero is beautiful- it’s round and completely connected to itself 

There’s lots of space inside a zero and zero even ends with the unbroken circle 

Zero would make a cute pet name

And remember the zero candy bar- sorry bad example 

You have zero chance of this happening 

You have zero in your account 

But you could easily turn that zero around 

You have zero cavities 

You have zero debt

It’s all in our outlook and perspective  

We are obviously taught to allot different meaning to words-but it’s not always one way to look at it

I had zero idea where I was going with this last illustrious letter Z

But as one looks back over the less challenging letters

We can always depend on good old Z to end with a zippididodi of a punch 

And so this brings the AZ challenge of 2023 to a conclusion- thanks for reading and encouragement I’ve experienced along the the way- congratulations to everyone for finishing or even trying! Happy writing 

Yesterday

 I’d have to go back but I seem to remember using Y for yesterday at least several times and in poetry form- so I shall try again

I took yesterday for granted- it never asked for an apology 

It only listened as I lamented- never showing the least inclination to say I told you so

In fact it held me like a wounded child and urged me to search ahead

Assuring me they would only be a thought away- really not even a breath 

Yesterday holds so much inside- not wanting me to dwell in the hurts and regrets or even the unspeakable joys

It only embraces my yearning glance back as it brushes away my tears

Extreme

 Okay please forgive my cheating way of mr X

It’s been my extreme pleasure to take part in the blogosphere az challenge once  again 

Each year old letter X is extremely challenging 

But it’s okay- when it gets to this point- it’s extremely hard not to be a little extra 

It’s kinda like expecting to think of something grand and different but  usually X doesn’t hit the spot

Poor x- it’s even abused more than it’s best friend Z

But that’s another sad story for another extremely zany day

Wisdom

 A few years ago I decided to write down for my children- life information- what had spoken to me - golden nuggets of truth and shadows of perhaps a few clues of what I had discovered in life

I knew I had a lot to say- I thought it would effortlessly flow- and my hand would get tired of the lengthy in-depth advice and guidance I was to bestow 

As I began the process- I noticed my hand wasn’t really moving- I literally had but a sentence or two on the page- the page I had envisioned to be wet with my tears of love for my children 

By now you realize I wasn’t able to articulate what I had in my heart and spirit- only something like stay close- forgive easily and go for your dreams 

I don’t think I even bothered to keep the futile entry of my imagined wisdom-

Value

 The value of things changes in our lives- what really is important to us shifts and other things move into more value and so on

What one day holds our hearts may differ as our individual lives grow and often times when it doesn’t appear our lives are in a good place 

Some things retain their value although to us they don’t offer the level of need or want they once did

Do we attempt to share things we value- such as our money and sometimes more valuable- our time

If we find it hard to value certain friendships- we can find they no longer exist

If we don’t value the lessons we learn along the way- we can all too often fall back in our journey 

So maybe if we try and identify what we truly value it will become clearest to our spirit just what and who we actually value 

*I don’t know how I got one step out of order so I am posting twice today

Understood

 One of the primal needs of humans- to be known heard understood 

We crave it we work for it we beg for it

We need it desperately almost spend our lives hoping for it

Some of us are blessed to find that understanding in many or perhaps just one

When we can’t find it we sometimes become self destructive 

Lashing out and even withdrawing- which ironically lessens our chances of being known 

We don’t exactly have that same fire to know others- finding our own efforts for validation too heavy to etch out the amount of time it would take to sincerely understand another 

The train

 As a child and quite frankly even now I pretend that I am rolling down the train tracks while safely tucked into my cabin bed on the train- 

As I had children I would sooth them to sleep with stories in my head and one of their favorites were the train sleeping stories 

There we were doing something that might as easily bring fear but in our small sleeping quarters we were utterly safe and protected 

The story didn’t include any sight seeing out the windows during the day’s travels nor any tales of imagined meals we would partake of at dinner 

Only white linens and pillows and blankets- and the sweet hum of wheels 

Ebbing us into the most peaceful of sleeps

Smells

 Or aromas fragrances even odors

Each can take us to a memory or place- I think I have mentioned before that the movie the exorcist is brought to mind whenever I smell the original perfume Charlie 

Delivered flowers always take me back to my hospital volunteer job as a candy striper when I was 12 or 13

I wonder if particles stay in our body or brain- not just a memory but as a physical presence 

And how maddening is it when we smell something that stops us in our tracks but we can’t place it- 

It was so odd when I had Covid- I could taste all my food but realized when I went to sniff at my body wash- I had no sense of smell for it

Smell is something we don’t usually think about until it disappears for a time

Right now I’m not urged by a fragrance but mentally I’m remembering my mother’s clothes detergent 

Our sense of smell is just as much a memory as it is an actual thing 

Rain

A little  Rain comes in our lives now and then - some live in perpetual state of rain

Unable to dry from one shower to another 

Rain cleans the earth but can dampen the soul if it lasts too long 

Rainy days and mondays do always get me down

As I age I love the day and the sun much more- only tolerating the rain if I’m snug and safe inside 

Rain used to comfort me - I enjoyed a rainy day - I even loved a ride at night - noticing the gleam it gave to streets and pavement- almost like a painting 

But now for the most part I run away from its scolding wetness and piercing gloom 

Rain so necessary so useful -  yet met with such disdain

  

Quiet

 Quiet you’ll wake the baby 

Quiet your dad is sleeping 

Quiet you’ll wake the neighbors 

Quiet I’m watching tv

We are asked to be quiet much of our lives- 

Sometimes we need the solitude 

Quiet is not a bad thing or an unexpected thing

We quiet our minds and hearts

We listen more keenly in the quiet

Quiet someone’s coming-

No it was no one

Quiet quiet quiet 

Progress

 I was talking with my aunt the other day and we were discussing how sometimes it’s a good plan to take each day and do one thing

I have thought about that conversation a lot since we talked 

I find it kind of charming and obtainable- like it was appealing to me

Of course there are times when this is not too practical but I loved the possibility of it

I am a planner and I most times have quite a few things on my lists and in my mind

But it made me think of a time when I tried to do something special every week or so with one child- just them and me or Frank too and I couldn’t help but lament how I wished I had of done more of that

Once upon a time

 Once upon a time my eyes smiled with promise 

I wasn’t sure where it would lead me but I never doubted it would all be alright 

Once upon a time life was easily handled and sleep would provide the next day to feel the same

I was sure nothing could or would change my world how could it

Once upon a time the mysteries of life were far in the distance and I only dare to peer too far

Nothing was impossible or too urgent 

Once upon a time was only yesterday and tomorrow and everything was in its place - now once upon a time is a distant pleasant memory 

No

 The older I get the easier it is for me to say no- but mind you I don’t get asked that many things to be able to say no to

Now back in my forties I thought I had come to an ilimination of sorts! I was hearing I could say no that I needed to say no

As a matter of fact it seemed like you weren’t important or enlightened if you weren’t shouting NO

It was the times - it was the thing to do or rather no not do

It was complicated and intriguing- I mean this meant that whenever I didn’t want to be bothered I could just boldly proclaim no- sorry- but yes we women did have to slip in there a qualification that although we were saying no we were sorry 

So these days although I’m not particularly asked the questions- in my head I am declaring NO

Munchies

 Thought we could have some fun!

What do y’all like to munch on!!!

I’m all over the place lately- I’m really into grapes- all kinds- I mean they are like candy aren’t they 

Miller my grandson has to bring snacks to school every day- some of his favorites are veggie straws- goldfish- animal crackers and pringles in the little individual packs

Oh and Cheetos- how did I forget them

Back to the fruit- I really enjoy the low sugar small size fruits especially the mandarin oranges

I think probably my all time best is still popcorn- I seldom get to snack on that because Miller is not allowed to have it- boy does he think that’s likely the best stuff ever and it is

I’ve even been known to cut up raw vegetables and dip them in sour cream 

Oh also cheese cubes - love the pepper Jack ones

And this one tends to be controversial but I adore cottage cheese- it’s really tasty with seasoning salt 

I’ve recently gotten into the carb smart ice cream bars- vanilla ice cream covered in chocolate- I didn’t remember how scrumptious they are

What are you munching on these days?

Lasagna Rolls

 I was so excited to find in my grocery store the other day- a medium family size frozen lasagna rolls- these had a white sauce and spinach and cheese of course like lasagna 

But the beauty of it was so simple- looks easy if I want to make them- it’s just cook your noodles- and spread whatever fillings you like and roll them up and there you go!

The only draw back is you can’t use the no cook noodles because obviously you can’t roll them up if they are hard

My sister is always making her special lasagna she breezes through it but I find regular lasagna intimidating

And can you imagine the choices - chicken- vegetables- Mexican- and regular- genius 

Hey- I might as well start my apology tour and I suspect it will continue tomorrow 

You see when I knew I was going to do the az thingy- I sat and wrote ahead up to hmmm I’d have to look back but I know at least to T!

I actually felt somewhat inspired and felt on a roll of sorts - but not a lasagna roll- please forgive me I implore of you- just get through tomorrow-( if I don’t rewrite it) and as I remember it will get better 

This seemed much more important when I wrote about it- but they were tasty 

Kindnesses

 Kindness can’t be measured or dissected 

It’s worth is different to each one on the receiving of that kindness 

It’s given freely hopefully- it’s select and calculated often 

But either way kindness comes we must embrace it - take it at face value 

And the kindnesses tend to come at the strangest time in the most wistful ways

Kindness is nearly perfect in it’s purest form

Kindness should not take much insight but blindly given with earnest intent

Baby Jane

 Y’all anywhere around my age or 10 years either way probably have seen or at least heard of the movie “whatever happened to baby Jane- I thought I remembered it well

As a child- somehow I think I saw it - I may have been older than I think I was

But anyway- I thought it was terrifying- so just a few years ago I decided I didn’t quite recall much of the storyline 

As I watched it- I so wanted it to hold up- to scare the dickens out of me- but instead I found myself laughing!

But it was still suspenseful and I had forgotten the creepiest part where baby Jane- dressed as a child but definitely an older lady- sings -“ I’ve written a letter to daddy”

It’s worth watching I think- and actually I’m wondering if I might watch it again soon

Bette Davis was excellent in her part as Baby Jane

Isolation

The Covid catastrophe left many in isolation- unable to come and go as they please- even at times being able to be stopped and asked where you were going and why

My husband even having to display a letter in his car dashboard that explained why he was out- yes when it was convenient he was “essential”

So although I get it that people want to make the best of hard times- I find it personally offensive to hear or read about still the great times their family had during that forced slow down family time together 

We all speak from our unique perspective and experiences 

But for many isolation was not about the wonderful close times they had with their loved ones- no there was anguish in that isolation- suicide- job loss- hunger- no health care- no important life moments 

Isolation is in the eye of the beholder- drastically opposite from one individual to another 

So while I’m glad you didn’t lose a loved one to Covid- please don’t tell me you enjoyed your family’s isolation 

Helpful

 Lately I’ve been more conscious of my tongue- not that I’m too outspoken but just reacessing before I speak- is it kind is it necessary is it helpful 

Because really most people are not sitting there with baited breath waiting for your pearls of wisdom- and in case you don’t know it the average person you are talking to really just needs a good listener 

There are numerous ways to look at the word helpful- you may think you are being just that when it might be you are only projecting as they say- your take on any given experience you had concerning a similar situation-

But is it similar enough- I have realized that in many instances unless the trial or problem is extremely alike- we can’t completely be helpful 

It’s not that we shouldn’t try and give practical advice or encouraging tidbits

But sometimes we need to fight the urge to fix said dilemma and just say is there anything I can do to be helpful 

Golden girls

 Now truthfully I was never a big fan of the tv show- the golden girls-

And I don’t like being reminded that those old ladies were younger than I am now!

I don’t know which one I would be- probably a mixture of Rose and Blanche

But I could never wear all those dresses- so I would dress more like Dorothy 

I would also need a larger table in the kitchen if we were all gonna be sitting around it all the time

They actually did look pretty good then and truth be told they all looked better than most women my age when they died 

I remember that Dorothy’s mother was not far from her age- I’m hoping I don’t look that old

I saw the funniest clip from their show the other day- I’ve tried to find it again but haven’t been able to- so I’ll try to sum it up

This time it’s just Dorothy and Rose sitting at the kitchen table

Dorothy is relating to Rose how she was hanging out with some younger woman at work that day and how she felt a part of them not old- then she tells Rose- then I get to my car and there’s this old lady in my car mirror and I’m wondering who she is- there’s a long pause and Rose looks puzzled and asked- well who was it Dorothy 

Feelings

 Feeling may come and just as suddenly they go- but where do they go-

I’m sure not every feeling is hidden somewhere but there has to be something about deep ones or even impressions things make on us- I believe they hang around- maybe because we decided To come back and deal with them another time

And I wonder if impressions are meant to only be that at the time- to bring it to thought in the future - like a forewarning 

Feelings are so elusive but not to be ignored 

They wash over us as a covering of sorts and welcome us and as easily they can betray us

But we could never truly stop our feelings but we absolutely should inspect them

Endless

 So many things seem endless but truly very few things are actually endless

Time is definitely not- 

I find myself dreading so many everyday mundane chores and even bodily care I do

I don’t think I will share the things I do in my head to pass the minicole time things take

I try and remind myself- this or that won’t always be this or that way

I still wonder at the seemingly way Frank approached life- like he had all the time in the world- and how each challenge or boring thing he had to accomplish didn’t seem to phase him

Now mind you his happy go lucky attitude did not spill over to house maintenance or car repairs but he definitely wasn’t thinking things in a conscious way in his head as he struggled to get through the day- I least I’m pretty sure he wasn’t 

So as I started with endless- it seems to me that most of the time we think of endless as a negative thing when really it could be more of a positive way to think of life

Dreams

 Do you ever have dreams where say for instance- a bunch of mess is all on your rug or floor but in your lucid dream you realize- hey this isn’t real - I don’t have to clean that up!

Well I’ve started to test that out in actual reality- when things get overwhelming or just hard- I try and exact that feeling in those dreams- it’s not that you don’t have to deal with things but it’s like a pause- sorta saying- hey I don’t have to solve this now or sometimes even recognize the problem for a time- not sure I’m explaining this too well

Dreams are so emotional- for me- even tragedies seem worse in dreams- I guess partly because in life we have so many other things to deal with and distractions- but in our dreams it’s all encompassing- like the whole world ceases to exist- only what you are going through 

So when I dream those dreams where I suddenly realize in the dream that I don’t have to clean any messes up or take care of some obstacle - it’s refreshing and encouraging 

As I tried to articulate earlier about practicing this feeling in reality- I do believe I’m on to something- 

Cup of soup

 I had Covid in late January- during that time and really weeks maybe a couple of years - my appetite has been weird- Robyn says I eat like a 5 year old!

It’s true - for a while I basically wanted waffles or peanut butter sandwiches or grilled cheese 

And soups- lots of brothy soups- no cream ones

But there is one soup I desired but kept away from- mainly because of the carbs- I’m not too concerned about the massive amounts of sodium 

Well during my worst days of Covid I started allowing myself a cup of those oodles of noodles kind of soups - already in a styrofoam cup just waiting for the microwave- which was perfect since our oven and stove top were not working!

Each day I looked forward to my kinda guilty pleasure- it was so delectable and soothing- I was always sorry when the contents of that sweet cup were empty 

But alas my love affair with cup o soup has come to an amicable end-it’s like sometimes you can’t get enough of something and then it just kinda turns your stomach-all I know is  the thrill is gone- who knows it might come back- but for now it’s just a memory of a comfort  for a time-

The Bookclub

 Okay this might prove too hard for this lazy writer to do it justice 

First I need to tell you that I have asked 2 of the original ladies’s permission to share this with y’all - I must admit I did not mention it to our virtual member in another state- honestly I haven’t told her about some of our more colorful moments- I didn’t want to scare her away- but knowing her she would probably think it’s all a hoot!

Well I hope from my title- you have made the correct assumption that I’m referring to a bookclub

Now this is where the hard part comes in- I know there’s a good story in here but I might stop short in the middle of it- as that is when I get kinda worn out- in the details

I was sharing my blog idea with one of my sons the other day- oh and before I forget- he said- “what blog- I’ve never heard you say you wrote a blog”

Anyway I tell him about the bookclub idea for letter B - after I finish a rough draft of what would likely be in this post- he says “ okay let me get this straight- you basically said that you have a bookclub but one of your friends goes back and forth as to whether she is a member”

Did sound a little empty 

When this all started- the friend who has yet to read the 3 books that we have selected- - had to have us read  her choice first- I was sorta reluctant because I thought it would be too sad- but I ended up enjoying it on audio- it was called American Dirt

There were a few misunderstandings along the bookclub journey- one of which involved one of the other members asking me to join her at a temporary library bookclub- it was about mysteries as I recall

Well we didn’t exactly invite the non reader at that time to participate because she wasn’t participating in our 3 people at that time bookclub- and she is not an early riser- this meeting was in the middle of the day

We only went to one meeting- but it was so strange- I hardly ever go anywhere anymore- especially at that time around a group of people- but that day during the meeting- I got a text from my daughter and then proceeded to announce to the group that the queen had died

Well we read (2 of us anyway) another book and then we just sorta fizzled out for a bit

Recently the friend who had actually started the bookclub - asked if I would like to read a certain book- we mentioned it to our other friend- she was a little hesitant but said she would come to the meeting but didn’t want to read the book 

Hmmm I just read what I have written so far- I’m pretty sure my son was correct- this is like much to do about nothing! But I’m not quitting 

When I asked the friend who I had had a few issues with along the way- if it was alright that I planned to write about the bookclub- she says- “why are you asking me- I’m not in the bookclub”

What- okay I tell her- no problem I can surely think of another B word

Ageless

I almost sullenly start to write- like it’s some monumentous event -that will make me famous long after I’m gone- remember how I’ve shared my weird confidence about some things 

So here I go- it kinda resonates with me- ageless- but we’re not unfortunately- there is a time for each of us to say goodbye to this earthly life- 

I steal this next revelation from a woman minister I briefly heard the other day- I would give her credit but I don’t know who she is

She talked about the idea of how a 20 year old woman may be in her golden years if she only has a short time left - where as a fifty year old woman is in middle age if she’s living until let’s say 90

It gave me pause- reminding me of how our thoughts can control our lives as far as what we feel like but may have very little to do with the reality of what our life may turn out to be or how long it will last

I must admit that since my husband Frank passed away from Covid- I have felt I must not have but a couple of decades or less to hang around and ponder this pretentious stuff-

So as I contemplate how long I’ll smell the Christmas trees- how long I’ll hear John Denver and feel the yearning of my youth

I deep deep down know it’s pointless and exquisitely self indulgent- I’m still doing it-

Telling myself that April is the one time of year that this itching to be known- bubbles over into words