writing from the light side

okay----i know i have been, well shall i say a little dark lately---so as i am feeling not necessaryly light this morning but kinda upbeat---i thought, hmmmm it might be interesting to just let myself go and write on one of these kind of days----

wow---where to begin----you would think with all the stuff going on right now with robyn and dillon, i would be writing my brains out about it---but for me, sometimes it is too much for me to share details---kinda overwhelming and stressful----i would compare it to when one of my special angels would have a doctor's appointment--and they were always filled with hard to explain information---but waiting family would call me asking for the findings of the days events----i found myself cutting out more and more stuff as the phone calls increased----too bad i didn't have facebook back then and could have just sent a mass message----anyway, did that make sense---i mean comparing that to why i am not writing about the wedding plans yet---

so what to share----

i sure wish i could make over my house---does that sound trite----i will share this about kinda the wedding--we had a lovely brunch and reception planning time with robyn's future in-laws yesterday----oh did i mention, dillon's mom is a master cake designer and caterer-----i know i know-----well any who---their house was immaculate---i still like them though---

these last few nights have made me think of all kinds of lists and things-----you know, i probably should have gone into the gift basket business-----

yes i am aware i am rambling----this is probably why i don't write more when i am kinda hyper and hopeful-

but seriously--it is nice to have the sun shining in my heart today, even though it is raining buckets---

it is nice to have sweet times to plan and dwell on---

it's a good day to count my blessings and plan for grand-kids sleep-overs---a great day to discover the Easter egg lights, i found on clearance this past year---to plug them in and get a thrill---and think, how i can't wait to display them for the kids on the egg-hunt day-

see rainy days and mondays don't always have to get ya down

do you hear it

softly it ran past her----it came out of nowhere----rounded and cloudy, it descended from an unknown place

visible to those who would choose to see it's outline----but hidden from the cold ones, the empty souls of the greedy

shush----do you faintly hear it's echo-----no-----it cries for your favor-always turning it's many dispositions

alone in the rainy forest, it tip-toes like it was still crunchy---how i love that sound----and it's hard to recreate it in this moist abandoned island

so closing her heavy portholes  to the world---the wistful lull of her sleep calls her back----and there it sprints past her again so far from her, she questioned it's existence and as she rose to call it back---- she was unable to speak it's name

will i just shut-up----not now

i don't know what i thought life would look like---glancing out at 58------not the young girl of just the other day--not the young mother of a minute ago----and not yet--as far as i know---the even older, lady of one day---

i hate self reflection for the most part-----but yet

oh well, today i am not gonna beat myself up about any of the many feelings and emotions i have stirring within me---i will just be happy that anything is stirring in me

oh youth, is it wasted on the young---isn't that what an eighty year old would say to me----there's that "everything's relative" thing again----

as i sit here at my corner of my space, i can feel the warmth of the welcome sun, but i haven't even bothered to slit the drapes--no not one little bit--

is it me that has my last child planning a wedding----who is this stranger i have become-----years ago, i would have had no patience for these kinds of questions or let alone thoughts-----oh yes i hear you, i know the time is short and i am wasting it----so be it-------maybe i am suppose to be at this place and at this junction "this" time in my journey of existence---

if you are still reading---remember my disclaimer----who knows what is real and what is an illusion---hmmmm does that remind anyone else of a song-----;)

she left the house....

i really kinda hate myself for putting up this little "disclaimer" or explanation if you will---i always told the drama group, i lead, that we never wanted to neatly tie up the skit or play or scene we were presenting--to let the viewer determine it's meaning for them---etc.------but as a blogger, we are not just handing out a book in the bookstore for total strangers, whom we will never probably meet (except at an occasional book signing)----no the blogging community is sorta like a chosen family and you put yourself out there, naked sometimes----and sorta afraid that they are always taking you literally or thinking you are in some deep depression or worse-----yes i have my dark days ---but mostly when you read something that might be disturbing, it is mainly just my creative juices flowing and sometimes it is really my fears and the like coming out---as we tend to care about each other, i find it necessary to say this today
                                                                   ~~~~~~

she walked around that house for hmmmm many years, she wore an old lady's housecoat most of the time

she cooked breakfast and dinner everyday and cried easily-------she left in a body bag


i can see her sulking around and being silent--oh how i wish i had mastered her art of silent fighting, i think---

once she came to my school and blessed out everybody in sight---when i had been beaten up, by a girl---

she left in a body bag-

alone she had many unhappy thoughts and with me she would often share them---she was a gentle spirit from the past, not wanting confrontation, but never shrinking away when needed---

all of her clothes were painfully purchased----she once had been thin and one day would return to thinness---as she left in a body bag

as i knew she was coming down the hallway and i would choose to view this departure or go into the den---i knew what i must do------and it wasn't on a gurney ---no they carried her--rather awkwardly-----and i thought to myself----this can't be the way it ends, this can't be the last time she leaves this house, this home--never to return---she should have on her pantsuit or her flowery Sunday dresses-----but she left in a colorless body bag---i am pretty certain---although as i watched this---i told myself, she wasn't in it---

SPAGHETTI HELL

 this morning as i am making my spaghetti sauce---i again am reminded of this long ago post---i had asked my dad to come over for dinner tonight and he accepted, only to call me this morning with the request for a "rain-check"----oh sure, it's fine---if he only knew----you know the food issues i have---well when i make my semi homemade sauce, it really rears it's ugly strange head----part of it is i cannot see the expiration dates very well on the jars, i add to my sauce and thus the craziness of spaghetti hell begins......

                                  this part starts the repost

i am right now preparing spaghetti sauce --but the ? is why ( by the way my knee is better-probably wasn't good for it standing up chopping away )

a couple of weeks ago i decided to make spaghetti for my daughter-in-law's b-day dinner- great idea right-- not!! figured it would be easy and didn't have the money to take everyone out to eat- in comes my son and his family of 6 ready to eat. i had used a really BIG pot for the noodles-my husband almost burned himself trying to pour out the water--steam filling the kitchen till you could hardly see the grand-kids as they asked--"can i have garlic bread"--"i don't like spaghetti"--"hey nana you know what i want for Christmas"--and "hey do you have anymore of those blue drinks"--"can i sit at the bar" (counter, they like to call it bar ).

i thought it would be nice to put the spaghetti on a big platter and serve it home style- but first i had to get the noodles out with the tongs that were conveniently in the one drawer that was stuck like nobody's business! yeah it was going great!

so that's why i say to all that- i would not make the stupid mistake of having spaghetti when extra people were coming over

but here i am making my sauce for my dinner with my parents---they say insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting different results----CALL ME CRAZY

winter thoughts

she touched the ice, it melted in between her fingers, dripping silently to the frozen ground----waiting to hold it's crystals again---when had she come here---where was she----she bent down to pick up some bird's feather, but it was embedden in the grassy snow--

her time had come and she knew full well that all around her was the motion of the wind and it would soon be taking her to another world----she held no fear and reasoned, that she might be dreaming----

her breath out in front of her in little circles----floating toward the heavens----

the beauty before her, called her name and she knew she had heard this voice before----only a few times, but it was like an old friend or fleecy blanket enveloping her in serenity--

the ice was all but gone now as she pressed it to her thirsty lips, tasting it as though it was a luscious nectar---she opened her satin cape, tossing it as she painfully opened her other hand and let go of it's content