looking out

the pull to write has come again--it actually hit me the other night--in the middle of the night---i did not answer---sometimes this familiar call is a comfort, sometimes a burden---

as i look off into the distance through my kitchen windowsill--now empty of the five little angels and five little nutcrackers----i admire my woodsy view---

so many hours my two oldest boys spent running amongst the many trees and exploring the wide creek at the foot of our property-----i recall a night i sat gazing at this fortress of childhood-- i wrote of their adventures--a night that threatened a storm--a night when they were with their daddy at a scouts meeting--right up the street-----i knew then, i thought, how fast those days would scatter----

i do not complain---just a vision in my vast memory of life------

as today brings this last year to an end---only because we say it ends---i stop and try to grasp it's importance

i can't----i won't-----i don't know it really--

i could go on and on about what is time---i could go much further into the true meaning of life and believe me i just might try, if i thought i had one clue about it

but alas for today, i only want to wish you many blessings and treasures, ahead of you----i wish you peace and grace and of course mercy---but be sure to issue mercy in greatness because it will return to you in like--

as my windowsill will probably adorn some new decor---perhaps something homemade---maybe something holding the promise of spring-----but i will dust it anyway---in anticipation of the view it will lead me through-

a Christmas message of love and gratitude

hi blogging family---i couldn't let Christmas come and go without letting each and everyone of you know, how special you are to me and how grateful i am to know you all----these past few months have meant so much to me

i have laughed and cried with you and felt more encouragement towards my writing than i ever have before---you all truly inspire me--

i wish for each of you, your hearts desires and many blessings--

may this friendship grow more and more in the coming year---thank you all for being who you are <3>

just when

they say that hearts can be broken------that maybe they can't be mended---only transplanted--only bypassed--

our souls long for connection but sometimes those connections leave us empty and confused--

how can a world where we are expected to exist and work and love and marry and give birth---be so laden with what seems to be booby traps---just waiting to get us---sometimes when we have forgotten to be afraid---sometimes when life seems mundane--but easy to manage

such is this place we call home--for now----i think of the ants---they go along building and planning and most times unaware of the giant looming over them---their lives ready to end----just when they've built that dream home--just when their family is complete--just when they've finally made it to retirement age--just when

just when we do not know--when our world will be forever altered--forever shattered----and we just know we will never recover--

when just as suddenly----a shadow appears beside us and we feel this warmth---a warmth we have maybe never experienced before and something inside us beckons us upwards and onwards---with a promise of a greater meaning--a greater hope--and once again our hearts are shocked back into the rhythm of this life

the Christmas play--a different one haha--and a repost from way back--sorry to repost but so busy :)

it's getting about that time of year , yes the wonderful magical children/anyone else we can grab to be in it play time of year--yes i've been writing and directing the church Christmas play on and off for over 24 years --the last 7 in a row--haven't decided as to whether i will do it this year--i know i say that every year--but by now each year i have it all written or at least the music picked out.

i like to write it , but i started writing it out of necessity--you see we have a small number of children at our rather small church--but it does seem they started coming in much greater numbers the last few years. there is much joy in doing the play--and a load of hard work . my husband who is my right hand man is the biggest help of all and one of my good friend's is always the stage manager--she provides a large number of the kids herself, and in the early years, it was just about only hers mine, and a very few others.

,

lots of funny things have happened through the years-- i remember a couple of years ago i was sitting on the front row -as i always do ---i try to tell these people that a true director only observes from an inconspicuous spot in the audience--but they won't hear of it----so anyway this one year during one of the scene changes ( my friend and i actually had other ladies dressing them back behind the baptismal ) i look on stage and there is one of our few boys missing! i'm trying to get my friend the stage manager's eye and finally she sees me and shrugs her shoulders--like ,i have no idea where he is--then out he comes, costume ashew and almost at the end of the act-i was just glad we hadn't lost him--shhww

then there was the year i had the bright idea of letting them carry Christmas candles at the end of the play - as they walked in singing the last highly emotional song --well everything was going fine, until one of our kids with special needs decided it was time to wave to everyone with her candle --her candle that had a glass bulb in it--not only did she --but then her sister who has special needs also ,decided she was gonna wave it if her sister got to--and you guessed it --i saw them as they were falling , i lurched up as did others to try in vain to stop it--there was no stopping it and no stopping the numbers of other kids that followed suit--it was crazy--glass all over the stage --and did i mention the kids were barefoot--but would you believe it no one got hurt--we just played the song alittle longer than planned and out they marched each one gingerly stepping over the many broken glorious Christmas candles.

the last two years i've been so blessed to have almost all my grandchildren take a part in the Christmas play-- the first year they participated, the oldest one was 9 --well once he got to the practice he decided he wasn't having any part of nanny's old Christmas play--he retreated to the back of the room along with his younger brother--i tried my best to bribe him with candy and other things but he was having none of it--his brother was at the age, he was gonna do or not do whatever his big brother was doing--okay ,okay that was fine --i look back during the rehearsal and the younger one was blubbering to beat the band--i stopped the practice -went over to him and asked what was wrong--" i wanta be a Shepard in the Christmas play but bubba doesn't want to "--well if  you want to you can i assured him--he did and the practice went on --we even decided that older brother could be my script helper.

my grand-daughters were angels--we were pretty sure my oldest grand-daughter would be fine when it was time for she and her cousin to come in together,but the younger one took off like a bat ---- and beat her to the stage --they were so cute--the youngest one keep her pacifier in her mouth the whole time--it was adorable.

there are all ages that can be in the Christmas play--we had a wise man in a wheel chair--we've had girls as shepherds --Josephs that are maybe a foot shorter than Mary --and babies that have to be held to take a part--anyone who wants to take part can--------i don't encourage this --but one year we had these couple of families that used to come to our church and some of them still came some times--one of the fathers in the families had become a pastor and so had his own church--they came that morning to see the play and stopped down the hall where they knew we met the morning of the play-to get everyone ready--the kids were so excited--i asked them would they like to have a "walk- on" as shepherds and angels --they were jumping up and down with delight--the poor new assistant pastor's wife was my costume manger that year-- i'll never forget her face as i asked her could she and her helpers get 6 more kids ready-- we only had about 15 minutes till show time.

but the very first Christmas play i ever wrote and directed--probably holds some of the fondest memories--it had just as many adults as kids --it was the first play the church had ,had in some time--i even held auditions -it was great--the night before the play we had our dress rehearsal--i was sick as a dog 103 fever aches ,chills-- i came to the rehearsal with a blanket wrapped around me--we had a party that night instead of a after party--i don't know how i was able to do it --i went home and my husband and i decided , i probably wouldn't make it the next day--all that work and time - i was so disappointed but so sick that i just knew i wasn't gonna be able to be there--my sister had the pivotal solo--well she called that night and said she had a really sick kid --she couldn't do it--just about all my family sings and entertains--so i got my husband to call my nephew and niece to see if they could fill in--i had a pretty good idea they would be busy--they sang lots at their church and others--they could do it!--the next morning my fever was gone and i was almost completely well- i made it .and my nephew and niece were thrilling - they brought the house down--at the end we had a gift bearers part of the service that went with the story of the play -- people came up bringing gifts with one hand and wiping their tears with the other--i'll never forget that play --i only wish someone had taped it --but you know maybe the memory of it is even better.

well i still don't know if i will do the Christmas play this year--but everyone should be apart of one at least once in their life.

the Christmas play :(

the last few days i have been sharing Christmas memories as my statuses on facebook----
today i have one that i just can't seem to let go of---or should i say the thought that i am to write about it--
i felt it would be better to share it in this forum----

tonight is one of my granddaughter's preschool Christmas programs----which may have pricked this unpleasant memory---

way back---and the funny thing is i can't remember if it was first grade or second-----there was a school Christmas play-----everyone in my class was in it or at least in the chorus---everyone but me--

of course i have recalled this many times during my life---but yesterday as it flashed back into my consciouness---it puzzled me--maybe more than it ever has-----

i can see myself now---sitting with my mother---as the parents were invited to see this wondrous production---but her child was not in it---i was only beside her clapping at the appropriate times and dying a little each time my class did any of their parts---

frank says i need therapy----but i am not too scarred from it---i don't think----just still wondering at why--

the only thing i remember for sure, is the teacher telling my mom that my voice did not blend in---

now let me defend myself----haha i am defending myself how many years later----therapy--maybe--

i ususally don't out and out brag on myself---but when push come to you know what, i will---and as i get older, i find it easier to admit when i am good at something-

i did have a solo voice for sure----my oldest sister was always in plays and beauty pageants---i was forever singing all the songs she would perform------it was almost weekly during the show and tell time in class, to find me sharing my talent---often times other teachers and it wouldn't have been unusual for the school principal to come in to hear me-

now as i continue to defend myself---i have to assure you, i had a very nice voice-----i was told i had perfect pitch----and so on----i am sounding like an idiot aren't i---

well there you have it---Christmas time can bring out all kinds of lovely and horrid memories---

i suppose, the main thing that i ask myself, is how did my mother allow this to happen---i am certainly not angry with my poor mom----but just still bewildered----i mean--my mom was not a confrontational type--but if you slighted one of her children----well let's just say---you thought long and hard about ever doing it again-----

so i gotta remember it this way----my own therapy-----i must have been too embarressed to tell my mom---she must not have known i wasn't in the play until she got there----she "inquired" as to the stupid reason and was told the voice thing---

oh well---i went on to star in many productions through the years and later wrote and directed many children in many plays------and i always adopted this policy------any kid who came along--even on the day of the play---was given a part---even if it was only a walk on------it just makes sense------what could it hurt---

the dolls----re-post from 2009

for as long as i can remember i have had a love hate relationship with dolls. my mother has a picture of me visiting the legendary santa at the miller & rhoads department store. i'm holding a baby doll that was bigger than me. it was under the Christmas tree where santa was, i had taken it and was toddling away with it as fast as my chubby little legs could travel! my mother said i threw the biggest fit when they had to take it away-- and so it began.

i'm pretty sure i know where my fear of dolls came from-- see if you don't think this would be kinda scary----my two sisters and i had met in the bathroom early one Christmas morning--probably about 3a.m. --we decided to see if santa had indeed been for a visit--we inched down our long dark hallway to our living-room- where santa always left our haul under our huge live tree---as i peeked around my two big sisters there was my doll- the one i had asked for--i had wanted a life size walking doll--but she wasn't walking-- how could she--
for there she was sitting on our fancy sofa still in her plastic bag -- i turned and ran back to my bed terrified out of my mind! how would i be able to look at that doll in the morning
but when i got up hours later, there she was out of her horrible bag ,pretty as can be-- i got to carry her to my grandmother's that day-- her name was joyce--she later would lose her leg and go to live in attic town

still today i can't go into a doll shop without someone to go before me--i'm telling ya though i think i'm normal--dolls can be very scary, i don't care what anybody says

fortunately none of this has stopped me from buying my daughters and grand-daughters lots of beautiful dolls -- and so today when i saw at wally world two big baby dolls on sale i didn't hesitate to get them for two of my grand-daughters birthdays--i have already got four dolls for four grand-daughters for Christmas--just don't ask me to buy them from an antique store --yikes!!

this might just help

yesterday as i was making more lists and checking- only a few things off my list of to do and to purchase- pay---calls to make cards to send---situations to work out----something came to me------

if i could tackle each day's challenges like a preschooler's "work-sheets"----well then it just didn't seem as over-whelming

i remember kinda liking those work-sheets and i loved using them to teach robyn---i can't tell you how many work-books we went through

so even if a day is full of things much more serious than a work- sheet---i think it would help to view life's daily work as such----

some days i will get to all of my sheets---and others----well i might just have to do some make-up work the next day---

re-post from 2009-- happy thanksgiving:)

hey everyone- hope all have a great day tomorrow--robyn and i just finished making some of our dishes early- robyn wanted to do it all by herself- but we managed to do it together- one day it can be all hers-

thought i would talk a little about some "special" thanksgivings-
one that comes to mind--if you remember my blog about janie, you will understand why this one was so special--we picked her up to come to our house, just for the day- we were still planning to adopt her at this point and some of our family was going to come over to meet her--i remember it was snowing that morning-- it was one of those snows that only covered the ground and trees, it was so very beautiful- we had a fire going all day and it was just a great day- a day that i knew as it was happening, would long be a very special memory-

totally other aspect of thanksgiving- there was this one year-- our little boy, tommy had been in the hospital for a week- we came home the day before thanksgiving-- i told frank i wasn't up to the full blown day- but he assured me he would do it all and it would be fine- it wasn't- i ended up sending him to the "great american steak buffet"- he probably didn't care too much anyway--colin and kelli meet him there-- i fed the little kids- and we had lots of left-overs--frank even got the "senior discount" -which he wasn't old enough for- hahahaha

oh yeah - there was this one year, i decided to go back to making everything from scratch (i know) well i had just finished my huge pan of homemade stuffing- it was cooling on the counter- i left the room for something- i returned to find "luda" (our dog) eating the stuffing- she had almost eaten half of it--i just cut out the part where she might have licked it and served it anyway--funny the kinda same thing happened years before that- i had made my mother's famous mac and cheese- well it fell in the floor as i was pulling it out of the oven- i scooped the top layer back into the pan and called "hugo" (our dog then) in to lick up the rest-

i have lots of other fond memories, but i gotta go cook some more- happy cooking and just be thankful i didn't ask ya over my house this year- too bad i don't have a dog-

no lights before it's time

the darkened houses leave me feeling somewhat warm and cozy inside, like i wonder who lives there and what are they doing---i kinda feel like "john-boy"

while the Christmas music plays, i hum it in my head and try to bring back those memories, no they won't come-

not the way i always imagine they will come---so i think to myself----each year holds another promise-
i can fight against it or submit to it's beckoning---i don't

then there is a glimmer--someone has taken the time to adorn their abode with the shiny stuff---it all runs together for me---like a watercolor painting left in the bathroom with the shower on----i like it better that way--

will this season bring the softness of winter or the bitter chill-----is it only in my power or do i have a thing to say about it---

so i will trust to feel it when it arrives and hope to not grow tired before it's time--

and although the shadows are still there and the pain that feels a little like comfort will undoubtedly arrive from event to event-----

i know full well that come january i will regretfully mourn it's passing

when did this happen

yesterday something hit me---something that i thought my life paralleled at this time---

getting stuck in the drive-thru----you know that moment when you realize the line just isn't gonna move fast enough for you--but there are cars in front of you and oh yeah, you just missed your chance to back up--some duffuss has just joined the parade--

a paralyzing thought hit me the other day---the fact --if i live another 22 years, i will be 80-----no wait, i have to tell you i re-added those numbers several times before, i accepted that possibility---

and it didn't work the other way----22 years back didn't sound all that young---sorry all you 36 ers out there--i mean it is young, but not young in comparison to the oldness sounding of 80--

now i mean no disrespect to all of my elders-----as a matter of fact, i am having more and more respect for them each day-----my dad is 87-----and although he gets along pretty well----it ain't always pretty for him--

okay i realize, i am not assured i will make it to 80 or even 60----wow---that sounds foriegn too---when did this happen----where is that cute girl---that i didn't appreciate back then---in the good old days----and you know i most definitely recall they weren't all the good old days--

so what do i do---stuck in the middle of that darn drive- thru line of life----i could decide to get out of my car and just leave it there in line---blocking the guy behind me and annoying the heck out of the ones behind him---

or i could lay on my horn until all the people preventing me to leave this awful position in the drive-thru----had no choice but to back it up and let me out--

i certainly wouldn't want to ramp it up and mow down the car in front--

so i wait for my happy meal, like a good girl---mmmhhhh, old lady-------and try to remember what i wanted to order when i get my turn-----

suggestions please :)

hey guys---what's everyone doing for thanksgiving---you know me, i have been writing my list since a month ago at least---but----

i was wondering what you all make for the big day-----i always want to try at least one new dish each year--just to keep it interesting and fresh---

but the problem is--i always end up having all the traditional stuff too----and sometimes it is all just way too much work---

if i do my shopping, maybe in two trips or better yet, let frank do some of it---i will tend to be more sane---you know the grocery thing---

i have been watching the cooking shows, but have been disappointed that they aren't really doing all that much holiday recipes yet---what are they waiting for--i mean it is pretty early this year----

i also am planning to have my oldest son's birthday dinner---which is always stressful---because poor thing has such a limited time off, it's just hard for us all to get together---i think or i should say, i hope he still likes for me to do it, as i do a dinner for all of the big kids birthdays-----

oh btw---my son i was talking about(dustin--"robhye"--his stage name which has become his everyday name which i can't get used to----you should hear his brother colin pronounce it haha--i digress) is an extra in the lincoln movie---the extras have a special showing for them tonight, i tried to get my son to go--but he couldn't get off :(-----he says he will probably see it when it comes to video----

so any suggestions on the not so usual dishes for thanksgiving--i would love to hear them or any special little traditions you do----thanks for sharing :)


hey--sorry, i didn't mean to ignore my friends who don't celebrate thanksgiving--please share your best ideas too!!:)

good-byes

aunt alice's funeral was yesterday and with her passing came the end of an era in my family's life--

her services were not in the little frame church, that still graces the grounds, but in their new facility---not at all like i had envisioned it----time marches on--

we rode past my grandmother's house afterward and alice's house, which is just a couple of lots away----

finally the new owners were taking down the old shingles from my grandmother's house----how i wished i had gotten back in---one more time----maybe taken the old ornate space heater in the dining room---or that gorgeous deer in the snow scene front door-----if only-

i have many things from my grandmother's house---not really anything from my uncle elwin and alice though----a dear friend of alice's told me as i was leaving the church---if alice's brother didn't want all of the family(my side)pictures, she would send them to me----

this lady actually took care of my aunt alice until she had to be placed in the nursing home---she is her sister's sister-in-law----she is such a special person---her sister was saying yesterday, how she was an angel in disguise---i told her, that i didn't think she was disguised too well--

we drove past the two little frame bridges as we left the church yard----the waters always scared me as a child--and i shuttered a little as they creaked and swayed--

as we passed the reservoir, i felt that old feeling, it was cloudy and i was hungry and chilled-----i remembered those winter days--arriving at grandmother's house---the old wood stove she cooked on--the one i have now, just sitting in my kitchen---no use, just reminding me-----i could feel how i felt, as a child---how after dinner, if it were really cold and looked at all like there could be the possibility of snow--

i would huddle up on my grandmother's old iron bed and dreamily peer out those cold windows----just knowing i wouldn't have school the next morning--

my sister got out as we passed by alice's--she was going to take a picture---i rolled my window down, telling her we were going on---i had taken pictures not too long ago anyway----

we did move on and on down the road and i found myself not looking back at those waving hands ---only remembering them in my fondest glimpses of yesterday-----

rainy days and mondays always let me catch up from the weekend

hello everyone---i thought i would check in before the possibility of a power outage---we here in richmond va. have been very blessed so far--just small wind and moderate rain--but they are calling for strong winds this evening---i am still trying to pray it away for all---God can do whatever He chooses---but it doesn't hurt to ask!!

sorry i am not going to do much good writing haha---just a quick drop in to say a few words about my weekend-----

it was a rather busy--but good one-----finally dannon got to have her 6th birthday party----i don't even know if anyone counted all the kids--but there was no lack of them and parents---a good time was had by all and although, dannon did not get the horse she had wanted for her birthday present(she got a hamster she named "bob") --she did get an awesome "horse" themed party ----i know she was in horse heaven---

then there was the annual church "fall follies"------i started doing this back in the 80's----i retired a couple of years ago---now our youth put it on----robyn was not about to let it go haha---she is a little like me, we have been told-----we didn't have the biggest turn-out--as i think lots of people were at home preparing for the storm-----dillon proved in a big way---that he was a great sport---even taking over for our missing "blues brother" this year----

then yesterday---two of my grand-daughters, had one of their cheer competitions----they were so cute----reagan's team came in second in their division(they would have come in first if it was not for their cd messing up their dance routine)---a lot of the girls in her group were crying afterwards, but as we ran into reagan in the hallway, she was only concerned that she was hungry---rylee's team took first place in their division---rylee is a center flyer---yay, no one in her group fell---big bonus-----thank goodness both girls were in different divisions btw---

hope you enjoy the pics and videos---

and a big big heartfelt thank you to all of you that took the time to visit, read and generously comment on adrienne's blog and story--it meant the world to her and me!!!

sorry to end on a sad note--but my aunt alice passed away on friday--it was expected of course and we were surprised she lasted as long as she did---her funeral had to be postponed due to "sandy"--but should be wednesday-----and i was so shocked and saddened yesterday to learn, that one of my friends(actually, we were once engaged) passed away a few days ago---i had lost touch with him for many years, but remember him very fondly--he was only 58 <3>

everyone stay safe, if you are in the way of the storm---ttyl <3>

                                                  my frank and dillon-- watch for the ending

                                    dillon wore his tux but the music messed up for the real performance

                                     he also played a great electric guitar-- which we don't have up yet

 this started way back and now it's a tradition that we end with this-- and as it has evolved they look "a little bit" less and less each year like "pharaohs"--  this was the joke because we first used the "wooly bully" by "sam the sham and the pharaohs" 

                                this is suppose to be a parody of robyn and dillon's adorable dance:)

my daughter-in-law-- adrienne proctor is published-- yay!

hello friends---i have some wonderful exciting news---my daughter-in-law-- adrienne proctor is published!!!---she is an excellent writer and has been working on different projects---she is responsible for getting me out there in the blogging world----she suggested i join the a-z challenge-----i am linking you up to her blog and the story-----please take a look and congratulate her on a job well done- -thanks guys!

her blog



hey if you read this could i ask you to please leave me a comment that you saw this and would you be so kind as to leave one on adrienne's blog also----i can't see the comments on the story haha---but don't forget to comment on the publication too---haha--hope i didn't ask too much ;)

such is life

i wait and i wonder, is it now is it later
do i rest with my knowledge, do i search for more important information not given

and i say to myself--who knows, who can tell you, what a moment, what a year may bring
who is to say all is well and i promise there will be no regrets

such is life, such are dreams, gone if we linger too long, wasted if we don't embrace the gifts before us

sometimes, i think back and i remember many issues wrestled with, and forgotten
did i forfeit that time--is it still out there somewhere, unused---i wouldn't know how to reach it

the beauty in pain reminds me of the brevity before us all and i capture a glimpse of the desires of my heart
if only they would always be the same desires

and though i pose these questions of mine in different ways and cadences---it's okay---for until this life has left us, we ask and seek and deliberate and yes sometimes we just dive in, heart first and let the unspoken voices drain from our consciousness

love was in that mountain air

popping in to share some news----my daughter robyn is engaged to dillon!!--i told you i thought he was the one :)

we attended a family wedding in the mountains over the weekend----it was held in the town where dillon grew up and he still has family there-----he proposed in an old building in a park he remembers playing in so much as a child-----it was really quite sweet----

the wedding was for my "dil" kelli's sister---it was so beautiful and had so many personal touches that made it all about the special couple----my son colin and his "bil"  were ushers--- kelli and her sister were maids of honor---colin and kelli's two girls, my granddaughter's were flower girls--the wedding was outside, in a small concert area--the lovely reception was in an old barn--very unique and meaningful----

i love weddings where the couple just goes for it--whether it be traditional or way out there---they should do what they have in mind--

i have done several weddings for daughters of friends and family members---i once even tried to start a wedding business with a friend----i was sure when robyn got married, that i would have all kinds of ideas for it--but you know, i don't

i am so at peace about her being married ---i am looking forward to all of it, but you know---part of what i am looking forward to is to see what twists and turns the planning may take----i hope they put love and thought into their day-----kelli would be happy to know, that i don't even care what music they have---haha, sorry--inside joke :)

honestly i probably should admit, that some of this serenity and calm may derive from the fact being how much alike robyn and i are---



other news, my aunt alice is still here with us--i cannot believe she is still living----part of me worries that she may not be getting the pain relief she needs-----i hope that is not true--


hmmmmmm, let's see what else-----lots of thoughts about life etc.---no real direction or desires--but feeling better--

i had a dream the other night that i started doing dramas again at church---president obama  was a member of my church and insisted he wanted the starring role in the play--he was delightful, but it kinda freaked me out---especially since i was writing the play and already had someone in mind for the lead role----the stress i felt in the dream, made me think i am not ready to start that up again!

oh, just to let you know---i have appreciated all of the nice encouraging comments i have received on my different poetry writings---i have told you, that poetry is my true love in writing and i plan to do more of it---:)

okay--poetry is my thing right now

so many messages out there so many gimmicks and pitches
i turn my ear away-i don't look, but i can recite them, like a child

the choices are too many, like a rainbow full of all the colors, all the shades and mixtures
i sometimes don't want variety, no give me the comforting monotones of existence, until
i don't want that any longer

the gray sky looms over me and tells me gray is sad and yellow is not sad
who told the sky, it was so smart----i guess i did

wealth, youth, my hearts desires, non of these can erase these challenges
and yes, such small insignificant challenges they really are

as i write and omit lines--something i rarely do---i know the knowledge of the questions i pose
but i ask myself, how many times will i come back to this and i full realize that answer is unwanted

not always

how is it we dream- we question and worry about the future
the future comes and it's nothing like we imagined
sometimes worse, most times just different and then when better---we, i, still question-

hard to let go of thinking things will work like we have seen them in the past-
hard to set about acting on the answers we have been given

such is life, full of endless hours wondering and stilling the fears that ebb into our consciousness-
all is for purpose--could it truly be ----when do the windows open wide enough to see the plan

faith at what's not seen---okay i agree---but what of the world around us---how dissimilar it appears at times

the one foot in the one foot, you know-----

go with it-let it be---stop asking over and over, is this the real thing--is this the story --is this the way

while all around us the rain falls and the seasons do their thing and i take a backwards glance- to discover--once in a while, you can get what you want and it might just be what you need

coffee, birthday's and maybe last visits

i knew i wanted to write this morning--but in all honesty, i was stressed about the idea----i know i share stuff like that information, that is certainly not necessary, but i find that kinda insight into others, interesting, so i hope as i share the real me with you--you will find it easier to relate to me also----

speaking of writing, i have to let you know, we were all---we being the blogging community--being talked about at my family get together saturday----someone, who will remain nameless, was accusing  me of being on facebook all the time---i let him know, that i was not on there as much these days, as i am busy with my blog-----others started to ask me about my blog--like why do i use the dashes and who were my blogging friends and where were they from---

when i told them you guys were from all over the world---they cackled haha---they were so funny they thought----but it's okay---i told them, they just didn't get it and one day they would be honored to tell people about me----you all get that i am kidding right :)

we celebrated at my dad's, his 88th birthday and my aunt from colorado's visit----i could not stop staring at my aunt bea, as she is so much like her big sis, my mom-----she and i share a couple of things--she is the third girl and she also had 8 kids---


friday night we had the coffee house---it was pretty cool---i had a friend from high school come by the coffee house---he is a pastor in california---it was so nice to catch up with him a bit and it also seems, my pastor and his wife had many mutual connections with my friend tom------i think tom also enjoyed the music--

we had planned to have a young man from nashville perform---but at the last minute, he had a problem and was unable to come----we were blessed to get someone that had played with us before---he is so good---he has played all around the richmond area-------he plays a lot of old stuff----way before his time---robyn's bf brought his guitars too and played with him---they were really in tune with one another, as dillon(the bf) is also an old soul ----

another kid---rapped a commentary of life to one of their selections---good creative flowing night--

yesterday, frank and i went to williamsburg va. to see my aunt--she is on hospice and from what i could tell, is in the last few days---i think it will be in the next couple of weeks, no longer, from what i know of death---i told frank, i wouldn't be surprised if she was waiting for her wedding anniversary october the 11th---and how strange that would be, since my mom died on her anniversary----

i told aunt alice i would see her on the other side and related to her, memories of all the many happy times at her house and my grandmother "queenie's"---where we sat on the porch---talked and fanned and played softball in the field and watched uncle elwin do show and tell at christmas time---of all the gifts under their tree and who had given them what----i told her elwin was waiting and her mother and father, queenie, her baby brother and many others---she seemed to be aware, somewhere in that weakened form of the body she once had----i cried and frank read the bible---she didn't know much, but one time when frank had stopped reading, she muttered, "read that little song book"---frank read again from the Psalms--

so a weekend full of family -old friends and life and lives probably ending-----we missed all of the grand-kids football games, but the Good Lord willing, there will be others--

i catch myself

i catch myself  looking at you--like i have never seen you-

you fold your arms and slowly close your eyes---i tip toe out of the room-

your words echo in my heart and mind and i find i am alone with my thoughts-

the window twinkles with the bright afternoon sun---i wave a fly away, but never think of killing it---no i just let it be-

as i do with you, as you do with me---and there is peace in this knowledge--if not a constant--close enough--

i catch myself staring your way and you wake up, telling me you were never asleep---i remember i know you, i remember i love you-

being honest--just a little

good monday morning blogging friends and others that might occasionally take a peek at this blog----

i am feeling the need or urge to write today-----funny, i was just telling frank that i was giving up my blog---

i really didn't know exactly why i was thinking this way, but it seemed to make sense---kinda like that one change thingy-----but here i am-----

unlike most of you or lots of you--i am the lazy writer----i would so enjoy being able to make money at this thing i do---but i am not willing to work for it----

my passion for writing comes and it goes----and from all the published writers out there, it sounds like it is agony to try to make it in the writing world----

i do toy with the idea of writing a new poetry collection---but someone will have to "discover" me haha-



well enough about that---i planned to write today about what i have observed and or learned about life and people and myself, the last couple of days--

okay i will jump in now-----oh and by the way, i am always happy to have comments---but i must tell you that i am not writing this today, to have anyone argue with me------not that i have had anyone do that yet---but then again, i don't usually talk very honestly about my opinion and such---

i think more people are cruel and judgemental (i know, i am judging here)----and truly mean spirited----i think the loving caring people are rarer than i once thought----bloggers must have the nice gene, by the way---

i have once again confirmed that buying things for other people and cooking, for them is one of the things i enjoy most in life----i have a deep desire to pray for people too--but i do not enjoy this, because it is so hard------

-----the older i get, the more i miss being young----i can sit and do nothing, a lot easier, except when i am in church----let me explain--

i do not know what it is---it has nothing to do with the service or the preacher, the choir or anything but me-------i guess that is one of the reasons i did children's church so long----when i am at church, i am better, if i am running around doing something------i loved to do the goody bags and "think" of the craft stuff---i could never implement the craft---just an idea person---

but i don't want to do children's church any longer----i don't think-------okay back to life and other people

great things can come along sooner----waaaaay sooner than you think-----something you thought would be looooong down the road, can sneak up on ya and shock your heart back into rythmn--

okay people----hmmmm, i was pretty hard on them back up there, wasn't i----wish i could tell ya i didn't mean it---but, if you ever experience something in life, something that is life crushing---you will see how many can hang with ya---yeah there may be lots flocking in the beginning---but we humans move on when it gets just too darn hard---

life is not easy, people cannot be expected to understand, and i won't always be writing this blog or writing period------one day i won't give a fig about what's for dinner----but for today, i am once again struggling with whether to have tater tots or fries---

i had a terrible time deciding what to call this post

monday monday---hmmmmm---but here i am, writing cause i feel like it---

i just finished making mexican spaghetti---not too sure if i think it has enough flavor--or cheese---i don't think it can ever have the right amount of cheese for me-----

i still struggle with the love of cooking and the crazy part i have shared with you all---at least i haven't had any dreams that ended up on paula deen's show, in a while-------

sometimes i wonder if i have a form of ocd----not to minimize those who suffer dearly with it---but i think i have some sort of issue with choices---

which leads me to share something i heard on the "today" show this morning----in a segment about inspiring seniors--this one man said that "it is better to be decisive than right"----boy that rang true to me----i  immediately called frank to share this new treasured insight---

i mean if ya keep waiting and deliberating too long, sometimes the option or decision is no longer there or relevant-----sometimes we just have to pray--wait a bit---and make up our freaking minds----

life is so full of choices that don't seem to matter and maybe some of them don't---but i don't believe we are gonna get zapped if we choose the wrong door once in a while---

anyway--i thought it was a great idea---and i am going with it---and it's funny, except for the grocery, menu, and cooking thing, i am pretty decisive---probably more than the average person----and yeah lots of not so wonderful turns occasionally----

the other piece of advice on the show today was--"to change one thing"---i thought it was a great theory---

so i changed a couple of things this morning----i made mexican spaghetti instead of regular and i didn't label in my mind each piece of clothing as i did the laundry----if you are not a usual reader of my blog, you may not get some of this stuff---hmmmm  i don't know, i know it was on one of the a-z blogs, where i stupidly admit my idiosyncrasies a bit-----

i am gonna change it up a tad also today and end with a piece of my own original advice----always buy more cheese than you think you will need and never buy cheap aluminum foil--

that day

the sun came streaking in, blinding my eyes for a brief moment---long enough to make me wonder at the day--

what would this one hold, how would it prove to be different from any other day i had lived or if it would be--

i stumbled up and out of the compfy place of non-resistance and dream filled hours---

what would be required of me this day---i knew better to ask that dangerous inquiry----but my hand flew up none the less-----no answer was given--

i muttered through each passing detail---and managed to reach the end of day's light---

i opened the book to the last read page---i stared at it as though i had never even taken in a sentence---

i waited---then it stood before me----there was my reason, my purpose, my one thing that was asked of me that day--

how i could have missed it---if only but for a minute's delay or change of wind---

i asked myself, why i could not see---could not see what was before me---whether blinded by sunlight or hidden in darkness----it is only in the brilliance of His time, will my eyes reflect the vision---

the mini vacation--re-post from 2009 just because i was thinking of this time

i hope ya missed me yesterday--we went away saturday and came back sunday--thought i would write something yesterday morning before we left--but sometimes ,good intentions----

we went to a place we've gone before, just a little town near us-- it has a really historic downtown shopping district--pretty quaint

we decided we would just try and relax,and we did

there's a small beach area near by --we rode there and had lunch at this place we had been to before -- it has a beautiful view - overlooking the water. we remembered the food wasn't too good but the view was worth it --this time the food was great although the prices had gone up !

we stayed at the same hotel we always stay-- if we go back , i think we'll try a new place-we probably won't go back anytime soon , to spend the night, but might go back at Christmas time as the downtown is so beautiful then.

we ate dinner at a nearby mexican place-- think i've had my fill of mexican for a long while--their food was so bland--i asked for some sauce --the waitress didn't seem to understand me -- i said -ya know like ah taco bell--she brought me something--didn't help much---i saw waiters serving this large dish of ice-cream to people around us-- i told my husband we should order that --like how much could ya mess up ice-cream--seems like the dish i was seeing was a taco salad-- didn't order it.

we really didn't do much but there were moments, i know will become fond memories---riding into the town-early afternoon- raining hard, the lights that you see only at night on and sparkling-- . my daughter says - ya know , there's something so neat about this -the rain the Christmas lights (she calls them) and michael feinstien playing--told ya she was an old soul.

plan to take more of these mini vacations, for after all how many years will i be able to ride around taking life as it comes -- singing with my husband and daughter to james taylor and the jonas brothers---i know well it won't be long.

lately

well, let's see now---what do i have to share today----

i am going to be alone pretty much all day, as robyn and her bf are going on some sort of adventure/surprise to robyn today----they are so cute, yesterday was their first month anniversary, of officially dating :)

i really like him, as a matter of fact i kinda picked him out----really i should give God the credit, as i had done a lot of praying about the right one---and who knows, he seems to be---

last night we went to the funeral home, for a young man, whose father died---this young man has been like a member of our family for a long time-----many of my sons friends were there to support their friend---it still shocks me when i see some of them and hear them talking about how old they are all getting, who has gray hair and how many children they each have---but it's so nice that these boys are still close and bonded for life--

years ago, i had planned to do a documentary on this group of boys in our neighborhood and quite a few others---they had named themselves, the "fernbrook crew"--after our neighborhood's name-----they were not a gang, just a close bunch of kids, hanging out---getting into the occasional trouble, but mostly just growing up and "chilling"-------i never did the documentary and sometimes still think about doing one----


lately, i feel at loose ends---sorta like i am watching life go by and being okay with it----i wait for the drive to do something and it just does not come----i say to myself---i'm fine, but then i feel like i shouldn't be--ya know what i mean------it's kinda like that january poem i wrote--you may remember, the one where i write about, wanting to sleep and eat waffles-----

but in reality, i think i am nesting----not for a baby----that would have gotten your attention---but for robyn and all of her life plans-hopes- and daydreams and love life------

sometimes as a parent, that is what your focus is on----------and my other children of course---but it's like, i have the last little birdie, i have to get ready to fly away---

so i leave you now with a thought that has been rolling around in this almost post summer brain of mine----have you ever tried frozen waffles and how do you think they compare with homemade-

school daze (re-post from september 4th 2009)

as the school year is set to begin next week - i find myself thinking about things that have happened to my kids at school through the years--i am also thinking a lot about my grandchildren - and hoping this year will be a great school year for all of them--only 2 won't be going to school, and 2 of my grand-daughters will be going for the first time!

i start with a preschool memory--my second born son was in his second year of preschool--he was already having somewhat of a hard time since his little sister was in and out of the hospital a lot that year--one day my husband called me on the way home from work--he had stopped at the store and was calling to see what i needed--i told him and then inquired how was my son he was suppose to pick up from preschool--he said gotta go, and i knew what had happened--frank said when he got to the school, all the other children had gone - there was our son sitting on the floor playing- he looked at his dad and said -oh hi dad, i was worried about you--i was so mad at my husband!

i jump ahead quite a few years to my first born son's junior year--he had a problem with one of his teachers- it was the first week of school --believe me i didn't usually call the school and complain,but this time i did--well the next afternoon my second son comes home from school -running in the house before his brother could get to me-- he lets me know i will be getting a call from their principal concerning his brother of course ( why else would he have been so eager to let me know) --i decide i'm gonna be pro-active - i call the school and get the principal--i tell him what my son said- that i should be expecting a call--he says-- oh yes mrs. proctor, i was going to call you - it seems that your son, was found "gatoring" on a table in the "commons" in a bra and skirt-i didn't know what to say to that, i asked - just a bra and skirt--oh no it was over his clothes--thank God for that--i ask him what is "gatoring"(bad question)--he says mrs. proctor ,have you ever seen "animal house"--no i say- highly indignant! fully humiliated- i say to him--isn't it funny that i call you yesterday and complain about something and today you just HAPPEN to find MY son doing this !! --he says ma mm i had no idea who your son was until i found him "gatoring on the table in a bra and skirt--uh huh i say and hang up--a little side line to this - the teacher that i had called to complain about in the first place , turned out to be my son's favorite teacher and a wonderful mentor--the moral --wait wait wait before you call any school and complain about anything your teenager tells you--you never know if they have a bra and skirt in their backpack-

the lock-in

good tuesday morning everyone----i thought i would share a little about my last weekend---not my last weekend, as far as i know but last weekend haha---see--this is why i am not a proffessional writer :)

the youth had their end of summer "lock-in" this past friday night---we had six youth---they really had fun---two of the youth were visitors----even at that, it amazed me how these lock-ins, bond these kids so quickly----

our pastor's wife and youth leader, ms. cindy, had told them they had to have lights out at 1am------i was sleeping with one eye open, as a couple of the girls were sneaking out into the hall, every time i nodded off-----

the girls slept in the youth room---the same room we hold our coffee house in----since the ac is messed up on one side of the floor, the boys had permission from "pastor bob" to sleep in his office-----now that's a cool pastor, right-----

he might not have liked how they were all about his big table, but all in all they were very good at keeping the nice room in tact------

after the lights out call and many hours of putting everyone back to bed, over and over---they all appeared to be asleep-----that was when it hit me---i had to scare them---hehehehe

i walked down to the boys room--frank was also in there and pretty much slept through it all-----i started scratching on the cloudy glass window panes to their room----i could hear them asking "what in the world is that"---"i'm not looking, you look"----i was finally discovered---so off to bed again------

but i still had another plan----isn't that what i am suppose to do---it's no fun if you can't scare the dickens out of one, is it---------

they were all asleep again----i crept down the hall and enter the dark and creepy empty of people room and hid behind the copy machine---this made them unable to see me, if they dared to exit their room and venture into the desolate dark dark hallway-----

i rapped on the wall ---sorta in a weird pattern---i could hear the boys and frank----"oh my gosh, what is that"----now they were up and coaxing one another to enter the horrid hallway-----i held my place---covering my mouth as they roamed up and down-----now the girls and ms. cindy were awake too-----

i got tired of crouching behind the printer-----they were not about to enter that room---so i guess they didn't think i would have either-----i exit, laughing so hard, i could hardly breath----they shook their heads in disbelief----remember a couple of them don't really know me yet-----

now it was around 4:30-----we all go back to bed----oh i forgot to tell ya---guess who slept through it all, robyn----

at a little before 5:30, the boys enter our room, turning on the lights-----ms. cindy and i decide, we might as well get up-------

thank goodness for a rainy day on saturday, where, we all caught up on our sleep a bit--

yeah i guess i still got it if i can out stay those kids--------but i bet they weren't sick the rest of the weekend----oh well ya gotta have your fun while ya can :)

robyn wants everyone to know douglas was worse and she has the video she's keeping for one day when he's running for public office:)

if only

You looked at me and saw my need, not what i was all about or seemed to be---you welcomed me into your arms of love and taught me how to love in part-----never coming to the end of it-

i wonder as i rest in you, just how this all began, and know the answers are not there for me now or even have to be

the storm is raging as i lie beneath the pelting rain and i hear your voice speak softly to me--and i am once again comforted--

to kneel beside me only breaths away, i sometimes forget you are there---but it doesn't change, simply because i doubt--or look away--

Holy One of mysteries deep, teach me how to live---like i could ride with you on your wings of love and never even have to hold on--

it's a girl

well it's over, it came and went-----

and i did not devulge the sex of the baby to my friend--not even to the baby's grandfather when he dropped by to leave the huge gift he had-- not even when he graciously gave me money to help with the shower--i took the much needed money haha but gave no baby info----not that he wasn't good at trying to make me slip up---i have known this man for over 35 years, and i think he talked to me more in that visit than in all of those years-


i think the shower turned out nice--i hope so-----i thought everything was pretty set in my mind as to what i was going to serve and so on----until

i started looking on google and youtube at actual showers---i was freaking----i  had to do more more more---

remember i told you about my sorta obsessive nature when it comes to entertaining----it came out big time--

but like i said--all in all i am happy with the way it went-----

the morning of the shower i was busy skewering cheese and veggies and thawing shrimp, when my friend calls me--the grand-mom to the baby to be-----well she wants to tell me something----i had frank answer her call and told him to just get her to tell him what she wanted---

she insists she has some news to tell me and wants to know if i have been on facebook yet---oh yeah--that's the first thing i did this morning, in between the stuffing and the chopping and assembling of tables-----i scream so she can hear---"i gotta talk to you later"------when she arrives at the shower, she proceeds to tell me how surprised she is at how i was yelling at frank--

first of all--her memory must have gone, because i tell  her i have yelled at frank many times in her presense---but i don't have time to tell her right then, that hey, i wasn't yelling at frank, i was yelling at you!

but the thing that really got me--when she arrives, frank is outside directing traffic and parking cars---(trying to look good)-----he tells me later that my friend runs up to him and says "frank, i can't believe how lynn was yelling at you, i have never heard her like that"-----okay, that's not a problem---

but you know what his answer to her was----"oh lynn gets like this all the time, she gets really stressed out"----doesn't even tell her, that i was only yelling so she could hear me-----sometimes, i just don't know about frank-----he didn't know why this should have bothered me-----although, when he reads this blog, he will sulk like a baby--------

always hard to write and keep it real-----

mom

okay so i have been feeling the pull to write for the last day or two---

today it is one year since my mom passed away and is also my parents' wedding anniversary--

last year just a week or so before she died, i was still planning an anniversary reception for my parents at our church----i had even ordered the cake, which was going to be kinda like a wedding cake---

when i started my blogging, i also started the awful thing of writing on each child's birthday and grand-child--also the death dates of my little angels----at one point i vowed to stop this painful, hard to keep up with idea-----but today i am breaking my rule and writing about my mom---

lately as you have read, i have opened myself up a little more, something i don't mind doing now and then but i don't want to always have my blog about me and my trials and tribulations---so i will share some of the things i remember about mom---trying to keep them light----because, she was very very private and reserved--

it is hard to pin point one or two memories about my mother--i mean it was more that she was just there---i always knew i could talk to her about anything and even if she thought i was completely wrong, she was still on my side------

she was about the under-dog and showed great patience with people's faults, especially boys and men----to be truthful, she kinda thought women were out to get men----haha

i remember how she sang--at church and around the house, how she would shuffle her feet around and try to sound bluesy as she belted out certain classics---

i so fondly remember when i was a teenager, coming home almost every other day to find some darling out-fit for me----she loved to buy clothes for me---she was over weight most of her adult life and i think she got a kick out of dressing me instead of the dreaded shopping for clothes trips for herself-----i so understand that now that i am not the cutesy tiny thing i once was haha---i have told robyn that she is my doll i am dressing---kinda like paper dolls---

a memory that is so vivid to me was no big deal really---when mcdonald's first came out with the chef salads, my mom and i stopped to get one---we ate it in the car---i can still see her as she ate her's and hear her saying "these are the best things"-----we ate in the car a lot as kids, it was the thing to do---my dad was just relating yesterday, how my mother would dress us up like we were going to church, just to go to the "hot shoppe" or "shoney's" only to sit at the curb service ----i am sure that is why i have always been fond of eating in the car, which took a long time for frank to tolerate---

i may have shared this with you before--but i guess i would have to say, one of my best days as a child--when my mom was the best and coolest mom in the neighborhood---it was when she gave a full blown birthday party for my troll doll---cook-out, and movies for all my friends with their troll doll too---

we all miss mom so much, and can still hear her saying some of the things she was noted for saying----so thanks mom--anytime i feel inadequate or scared, i will think of your great words of wisdom--"it's good enough for those people" and "that's nice but don't get me anything like that"

lastly i leave you with the last song my mom and i sang together---it's a little twist on her woman blaming :)

                

a heavy heart

i have been avoiding writing this week----

something and someone has been heavy on my heart and mind----i will not share the particulars here---but i may share some of the feelings---

i wanted to keep my blog light, but life isn't always light, so unless i wait it out, i would not be writing for a while---

i have told you before that i believe in miracles--and i believe we are all given a purpose in being on this planet---sometimes that faith gets a little challenged, but stronger--

moms are a unique breed, we bleed not only when our kids are hurting but when others children are hurting as well---

i continue to write this blog, with no idea of what to say--maybe you are thinking, well why don't you just not write---maybe i shouldn't--

one thing i can say, is i have felt the presence of the Holy Spirit, most when in the deepest darkness and despair----i have known the comfort of His standing in front of me, lighting the way---even if i do not see the light, i know He is light, and in Him is no darkness--

i rejoice with those that rejoice, and i am to suffer with those who suffer----i simply want to do more--

sometimes we cannot understand, more times than not, we do not see the reasons, but we trust, that "nothing can separate us from the love that is in Christ Jesus"---

i only really know that the heart is a living breathing organ, capable of joy, peace, and utter pain----

our hope is in His hands and in His time-----my prayer is for in our weakness, we will be strong and in our darkness we will know that the light surrounds us and shines on us and through us---that He is the "author and finisher of our faith"---and when we see what He sees it will be knowledge--so until then we hope--

love today

love someone today that needs it--touch someone today and let them know you are there

call that someone you've been meaning to, pray for that person that's been on your mind--

you will never regret one word spoken in love or comfort--

give and give until you can't----always always forgive, as your heavenly Father forgives you--

do not take any mercy for granted--or think that your mercy is wasted--no your mercy is like an ointment for your soul----you give it out of compassion, but it heals you--

love today, love tomorrow and live as though your next breath is a precious jewel---

unconditional love is all that matters in the end and our hearts can never truly mend until we do-

autumn shadows

good monday morning, i am kinda enjoying a cup of coffee with irish cream in it--but the creamer doesn't have much flavor----i think i will get the cinnamon one again soon-----

i hope you all had a good weekend---i hope ya did something you liked to do and not just work, unless that is what you wanted to do---

yesterday afternoon we went for a ride---i kept feeling kinda restless and content at the same time----it was a beautiful sunny day, but i told frank, the shadows of the sun were more like fall days---

i love fall---i get tired of summer right after the 4th of july ----recently i have remarked how it even feels Christmasy to me some days-----

i tell myself to not rush summer along, to let it linger and caress me-----i think i could do that better at the beach--

but i have always been this way, feeling the seasons before they are here and missing the previous one when the new one truly begins, even if only a little-----

it is coming up on the anniversary of my mother's death------even as my mother lay dying last august, i knew, that this was a beautiful time in our family's life-----it is a gift when a love one passes with their family around and has the time to talk and laugh and regret and cry unashamed---for few are the times we let this happen----

life is full of paradoxes and mysteries and true beauty comes in many forms and experiences--

yesterday i felt the nudging that something should happen, that life had something golden, just ahead of the bend----that all my good days were not over and all of my hopes and dreams were not as finite as i may have once thought in my younger days--

something told me as i saw autumn in the glow of the trees, that my spirit would soar once more, and i might even touch a miracle or two---

or relish the feelings of uncertainty with hope and wonder as never before---

friday--ketchup

okay, it's friday and i think i have only posted once this week so i thought i would sit here and see where my fingers took me---

this week---sick---okay now---don't worry i am not going to complain on this post---at least that is not my plan at this point in the blog---

robyn is getting ready for a day with a friend---he has some sort of surprise for her and i think they may be going to the "historical society" so it should be a nice day for them----

i plan to read--catch up on my blog and friends---and look and see if i have any cards to make out for several people that have been on my mind and heart----

i like to send cards and especially like looking for them---and sometimes buying a box of blank cards-----my grandmother (queenie) used to remember everyone's birthday and always sent a card, always including a bible verse-----for a while i did the same thing---but got out of the habit of doing it---hmmmm i may start again--

i think part of the reason i stopped putting the verses with it, is because, when i did, i would put a verse, that i felt was speaking to me for them---but then i was too aware of what they might think i was trying to say to them--hahaha---the things and thoughts that hinder us---always there huh--

another kinda busy weekend---tomorrow morning, robyn and a friend are giving free ballroom classes at our church---i hope they have someone come----if it goes well, she wants to do it more often--she is targeting it to the older people at church----robyn has a very soft spot and interest in older people---

after the class, she and her friend have the last class at their ballroom in the "west coast" swing---then they are on to "hustle"---robyn loves the hustle and wanted to teach it at church--i told her to not lead with that one-----tomorrow's church lessons are tango and foxtrot-----

i am hoping and praying i can find somewhere for robyn to take some more dance classes this fall--she is getting an interest back in jazz and maybe ballet----

i am watching some of my grand-kids tomorrow afternoon----last weekend i bought a tent with a tube attached--so i am thinking the younger ones are going to enjoy it---i'm gonna set it up in the house---they are always wanting to make a tent of the chairs, sofa etc.-----ha, they might not like one that is so realistic :)

frank is teaching Sunday school class again this week as our friend and teacher is away----i know frank is enjoying teaching recently--and has been using that book i was telling y'all about--"destined to reign"--by joseph prince----

oh and something silly that i got excited about---i just saw where "glade" has put out a peach plug in---two problems, other than they are a little too high for me in price----why didn't they put this out in may or june, after all it is a summer fragrance and why isn't it even in the stores----i am already burning my spicy fall candles----as i screamed to tell robyn when i saw the commercial for the new plug in robyn laughingly scolded, "mom, you realize you are like the grand-kids when they see toy commercials"----so

sometimes

i want to smile and say i'm great couldn't be better----i believe the healing power, i believe the awesome wonders----

i want to go and go and not get tired----i understand the fleeting moments--i care about the rose not smelled--

sometimes i flinch when i realize the passing of time and faces and things---and shutter to know that the images fade and life's changes can sometimes bring confusion

i look at the sun as it streams through my curtains and wonder why i don't see it through the clouds, it's still there

i wish i could take in the brightness and hold it there, to comfort me in the not so illuminated ones---

or be like a bouncy cloud that dips and reforms-----

i stretch and i hold out my finger tips and something pushes back and i know that all is well-

to bleach or not to bleach

i think i might be becoming a little boring--but i don't really care haha--my fb status was just about whether one uses bleach or comet to clean their toilets----i always use one or the other but can't decide which one is doing a better job--

it is kinda strange how i am all about cleaning products and methods, when cleaning is one of my least favorite things to spend time doing------

i won't spend much either on cleaning products--now if i had plenty of disposable income, i would--i would probably be a sucker for any and all new products that claim they are the latest thing and get the job done better and faster---

i, like a lot of people are always looking for a faster way to do things---especially things i dislike doing---

i just got back from the grocery store ---the manager is always very friendly and talkative to robyn and me ---today he was checking people out---i went in his line, but the line next to me opened up so i moved over to that checker-----the manager said in a kidding voice--"i can't believe you did that"----i told him speed trumped everything when it came to grocery shopping----i simply hate grocery shopping!!--

i think my loathing for the grocery stems from a bad experience i had as a child---i may have shared it already--but quickly, it was when i got stuck behind the grocery cart and thought my mother was going to leave me in the line----and the lady checking us out, said what a bad girl i was, to cry like i did---stupid lady---

the other time was when i was about 23 or so----i always did the grocery shopping for frank and myself----the day was no different than any other weekly shopping trip----the store was very near my house and near my mom and sister too---i was meeting them there-----i arrive in the parking lot and look around, i don't see my mom's car anywhere, so i sit in my car waiting-----suddenly i feel light headed and my heart is beating  like crazy-------

i run into the store and tell them, to please call me an ambulance because i for sure am having a heart attack----my mom and sister come in to find me on the floor and people all around me------make a long story short, i am taken to the hospital---and that began weeks of test upon test, only to find out i have an extremely fast heart rate and most likely panic attacks----

wow i am sharing way too much of myself these days, huh------but i think all of that has something to do with my detesting to grocery shop----

so i like a fast cleanser a fast trip to the grocery store and anything else that i don't enjoy, i like to do it with the utmost speed-------just popping by to share a bit with all of you today and btw, my leg is doing pretty good--thanks for all of the nice comments:)

the bath mat

i hit my leg this morning on the side of the tub---i was stepping in and the mat slipped, sending my leg that was outside of the tub, into the side of the hard plastic---you wouldn't think it would have hurt so much--but it did---it made a loud enough noise, that it sent robyn running in to check on me-------i have quite a knot and bruise---but i think i will make it---

the only reason it freaks me out just a little, is because it is the leg i have had a "dvt" in before---

the only other time i have hurt that leg since the dvt was when my son's doggy pulled me down the front steps while i was holding her leash---landing me onto the ground and slates-----i had a huge knee for a while but managed to be okay----

i had my dvt back in '91 a couple of weeks after my son carter was born----they say it was from the c-section--that it is always a chance of having a blood clot after any surgery-----

i remember the night i discovered something was wrong with my leg----as i went to go up the stairs to bed--i realized my right leg was hardly working and my knee was hurting-----it was feburary and i had jogging pants on---as i sat on the side of my bed i could barely get the pants leg off---then is when i saw how big my leg was--it had to be three times the size of the other leg----

i stayed in the hospital for a week----they said i was lucky i didn't lose my leg and that the majority of people never have any symptons until it is too late-----

i will never forget how hard it was to miss my kids, especially my newborn ----it was an awful time in my life----my daughter eden had just passed away a little over two weeks before my son carter was born-----

i didn't really plan for this blog to take this path today----

i guess my nasty bump and bruise just brought all the memories and fears of  some very dark days in my past----

i am going to get a new bath mat later today--

"give me a head of hair, long beautiful hair"

something told me i should write about hair today----

robyn just finished touching up my roots with my rich brown color---she does this for me every few weeks---it's not that the color washes out but how fast my roots grow--

over the years i have had mainly long hair---but a few styles that i remember very well--

for those of you who are old enough or like to watch old movies----remember barbra streisand's curly short cut in the late seventies----she had it that way in "a star is born"---by the way--i adored this remake and especially because one of the hottest actors and singers around was her co-star---kris kristofferson-----his hair was longer than hers, i think----

anyway i loved her and had been told through the years how i resembled her---so i had to try the new look---

i think i was in the salon or "beauty parlor" as we called it back then---for at least 5 hours---the style did not look good on me at all and besides that, she had burnt my hair---i ended up going to a beauty school (i had used almost all my money on the high end salon) and had them take the perm out and---they ended up having to cut my hair really short----

back when wigs were the thing to do, i wore a short blonde curly one with a thick scarf tied around it---that was in the summer when i was about 16---i was visiting my sister in biloxi miss and wore it much of the time, it worked out well, with all the humidity, i couldn't do anything with my hair anyway---

i have had red hair----orange hair---blonde and low lights----and just about every shade of browns and blacks there are-----

in my senior year of high school, i did something really brave---i cut my hip length hair to a short shag style--it was just a few weeks before graduation---there is a picture of me in the yearbook, frowning about how the cap for the ceremony, made my new hair stick out--

for the most part, frank cuts and styles my hair---he hates to, but loves the price---he really is pretty good at it---i have even cut my own a couple of times---and it wasn't bad---as a matter of fact i am toying right now with the idea of cutting mine----

speaking of frank---he is very adventurous with his own hair---i will never forget----one saturday night he asked me if i thought he should color his hair a new shade---his hair was sorta brownish blonde at the time----the next day was our church Easter play---i was the director and he was my "gofer"---so i asked him not to do it until maybe the next week----remember i told ya how frank is a little strong-willed----well

i had gone to bed---he comes out of the shower waking me up---he asked--"is this a little bright"----i kid you not, his hair was glowing---i mean he looked like bozo the clown---

i had to pray the next day for God to forgive me for wanting to kill frank while trying to direct the Easter play--

                                        

                                      

goodwill hunting ( i just made that up too:)

i just got back from a trip to the "goodwill" store----i have stuff i need to take up there later this week to donate---

i don't usually buy much from there--except for books and the occasional tea-cup---once in a while, robyn will look for a vintage piece of clothing, for her fashion blog she does----she hasn't been keeping up with it of late, so today she was on the prowl for the perfect fashion statement---

she found a couple of really cute sweaters and a beautiful evening gown----she paid for it and it all came to $14!

i also found a messenger bag for frank---i had thought of getting him one on father's day and then his birthday---but everywhere i looked, that i thought would have them, didn't---so today i saw a "perry ellis" bag for $5---i think it is a little dated but, hey when i googled older bags, they go for a lot more than new ones----now if i can get him to throw out his horrible bag he carries now--

his birthday yesterday went well--he had a lot of people text him and call, wishing him a happy birthday---
i told him next year we are doing his celebration on his actual day----this year, poor robyn ended up making him 3 cakes (remember the cherry cake mistake--so had to use the favorite carrot cake)-----it's all good, i guess he is worth it----but kids ya better start clearing your calendars for next year------turns out, they all could have made it last night anyway----

i invited my dad last week and last night--but he wasn't feeling like coming out-----he's doing fairly well, but i think it is hitting him, that it will soon be a year since mom passed away----

since i wrote about my darling mannequin boy, i have taken a picture of him, which i will post here---

oh and any of you, looking to find something very inexpensive for young kids to do, even inside----on frank's birthday thing---i bought a few toys for the grand-kids to share and play with while they were here-----the biggest hit (and next time i will get at least 4) was a plastic fishing pole with a few sea creatures to catch---i will post the pic for ya----

oh btw--the tire was able to be plugged, which has kinda freaked me out even more---but frank is a teeny bit stubborn so i think i will have to deal with it- unless i wanna sneak and take it in myself---everyone including my dad, who was the owner of his own gas station and a mechanic for years---says plugging, even from the outside is just fine------but i am not so sure my dad's blessing is much of a comfort as he did wonderful work for his clients, but mom always complained how he fixed our cars with duct tape and coat-hangers----ewwwww i think i might have married my dad----

well i wanted robyn to try on her dress and let you guys see it, but she won't--i think she is saving it for her fashion blog---------

totally random---but robyn thinks she and i should go take a pottery class-----she says to me today--and i quote--"hey mom, what if you and i become all artsy"--------gotta love her