Zeal

 I wanted to end with something meaningful and intense- but I’m not sure it would be honest- and hey that’s our goal isn’t it!

I started this az challenge with great zeal and even excitement 

I’m finishing with a bit of disappointment in myself- just a little- because mainly I’m continuing to pat myself on the proverbial back

Zeal is fragile- it’s subject to winds of any velocity 

So when you start to experience that tingling zeal- ride it as far as you can- don’t expect it to be there waiting 

Because it doesn’t wait for anyone- it is at best fleeting and brief 

I hope for each one that participated in this challenge- happiness and blessings- contentment and wonder 

I hope life holds much joy and zeal and never give up on that dream or passion 

Congratulations to everyone and keep on writing what you know and care about- and if you can’t do that - make it interesting 

Yesterday

Truth can never touch yesterday- it’s clouded with mixed emotions 

No one actually recalls it exactly 

But there remains an essence of  echoing memory 

Behind the curtain of life’s intentions and beyond our earnest thoughts 

It continues stoically resting never

It’s still a promise awaiting 

Don’t call it gone or pretend it never was because you know you miss it 

Xmas

 Honestly I’m getting kinda lazy- I didn’t even take the time to research this- freshly- I have before 

Hey we all understand when we get to this letter huh

The x in Xmas is sometimes explained as a symbol of the cross

I’m okay with that - but I get why people are upset by it - omitting Christ- 

Now I’m getting kinda stuck- I might just stop here and go do a little more research - naw - wish I had picked X-ray or what’s the other one?

See this letter even has me using question marks

But seriously if someone wants to use Xmas instead of Christmas- I’m not going to get too upset- unless I do find out it means something I had not realized 

Hey I’ve warned y’all I’m not a serious writer- there’s too much work in that- 

And dare I admit I’m always confused about the xo thing- You know like which is the hug and which is the kiss

Wedding

I speak of Frank’s and my wedding- all the way back in the bicentennial year

I thought it might be fun to try and see if this post would allow me to think back on that amazing day and maybe take an honest although lighthearted look back

Of course being in August it was hot- I actually am saying that more of knowledge but with no real remembrance of being too hot or uncomfortable- you know I am assuming the church had ac at the time 

I wish I had recorded the music - as I didn’t hear much of the beforehand piano- or was it the organ- music 

My sister and my niece- who was under 2 - had taken a morning to meet with the lady who would play

I don’t think I can recall each one but here are a few

“What are you doing the rest of your life”- this one had gained popularity because of it being the theme song of a couple on a famous soap opera- I think it was Roger and Peggy but I’m not sure of the show 

“Feelings”- it was a big hit at that time

“ the Shadow of your Smile”

There were quite a few others

My brother in law Lewis sang 

I did record the ceremony but I’m not sure if it broke- but I can’t find it

I remember how my cake had fresh flowers on the top but they were the wrong color or one was- I don’t know how they got it mixed up as the same florist did my other flowers - I had picked pink and green but the cake had pink and blue 

I called them and got a big discount!

I remember the church was full 

As I write this I’m trying hard to not just jot down what I know but to let memories come back

Funny thing that comes back- one of our guests- she had been really Frank’s friend

Anyway she had cut off her long hair- I said to her “you cut your hair”- to which she exclaimed- “ no I had my neck stretched “ - as you can see it made an impression on me!

All in all I know I was extremely happy to be Mrs Frank Proctor 

Value

 When I mostly think of value- I equate it with the value or usefulness of something 

It is often said that we will value what is important to us

But if we don’t value it does it change the level of  value 

Is value similar to appreciation  - does it have to always pertain to worthiness 

If I value something and you don’t- does that make one of us wrong 

Value is extremely subjective - leading  to an enormous range  of importance 

If I recognize something’s value do I automatically respond to it- does my labeling it’s value raise it’s value- does everything have value- I pray each person has value to at least one person 

Until

 I had a little trouble with this letter - until landing on this one- 

Until is like a pause- maybe an excuse- or perhaps a promise of good things to come

We often hear- wait until- or don’t wait until it’s too late

Until holds out many conditions at times 

It leaves one stuck behind the eight ball of until 

Is it an excuse or an unobtainable time that never existed 

It can be a threat of sorts or simply a mark in any said event or goal

Is until an actual place- more like a noun- I guess only the user of this powerful ambivalent utterance would know 

The Trailer

 Remember how I’ve shared the relatively few strong memories I have of actual events and days of my childhood 

Well I may have written of this particular one before- so excuse me if I have

I think this day must have begun my fascination with house trailers 

My mother and as I recall- my sister Martha and my brother Bland and myself were going to retrieve a friend’s belongings from her tiny trailer where she had been living- alone and lonely- she was our church choir leader- she had become very close to our family and was coming to live with us for the time being 

It was the middle of summer- there was no ac and only the minimal shade from the aluminum awning in the tiny trailer 

But I sat on the small built in hard as a rock sofa- peering out the window - it pretty much took up the whole end of the trailer- I could see it all- people washing their cars- children riding bikes - women hanging out their wet clothes 

The mini stove- the cozy feeling- I could live there- I remember thinking and wishing 

True as I recall now I may have written about this woman before- and I became to dislike  her and she  me

But that day I did like her and had so much excitement for what I thought would be a lark

I can still feel the dry heat in that almost airless small home- and the awe of it all- hence started my romanticizing love of the house trailer 

As I take another look back at that mesmerizing day—I can’t help but wonder at the months ahead - that lead to such unhappiness- and how I’m glad I was able to be blissfully unaware of the strained at best feelings that would follow 

Summer Rain

 You know that song by Johnny Rivers

It’s funny how much I love him and his music- truthfully I never cared too much - or maybe I should say I didn’t appreciate him back in my youth- like I do now

And that song touches my soul and heart now- as back in the day I could almost say I really didn’t like it at all

The changes in the song’s arrangement are pure genius and convey perfectly what I think he must have been saying 

There is a melancholy essence there- strongly revealing it’s self in raw emotion 

You can smell that summer rain - smelling the cut grass and sea saltiness of the ocean spray and tears

I’m glad I rediscovered this beautiful song

Rushing

 I often find I rush through life- even dreading the process of routine chores - so rushing to start them to have them behind me! timing them and starting them way too early- 

As I write today- I will admit- I am writing ahead- I think some participants in this challenge may have their entire A to Z done ahead 

But when I started- I think 10 years ago- I took it literally- I sat each morning and wrote off the cuff- now mind you I still write off the cuff mostly 

I had told - almost promised myself this year would be different- I would resist the desire to get ahead or rush this yearly writing exercise 

It’s who I am- I’m planning the next family get together once the last one is successfully completed- I don’t really remember me being this way back in school 

I am most definitely not a procrastinator 

I think I may be getting a tad better- at least I’m ever more aware of my hurried attitude towards just about everything 

So as I write this post in advance - I’m hoping each day to stop and smell all the roses of life and linger where I need to

Quest

 I looked up this word- although I was certain I understood it’s meaning 

But as I read into it more- I realized it was not exactly the word I thought 

And I wondered had I truly ever had a quest- it’s hard to say

Maybe there were glimpses of one or two along the years or kinda were similar 

I always sorta looked at this word being synonymous with a dream but I’m not sure that’s accurate 

A quest consumes your life and being- it is almost compared to one’s destiny 

Does everyone have a quest they were created for but most don’t recognize it or refuse it

I’m guessing if your life is about a quest- then you have no time for anything else- 

Very few are willing to sacrifice earthly comfort for a quest

Are all quests worth it - isn’t it true that a quest could possibly be a definite misdirection 

But the weight- the honor of some quests- what sets another apart for such devotion 

And what allows the individual to endure the quest 

Perhaps

 Isn’t it a lovely word- not maybe- or we’ll see- but perhaps- said with a finger touching our face

Perhaps Love comes to my mind- the beautiful song by John Denver- it begs the question as to what is love- 

I see a child standing- holding onto their mother’s waist- pleading for something they don’t sincerely think they will receive- and the mother knowing she will give into the childhood request but wanting the child to wait expectantly 

So perhaps can be a door not shut a dream not crushed- and just as easily it can be a question and an answer all at once

Opposites do they really attract

 I think Frank and I could easily be labeled as opposites- and we did attract- don’t worry this isn’t that kind of post

I do wonder if opposites make better partners or friends 

Like the yin and Yang thing—good cop bad cop- 

In my life- that’s much of what I see- in friends and family- I would cautiously call most couples I know opposites 

It doesn’t line up with something I heard somewhere a long time ago- it said that if you would want a best friend like yourself then you were well adjusted 

I’m sure it is nice to have people in our lives who have common beliefs and interests 

Honestly Frank was interested in just about everything when we first met- me not so much- so really he probably gave up hobbies and such for me and our growing family 

So I haven’t made any earth shattering insights into this theory I guess it all comes down to chemistry and chance- or destiny 

Never say Never

 And I do try not to say this word- because for one thing I’ve said it so much in the past - only to have it come back to me - had to eat my own words so to speak 

As never would be a lengthy time- I guess infinite if it were truly never

Never rolls off the tongue in our lofty youth- when life has endless plans and straight trajectories 

But once we are burned or tired or just out of chances- never becomes much more elusive 

As it should be- for who are we to think we can determine never- remember Peter in the Bible- how he proudly exclaimed he would never betray Jesus 

Nevermind our good intentions or haughty pride

Never is too fierce - kinda unobtainable really 

Those who strive for never often find themselves abandoned and left with only their willful declaration of never

Mercy

 The Bible says “with what mercy you show- you will be shown “

Should make us keenly aware of the importance of mercy 

I think most of us have it for the ones we love 

The challenge begins when we look outside ourselves- and our judgement begins to cloud our capacity for mercy 

We are our brother’s keeper 

We are all just separated by the families we were born into and the continent we abide in

Mercy is not within you to give- it comes from a higher power- a divine essence of grace

Perhaps the closest we come to it in our humanness is when we give birth to another person by body or heart

And even though mercy is ethereal- it is contradictory to what makes us human

Lonely Longings

 Heart of sorrow- bringing passions of life

Returning to forever forgotten places- I turn and recognize them again

It’s all there together united by need and objectivity

Someone told me it would be this way but I couldn’t believe them- it holds out it’s hand

Don’t hold on too long- remember to breath and protect your eyes and thoughts

It will come and go- like the tides covering the sands- and you’ll watch in surrender as you break with the past

Kill them with Kindness

 This saying always makes me think of the spider and the web thing- 

It’s true kindness can do a lot of good but why does one want to kill them with it!

It’s like the biblical reference- “heaping hot coals upon their heads”

Is it truly kindness if our goal is to murder them 

Of course I’m kidding- I actually do get this strange piece of life advice 

It is hard for someone that is your enemy or is upset with you- to stay that way if you are showing kindness and nice attention toward them 

And a similar thought- I’ve heard pastors say how it is impossible to hate someone that you continually pray for- 

Kindness seldom cost anything- and it pretty much does return to you- likely at an even greater level than one gives

Kindness can soften the hardest hearts 

When we extend what we deem undeserved kindness we are able to see the need in ourselves for the unconditional response of benevolence 

So hopefully when we give out kindness- our aim is not to obliterate our victim and when we receive it hopefully the dosage will be just right

Jolly Roger

 It was one of our family beach week trips- we had all come down a day before our house we rented was ready- figuring we could enjoy an extra day in a hotel 

Being a Friday night we were having some difficulty finding a restaurant that could accommodate a party of 12 - 6 adults and 6 children- (2 more children were not born yet!)

Frank would run in each place- running back out with the thumbs down signal- everyone was starving!

Finally we decide to try one more place- it was not a bad place but on a Friday night and by then it was likely after 7pm- well let’s just say it didn’t scream family restaurant! Oh it was called The Jolly Roger- 

Frank comes back out- motioning- they can take us- come in- ushering everybody in 

They set us at a table further into the crowded room- as we all filed in you could hear people saying- “ they just keep coming- look at all those kids”- the staff was really sweet and as I recall the food was pretty good 

We were noisy but hey it didn’t seem to matter as they were getting ready to start karaoke night- the kids were begging to stay for it but we didn’t 

Frank had decided to tip more than he usually did- but after we left - he was kinda upset to realize they had already added a tip! Oh well - Frank said maybe that person really needed it and hey we had made it through dinner!

As I write about this memorable time - I wonder if I can lay my hands on the pictures we took of some of us posing outside with the huge statue of Jolly Roger

Iron boards

 Probably there are lots of people that don’t even know what this almost antiquated monstrosity is or I dare say certainly don’t own one

I might have come on a bit too strong up there but definitely not as widely used in this century 

I was just thinking how telling the difference is- my parents last house they had built in the 60’s actually had a built in ironing board in the utility room and a small one above the regular size one/ as a child I thought it was put there for me but I believe it was for smaller items such as ties and handkerchiefs

My mother had an antique ironing board she lent me when Frank and I moved from the old Victorian house to a small one bedroom apartment 

I really don’t recall using it for ironing but did set it behind our lovely flowered loveseat- there I loaded it with gorgeous houseplants- 

As a child I had my own small ironing board- 

When we sold my parents house last year- I think I remember seeing it in the living room- the contents of the attic were assembled there for each of us to scrummage through and retrieve whatever childhood treasures we cared to take- you know I’m not certain I took it home- I’ll have to check my attic sometime 

There was a time that I really got into ironing- not sure what it was about it- seems like it was soothing- something about the steam and the sounds- the smells of the material reacting to the hot moisture- it didn’t last

High Hopes

High hopes always makes me remember that cute song- you know the one about the little old ant- and the rubber tree plant

We used to make a Christmas family video- usually mostly pictures from the year before- my favorite part of the videos might have been selecting the music for them

And you guessed it - one year we used that song in the Christmas video! I’m not sure but I think it may have been the opening song!

I have always had a clear picture of that ant and have indeed wondered at that little bug’s tenacity 

I must admit I have pretty much always had a high hope sort of mentality- 

As a stay at home mom- most of that high hoping involved my husband and what exciting news he might bring when he walked in the door- from an outside world full of possibilities 

Some of you might recall the famous evangelist Oral Roberts- he would always end his program with - “ something good is going to happen to you”

And I believe that- 

True we have to look for them most times- we may even have to decide they are good things in the seemingly bad things

But if that little old ant can have the audacity to think he’s gonna move that rubber tree plant!— with all those huge creatures looming above him- ready and willing to snuff  him out at any given moment 

Then why can’t we believe in the impossible- endure the unendurable - all we gotta do is keep on having those high hopes!

Golden years

 I’m sitting here pondering the expression golden years- as we reference it towards those up in age

And I wonder why it’s gotten that sparkly nickname 

While it’s true- that hopefully most aged people have gained much wisdom- I’m not too sure that the majority of old people would choose that title 

I ran into two older than me friends the other day- one of them told me that almost all of her friends were dead- I’m glad she has her friend she was with 

Of course poor health would surely be a reason for one not to identify with themselves being in their golden years 

Could it mean that like gold is refined by fire- our older selves are golden from life’s fires 

Truly I haven’t seen that much joy in the people I have been close to as they were in their golden years 

It’s true that if one retains their mind- they may be more aware of what matters and what does not- but I’m not convinced that that is all that comforting in general 

The golden years might mean they can more easily see the golden sights of heaven- 

As I muse about this issue- I find I truly hope there is something illuminating and shining in all our golden years 

Favorites

 Okay let me begin by saying this post does not include important people or things- it’s meant to be a fun frivolous kinda post! 

Let me start with my great affection for sink liquid scented soaps-it’s so cool when I find a pretty color along with an unusual scent combo!! always the pump kind! Not long ago I purchased some $6 or so bottles of soap for a clearance price of $1! Oh and I simply revel at clearance in general!!! See I’m even using exclamation points!!

I adore art!!! Too much to share on that one!!

I so get a kick out of decorating my mantle- seems I’m always changing it - I found myself putting up St.Patrick’s day stuff this year- new for me!!

I can’t think of anything I love to do more than trying to find the right - although not perfect- gift for people!

It is a blessing to be able to give!!

I found this past year something I never thought I would like- audio books!! But I have bought a few bummers- good thing they are pretty cheap and there are lots of free ones!

This is probably too close to the soap thing but I have to tell you I am wild about air fresheners and was super excited the other day when I found peach and watermelon!!

I also love perfume and am so loving a Calvin Klein fragrance Colin and Kelli got me!!

Well I’m not ashamed to let y’all know I do watch tv!!! I especially like reality tv - news shows- Austin city limits- cooking shows/ decorating shows- Joseph Prince and Joel Olsteen- oh and I really like shows about out in the cold wilderness- and travel shows

Actually I could go on and on on that one- should have saved it for another letter haha 

Okay I’m gonna bring this to an end- hmmm let me see

I like to make lists- to do lists- people lists- grocery lists- if I can think it- it’s in a list- so I love my notes thingy on my phone!!

Oh and I guess I’ll end with this- I once again love tea!!! I gotta save something!!! Enjoy the little things!!!

Egg hunt

 Remember yesterday how I was talking about daydreams and how I didn’t have that many that come back to me over and over

This egg hunt doesn’t rise to the other levels but as I was thinking of E words and settled on Egg- this particular memory brought back feelings I don’t usually embrace with this day

My Sunday school teacher was having an Easter egg hunt at her house- she lived very near our church- for some reason she had decided I was her favorite pupil!

I recall knowing it was wrong as she lead me around to the prize eggs- but I was not about to refuse them-

But today as I was going back to that day - a new old feeling and fragrance and emotion hit me hard

Like I said- I was very special to her and she constantly showered me with beautiful gifts but none could rival the plastic dolls she dressed in the hugest tissue paper dresses I had ever seen- I don’t know how many she gave me but I know they sat regally on my bedroom dresser- 

As I thought about that egg hunt and the dolls- I had to wonder at the lofty visions it evoked in my recollection thank you unnamed Sunday school teacher 

Daydreams

 I started daydreaming about the word- and how it is in the day dreams - and unlike our nighttime ones - we are awake 

I also keep coming back to the things I daydream about the most and I always come back to episodes or times in my early childhood 

It got me to realizing with more amazement how our young experiences and nurture shape us so deeply and permanently 

Now I think people can overcome bad feelings or not the most optimal upbringing- in general- but I am curious why such ordinary places and occurrences hold such pivotal spots in our dreams memories and daydreams

Of course I daydream about current things and future hopes- but it’s not like the essence of those indelible scenes from our childhoods

So as I write this letter’s blog post- I ask myself why there are not a litany of those fond days - why for me there are the same old few- as far as I can recall I had a wonderful childhood 

I believe that on those days- there must have been something else that made it embed so deeply- I’m guessing it was events I could not understand- so the parts I could decipher were the ones that stuck

Cooking

 Today I will shamelessly promote my cooking page!!

Early last year my son Colin and his wife Kelli suggested I start a cooking spot- perhaps on TikTok Facebook or YouTube- I even added in the occasional post on Instagram!

I’m by no means a serious chef!! But I have to say I am enjoying it!!

Sometimes I will add in a craft or two- I am definitely not good at implementation but have a  mind for the ideas of hopefully fun things to try!

Robyn is usually my camera woman- except for the times I’m just showcasing my crockpot creations and not appearing on camera 

Y’all that have been with me for a while may remember my love hate relationship with cooking- well that has been there for sure- there have been too many days I probably have spent way too much time thinking of recipes 

But all in all it’s been a good experience- truthfully I started just for the love of it- but hey if I could make a little money- I would spend a lot more time dwelling on dishes!! But alas - like my writing- I fear it’s not something I will be consistent enough to reap any monetary rewards 

Okay so there you are- I know an obvious choice for C - oh and it’s called “Cooking with Lynn Proctor”

Before

 Before? 

It seems like the logical choice for today- but feels kinda like I’m not trying 

Before what- before my life changed completely- before the foot rubs stopped- before when  Saturday mornings were spent drinking coffee and planning our years together or just that afternoon outing

See why this feels kinda lazy - kinda self indulgent- but it’s okay- I’m giving myself a pass- maybe even a good pat on the back

It’s too hard not to think about before- there is a fine line between living in the past- and getting through the present by comforting one’s self with sweet memories 

Before is a luxury to some- a beautiful thing to recall times places and people- a place of familiarity - a place where the events are possibly sweeter than in actuality or maybe even deeper joys that our minds can’t completely replicate 

So I’m sticking with before today and wondering if we might find out that life’s in some ways just a big circle and I’m getting ready to walk into before

After

 I’m sure I must have used this dynamic little word before 

I wasn’t totally sure I would join this writing challenge this time around- not sure I really had anything to say

But actually I knew in my heart and head there was a lot going on

It’s been almost two years since my best friend/husband died of Covid- I look at pretty much everything these days in terms of after that

But also with a heavy dose of before that- things I had long put away- a different life- my whole being 

So what am I now- I ask myself way too much— it’s not that I don’t experience joy still- but I have to look for and and accept that it is not easy many days 

Before this writing challenge began- I said to myself- you’re going to be honest- not holding back- 

But as I’ve shared before- I know that is part of what is stifling about my writing- I’m definitely not completely honest - I don’t know what I’m waiting for- but truthfully it is more a protective thing I’ve always felt- like I would never want my ramblings to hurt anyone 

So as I dip my toes in the written thought this challenge- I hope to be aware of the afterlife I am living and pray to embrace it