i think i am getting it-----buying jeans needs a "dress rehearsal"

i just returned home from the second trip in less than 3 days, for my daughter robyn to look for jeans--first let me assure you she is aware and supportive of my sharing this traumatizing story with all of you----i think she would not have been all for it before today--let's say not on "dress rehearsal day"-

that day "drd" she did not even want to talk about jeans and stubbornly declared that the only pants she would now adorn would be either her dress black pants or her exercise pants----i told her that was fine by me!!

as she tried on several pairs of jeans--all of which-as she calls it--"are made for amazons"---she sulked at every pair, every size and whined that she was a cow and a vertically challenged individual at best-----later she confided that she sat in the dressing room crying-----

one of the things that probably made this horrible trip more unbearable was the fact that her dad was with us---as he cannot get it, that he is not to comment at all----and then when he does and she goes crazy---well let's just say, it ain't pretty---


i must include this information--she is a beautiful girl---not a stick--but was trying on 0's and 1's------i try to tell her just wait---but somehow that is not encouraging-----i tell her hey i once had the same problem many pounds ago and what i would give to have the only size dilemma be the length-----that doesn't penetrate her lonely deep despair either----so we leave--no jeans---no hope that she will ever again be able to wear, what has become the staple of our society, especially in her circles---what has life to hold for her--


like i told you, she is in full agreement with the sharing of this tragic tale--in order as she put it--maybe she could share this with her daughter one day--maybe it could help her through these awful body image self-loathing never pretty enough days--days i tell her will go by so fast---that too does not help one little tiny bit-


so today when i tell her i have to go to the store, she says "hey want to go look at jeans"-----and i answer, of course, there is nothing i would enjoy more-----


and just like in the theatre, if your dress rehearsal is bad, you can be certain you will have a wonderful opening night----2 pair of jeans on sale--Christmas money covered them-so the size and the prices were right----mission accomplished----


i didn't go by the store on the way home----just like a performance i was exhausted--but unlike an opening night, there will be no other shows at least for a month or so-


oh and something for all of you out there looking to supplement your income--i was telling frank the other day---someone could make good money--taking teenage girls to buy jeans----he thought it was a great idea---all applicants please apply in person and must also be available for the dress rehearsal

only trust Him

a couple of years ago we were told my cousin was in her last days, she has a degenerating disease-she is still with us and suffering-

since learning of this death sentence she has lost one of her five younger brothers and yesterday her dad--

also a couple of years ago i was told my mom's brother-a different uncle was on hospice and didn't have long at all---i don't see him often as he lives out of state, so i wrote him a note--basically telling him good-bye---happily he is still with us and doing much much better---

last night i awoke with the feeling i was to write something about all of this--

i have no answers--people we think will live die--people we think will die do die and sometimes they out-live us---

my son just lost one of his childhood friends from cancer-everyone knew it was coming and this past fall we all expected the sad news any day---in that time, my son lost another one of his childhood friends very suddenly--

i think it is mostly good that we don't know what is going to happen---

at least what we perceive as the "bad" parts of life-

what if we find out they were some of the beautiful parts--after all, as a Christian we are taught that things are paradoxical and if you lose yourself you will find yourself--that the last shall be first and the first last---that Christ came to serve and not be served----all pretty foreign from our make it make sense world--and if you do thus and so you will get said out-come--


i wouldn't want to live without my faith in a God that has a plan- a plan that he sometimes gives us glimpses of but for the most part we simply trust-



so while my poor cousin hangs on to a painful life and my aunt grieves for her husband of fifty plus years and eight children - i know that there is order that there is meaning and comfort and peace and new days for some and life's end for others---we just don't know when--thank God

about kit.........................

for those of you who may have been reading my last attempt at a novelette, "autumn of the heart"--i'm sorry i left ya hanging---

"autumn of the heart" was one of my writings where i sit and just start to write with no idea of what i will write or where it may lead--of course after the first entry-i still didn't know where i was going with the story but it is not as cold writing as the first day--

although i write this way on my blog most of the time (as you can probably tell haha)--i haven't done that as a continued story on my blog--"queenie's bequest" was started in 2000 and completed a few years later--


i share all of this wonderfully interesting information--to let you know, at this time i have no plans to finish "autumn of the heart"--as i was very inspired when i started to write it that first day--i let myself, become aware of how what i was feeling about kit was not going to have any real story, so i believe i let it go in a direction, i was not truly connected with, to make it what i thought would be more entertaining --


reserving the right to come back one day to finish, "autumn of the heart"---i will let you know at this time what may or may not have happened to kit----


she may have opened a bridal shop with her friend and have one day been re-united with her daughter, when she came in to pick out her bridal dress-



she may have gone back to the pig of a boss and taken the easy way out, or so it would have seemed to her--she not ever forgiving herself, would take his abuse as her plight in life---


she may have become an alcoholic and stayed at the cottage, also becoming a cat lady---

or she may have walked out into the waters the day she found captain dead----

either way, kit i am sad to say was not in my heart or my spirit----

so to be honest i don't really care what happened to her, because, she meant nothing to me--

i can't promise you, my readers, but i will try to never do this again---i wished i had of known her---sleep in peace kit----you were not my "autumn of the heart"

january oh january

i was just sitting on my sofa sipping my coffee when it suddenly hit me, that i wanted to write--that i thought i had something to say-- here is what i think it is (kinda)------

january is the month of dread--also the month of endless dreams, of plans that may or may not take place----it's kinda like that list that you made a while back and crumpled the paper into a tight ball, threw it in the corner and never quite came over to pick it up and toss it, because----because maybe just perhaps, you could actually accomplish some of those crazy lofty ideas you had floating around in that autumn brain of yours--ideas that quickly lost value when compared to the heavy duty of the endless holiday, Christmas season---the list that was always there for someday


and january is that someday, today---within january's dark endless days, days where all you want to do is eat waffles and sleep on the sofa and breath in and out, till the next day passes---days when you don't want to think of the junk room that is now two junk rooms or the cloudiness that lies in the sky and your weighty head-


but alas the cold air comes at you like a dare, a dare to do something, anything--to change something, to believe in something again, anything, everything, someone--

so january sits before me and beckons me on, and whispers to me--it won't always be this way-love me enjoy me, i am only thirty-one days, don't hate me---i could have been june, would that have changed me, would you dread me any less--


so i uncrumple the paper, rub the cynicism from my watery eyes and read the thought of an eager heart, that heart of autumn--and discover the heart is the same, the list still distinguishable and i go on to trust that this january too will pass but this time i will watch as it does