on an unlikely december day

okay it's about ten at night my way---which is kinda unusual for me to write now and sometimes if the feeling hits me to write at night, it can prove to be not such a good idea

but tomorrow will probably be a day i don't find the time to write----so---i will try to expel what is in my brain and on my heart----it is going to be hard and maybe kinda vague so hang in there if you will and listen with one hand over your eyes, you know when you just can't watch it all----it's just that i hardly ever go here or there and as i write this lengthy intro----i realize, i will likely end up in prose----as an attempt to hide once again from the hard parts of life-----

unable to see, she stared straight through----through to the uneven levels of purpose her mind had taken
she understood little but felt each touch immensely and not only that, she counted them

she wanted nothing more nor nothing less---in fact she didn't even know what it was to want or to linger in one's subconscious or so it was that people liked to think this of her---

the world around her tossed and turned and beckoned everyone to come to the party to get all you could out of this momentary journey---still she watched and she watched until she could only close her eyes in wonder


this is dedicated to one of my angels

hits and misses of the big turkey day

i trust everyone had a good thanksgiving and if not well it is over---

thought i would share a little cooking stuff with ya this black friday morning--you know i have never shopped on black friday----not missing it, i don't think

this year i tried a couple of different things with my regular dishes---

everyone seemed to enjoy my candied sweet potatoes--frank was inquiring why they were unusually good---this year i added a lot of salt (i know) and pepper--maybe more pepper than anything---i think it enhanced the flavor--

i always think i need to add another side dish and tend to over-do---but hey, that's me-----i took frozen carrots and well, i pretty much ruined them----i went a little too adventurous with them, adding thyme, rosemary---and of all things, don't ask me why---lime vinaigrette--boy a little of that goes a long long way and it is not much you can do to over-power it---and believe me i tried-----

now the peas, i liked, i added mint to them---just a hint---

okay, i am gonna confess, this year i had instant mashed potatoes---but i thought they rivaled homemade---i added sour cream---more milk than it called for---lots of butter and again an abundance of pepper-

i last minute decided to make--paula deen's corn-bread--kinda like pudding thing---i am not sure what was wrong with it this year---it was good, but maybe i over-cooked it---if you haven't tried that one, it is well worth a shot-

okay another confession---i used dry package gravy mix---added turkey drippings and mashed potatoes to thicken---everyone came back again and again for it---

we were heavy on the desserts this year---bought some pies---apple, pumpkin and sweet potato and my sweet baker neighbor brought over her "chocolate mud" pie----robyn once again made her delicious ooey gooey pumpkin cake--another master pieces of paula----and this year i tried the peach "dump" cake---which i am renaming a peach "cobbler"----loved it and so so very easy---

another confession---hmmm that's three, if you are counting---i saw one of my friend's pictures on facebook, and she was holding a giant collard green---so i just had to have some greens--okay they were canned---but next year, i am cooking them the day before--fresh                                                                                           
all in all everything turned out well--

oh i almost forgot---tired of that "green bean casserole"----i made up a california  vegetable casserole, which i will surely make again-----

got any hits and misses you care to share-----happy thanksgiving weekend friends

hmmmmm what did i tell ya

well well what do you know---you say those ornaments could not be in that bedroom closet, dillon----

enters frank---who by the way had insisted he had placed said ornaments in the attic----still he gets the credit----yes, you have solved the mystery with me---there they were in the bedroom closet--

dillon was not amused at my gentle lecture----the one about, what did we learn from this----he still protests---i encourage-----no no dillon, if you glean something from the experience, then it was all worth it---he frowns----

i tell him, clearly the lesson is to always defer to his "mil" as i surely know best----he submits--on the outside--

you see, dillon is being broken in, relentlessly---i explain---this family does not let anything go---now wait---

it is all in good fun---i mean even if you mispronounce a word---no good proctor would dare pass up an opportunity to call you on it and laugh at you, like a hyena----too much you say----

it is our way of showing you are loved, you are one of us----we have you now and we will not let you go---

funny thing is--no one in the proctor family is really a good sport---except me----really it is true---and that is most likely because i have no proctor  blood---and the fact that my weaver family was nothing if they were not masters of the practical joke and devilishly torturing humor----

i mean to this day, i cannot walk down stairs in front of anyone---i might elaborate on another blog about my seriously demented childhood---haha just kidding--kinda

oh and you all might be happy to know, i am in the Christmas spirit today----no promises about tomorrow or thanksgiving day---all i can say for sure, is that i won't be sending frank to the great american buffet this year, as they have closed down---now that is a story worth blogging about----another day

i know it's there somewhere---just one more time, dillon

it seems i have so many contradictions in my personality that i maybe should try my hand at writing about my weird psyche

this week i have been decorating for Christmas---so far i have three trees up----my big pre-lit tree--the one i purchased after season a couple of years ago---i got it for a steal---but the first year i used it, part of the lights stopped working----then there is my smaller fiber optic  tree--it is the one, my son colin got for me, way back when they first came out----and robyn's white dance tree---

that dance tree, has led to my yearly hatred of decorating----all of her ballerinas are missing---we have looked for them--or should i say dillon has looked for them everywhere--well maybe not everywhere, since we have not found them as of this post-----

dillon has brought down ornaments i have not seen for years, though---and i have almost every nook and cranny hideously decorated for Christmas----

i insisted to everyone, that next year, God willing---will be different---no multiple trees---no tiny angels and santas and snowmen ---

there will be newly bought candles for the mantle---fresh from my woods greenery---one table top tree--probably my little tree from colin- a wreath on one door and t's santa----

i am becoming my mother with every passing Christmas season----it literally over-whelms me----

so i write today--to stay sane ---to liberate myself with confession----and to stop myself from asking dillon once again to look in the attic for the dance tree stuff

what was poppop thinking---this is a rhetorical question

as i was thinking about whether to blog or not to blog today--it dawned on me---hey---you don't have to worry about catching everyone up on your life--you don't have to be concerned that you leave something important out or tell something you shouldn't---no wait, that last part--still working on that----still not that free writer---

yes life has been busy of late---some news---two of the grand-kids that made it to the football play-offs-are out of the games now--and another grand-child has one more cheer comp. to go--so far she has won the other comps------i realize as frank and i experience these times with our grandchildren ---how lucky and blessed we are---to be around our grand-kids and to be needed at times-----i just sorta hope that some of the days will stick with them and they will look back one day and smile at a memory with nanny and poppop---

frank says, he knows one decision he made this past weekend, will become one of those remarkable memories-----my grandson had hurt his wrist at football practice---the play-off game would have him suited up but surely not playing------during his team's game---nanny took a little break---when the game was over--my grandson informed me, while beaming, that he played in the game after-all---it seems the coach had come over to poppop and asked if he could put him in the game--he would put him in a safe position---well frank says," i asked cadhan, do you want to play and he said he did"--so poppop said, okay---he was unhurt, even though he made a couple of tackles----

i let my grandson, know how "lucky" he was, that nanny was not around then, as i would have not let him play----he was very happy that i wasn't around

frank tells me later, it's like when our son colin went with frank to the circus----he runs in the door and exclaims---"mommy, daddy let me ride the elephant"--he wasn't suppose to tell me----frank says, cadhan will recall this day, just like colin does the elephant journey--

at my son's daughter's cheering comp.---we are relating the story of cadhan playing with the sprained wrist--and how i would not have allowed it----when, colin starts---"yeah, mom, if you had been around, i wouldn't have been on that elephant"---frank smiles

i do make one heck of a goody bag

i may be the worst nanny ever----

seriously, i don't believe that--but a couple of things have me questioning, just what is a good nanny--

i hear my other grandchildren laden friends, talk of trips with theirs, weeks of them staying with them---

now of course, i know that some of them--are dealing with grand-kids that don't live close by---

the other day, it happened again---i was standing in a check-out line, when one lady starts up a conversation---i am buying a couple of toys for two of my granddaughters----she tells me she has three grandchildren--tells me the sexes and the ages and then asks me would i like to see her pictures of them---i did-----they were very cute----good thing, she was so involved in hers, that she did not inquire to see mine---for if she had, i would have been forced to attempt to find them in my great abyss of a pocketbook--or shamefully had to admit, i did not carry any photos of my dear seven grandchildren---

then just yesterday--robyn and i were chatting about something, when she interrupts me---"mom, wasn't dannon's birthday yesterday"----i tell you, it was like someone hit me in the gut!

now in my defense, her party is to be held this coming saturday---and the actual day of her birth---had been rather a busy one---helping with my dad----and returning home, tired---asked robyn to make me some noodle soup--the kind you put in the micro-wave-----but you must put water in it---

spent the rest of the afternoon--with the fans, trying to blow the horrid smelly smoke out of the house---

back to the realization, that i had not called my little granddaughter nor put up my customary pic on fb of said child or written the birthday status----

i immediately called her----telling her i was sorry i had not talked to her on her day----and asking her did she know how much nanny loved her----she quickly said she did and preceded to excitedly tell me what her mommy and daddy had given her---i assured her i had lots of goodies, waiting for the party saturday-

if i don't rectify the situation of the missing grandchildren pictures, the next time some over zealous granny wants to show me hers---i will simply tell her that i must have left them in my other purse

a fall day and news

okay, so i am taking a little break in my day of baking for the church bake sale ---
our church had a yard sale/bake sale last week and it's on again for this saturday---

i am hearing that the cookies we sent last weekend didn't sell too well---i think the loaf cakes did---

today robyn  and i made pumpkin loaf---butter pecan applesauce muffins---chocolate hershey kisses cookies and cranberry dipped in white chocolate cookies---yesterday i made peanut butter chocolate balls----

i can really get into baking some times--especially if i have a helper or if i am the helper----today robyn and i did pretty well in sharing the work----and we had dillon to run to the store when necessary--

i don't know if i will attend the yard sale thing again this week though-----

if you are a long time follower, you may remember "big tommy" and how we were expecting him to be moved to a group home---well it has happened

we visited with him last saturday and probably will this saturday morning---

lots of mixed feelings about this change in his address----in the end, we didn't have much say in where he would be placed----but, you will not believe, how God has worked in this----although, it is not in the best part of our town----he is just down the street a bit from us---takes us like 8min instead of the 45-to an hour drive, where he has been all these years

he seems to be adjusting pretty well, but it is so strange to see him in a home with only a couple of other residents and having his own room----tommy has never had his own bedroom---really just a bed and a small chest for his things

thank you to all of you that have prayed about him or sent good thoughts our way---

it's raining here this week --the fall temperatures have finally kicked in--

the grand-kids football games go on and one car is bought and one more in need----

the days remind me---gather all you can out of this brief season and season of your life----buy all the candy and little joys, the grand-kids love---do it now, while they want them---buy those baby dolls, while they still play with them------and enjoy the days of baking and fighting in the kitchen with my daughter------

look out the window more often and notice those yellow and scarlet leaves---notice them before they are covered with the crispy brown ones-

just know, that life will change and places once familiar will fade away---but maybe the new ones, will have time to become a fondly remembered season

the purse

searching through her purse, she found it---shoot, it had melted---she pressed it into her mouth and thought about, how it's misshapen-ed  form, still tasted the same-

her life had become like this piece of candy---a little unrecognizable but sweet non the less-

was this the lesson she was to glean today---that although, we all change, there is still a deliciousness to life

no she assured herself, maybe more like---don't leave chocolate in your pocketbook--- and don't read too much into things

she reached in again to retrieve a tissue--but the damaged candy had completely changed it's use

don't read this kids

good morning blogging friends---once again i am feeling that nudge--okay, you all know how it is---it's more than a nudge---it's more like a constant nagging, to write---even though i don't think i have anything to say, or maybe it is more honest to say--nothing i can share---that stupid old dilemma i keep coming face to face with these days----oh to be a writer of pure fiction

i started hating hearing myself, ponder the idea of writing about my less than joyful looks at life these days--although, i have to say, they are very much alive and well---alas, i push on

frank is starting over again at a new company, as his place of work, was once again sold the other day--kinda saw it coming----yesterday, i felt like a mom, with her child on the first day of school----he didn't cry or have a potty accident---so he's off to a good start------

the newlyweds are doing well and busy planning for their futures----i look at them and marvel--all the dreams and daydreams-----it all seems a little familiar----

my boys lives are very busy too----kids in school----new york trips for some----football games for both families and car problems for some----uggghhhh why can't i win the lottery----

hey you know what, i am gonna share something personnal---heck, i am old enough to do that, right and i will try to be an equal opportunity sharer, okay kids (they don't read my blog anyway--oh wait, robyn might- i will go easy on her)

i don't know if i am a good mother to my boys, one hung up on me last night and the other one---well he "de-friended" me a few months ago on facebook-----they think i am kinda like the mom on  the show "everybody loves raymond"----no, all kidding aside, they love me and the reason they feel this way, is mainly my fault---my son that "de-friended" me actually did it for my own good---every time, he would post something, i was commenting and worrying ----but now, if i am bound and determined to see what he has been up to--i just go on robyn's---still have her password------and the one that hung up on me-----well i was whining about something and trying to fix a problem that is not mine to fix----although, i am "the car whisperer"-(that's another story)----hmmmm and what can i tell on robyn---she made smoothies last night and didn't share-----that little tidbit, will infuriate  her---should i omit it-----naaaa,-

well that felt amazingly liberating--

soups on

hey anyone up for another recipe, of sorts---

last week i found myself once again with nothing much in the house to prepare for dinner----that plain spaghetti with jar sauce, didn't sound good, again-

so i said, to myself--what about using those frozen soup vegetables in the freezer and go from there---

here is my creation

vegetable soup

1. one bag of mixed, corn, carrots, peas and green beans, frozen veggies---
2. the rest of the vegetable juice i had in the freg---probably 2 cups or so----and several cups of water
3. lots of seasoning--pepper salt lemon pepper sage garlic salt--all just to taste
4. 1 can of pinto beans--partially drained
5. 2 packages of lipton chicken noodle, dry soup mix-
6. oh i almost forgot--a steamer bag of summer mixed frozen veggies--i cooked them in their bag beforehand
7. okay this maybe a little confusing--you know those oodle of noodle soups--well this is the instant kind in the large package, with it's own dish---the teriyaki flavored--the flavoring packets and all
8. i think that was all---seems like there was something else
9. (anyone that read this before, i am remembering that something else haha----pulled chicken from hot wings-
conclusions

frank really liked it---
with any soup--the leftovers with the noodles, get too mushy for my taste--but was really good the first night
i would next time, add more corn---some butter and potatoes

all in all it was a keeper---happy cooking

watching the season enter

something keeps bugging me to write this morning----i haven't made up (except in my mind) any new recipes ---

the fall is coming strong our way----even though today and the next few days are promised to be more like summer---i feel the autumn winds and the autumn set of the afternoon sun-----

each season comes with excitement and dreams and memories----sometimes, i try and tell myself, to be careful not to let the past cloud my observation of life----you know what i mean?---

it's like when you go somewhere or have to do something that maybe you dread or fear the unknown---you can't help but have an expectation of what it will be like----at these moments i speak to me--"pretend you have no idea what this thing will be like--just go with it"----

and then there are certainly times when our remembrance can bring us comfort--and peace--as we look back on all that God has brought us through----the past is made perfect when we can see the pattern of our lives and not have too many regrets--

as i set my thoughts on the fall chill ahead and the cozy moments it all brings----i speak in whispers to my ever changing heart and say to it----don't worry, so much----yes, it's not true that most of what we worry about won't happen---but the comfort cannot be found before it's time---melt into this season, we are watching float past us---wrap the blanket of hope tightly around you and just be

cooking again

i pretty much promise, you, this is not going to turn into a food blog---

the other night, i was planning to make a baked spaghetti---as i didn't have enough ingredients and didn't want to have plain old noodles with jar sauce---i decided to get a little creative-

i started with frozen vegetables--broccoli, yellow squash and onion with green peppers---
i fried them in a good amount of vegetable oil---added lots of seasonings----lemon pepper, garlic salt, italian blend, and more salt and pepper---i was surprised, how fast this part was---turn the heat up high and be nearby---

while i did this, i boiled the spaghetti (thin) noodles---breaking them, three times-----

cooking them a shorter time-- since it would be cooking in the oven at 350 for about 45min.--cover with foil-

i took two cans (smaller size) cream of chicken soup--adding about a half of can of water----then i added a bag of shredded cheddar cheese-

this was not bad----if i made it again, i would change the following----add two large cans of soup--one cream of chicken, one cream of mushroom----i would add a whole big can of cream and half can of water---and i would add another half of bag of cheese and change it to a mixture of parmesan and mozzarella

add some garlic bread and a fruit based salad---for a quick and different take on spaghetti night 

is my life a metaphor for chili

told ya i would probably be blogging more after the wedding----

is chili a metaphor for my life--

it sounds good when i get up and am planning to make it----i think hey, this is gonna be spicy and different---
but alas, it is pretty edible, but does not live up to my hopes for it

did i do wrong, by omitting the orange juice or soda----would it have been a total loss without my last minute brilliance of sage-

and there it sits, left-over---how did that happen---there is never enough----does frank's unruly digestive system, explain this mind blowing occurrence--

is this all my life has become---just a big bowl of brown stuff---full of beans

i wonder

chili mania

okay, so i am making chili today--not too bad so far--not experimenting too much and not feeling too stressed---thinking mine always needs something though
do i add too many tomatoes, is it too runny--i don't like it too thick----hmmm why isn't it spicy enough---should i use my own spices and not a package---i mean it's pretty much the same thing, isn't it

and how am i going to serve it without cornbread-----

why does it never seem to make enough---frank thinks he should be able to eat on it for the rest of the week---gotta get smaller bowls, maybe

do i add coffee, chocolate--i don't know----
one time, i added orange soda---not awful----not great either
so how do you make it--are you able to share your chili secrets---shhhhh i won't tell anyone

i have been accused of being martha stewart, but julia, i am not

haha you guys might get a kick out of this--sometimes, i wanna write about cooking and how i have tried this or that---so here we go

well over the weekend i was watching a cooking show---i think it is called something like "the pioneer lady"---anyway she made a shrimp stir-fry--that really interested me---even though i tell everyone, i am sorta allergic to shrimp--just sometimes, it's weird--

i altered her recipe a bit and to be honest--i don't actually remember her exact recipe--

i started with frozen, already cooked, de-veined and de-tailed small shrimp---first of all, i will tell you if i were to make this again, i would thaw the shrimp out under cold water, at the last minute and stir them in at the end of cook time----i browned them a bit and they were very very rubbery--

i added frozen zucchini, yellow squash, corn, and fresh grape tomatoes----she used fresh, corn off the cob and fresh zucchini and red and yellow tomatoes----i got the same color with the yellow squash and the yellow grape tomatoes, were quite a bit more expensive

i used lots of pepper, salt, lemon pepper, sage and lots of margarine and some veg. oil---

we enjoyed it, but it needs a lot of tweaks

i added a salad, that had been bogging my brain up for a couple of days--you know, one of my creations!

not such a big hit---but good

canned pears---would be better with fresh or at least a good brand---mine were too mushy

i browned with margarine and white sugar, some walnuts---tried to save money there too--but i think pecans would have been much better----i threw in the pears with the nuts, just long enough to coat them ---

added about half a small pack of feta cheese---i love feta, but this brand was not very good or something--

then i added balsamic vinaigrette---no taste--so went with a lime dressing---was better

just sharing a little cooking fun today--let me know if you try this!

the breeze of remembrance

i touched it's corners---the emotions of it's softness entered me and i was once again over-whelmed--
the silence of that familiar fragrance hung in the dense air, like a spirit, calling to me

oh it wasn't that i minded, in fact, it could be said, it was a comfort--like an old record, one finds in a dusty old second hand store----i knew i would play it's story over and again in my heart

such blissfulness, remembered that way at least---probably wasn't as idyllic as the filters of time, allowed it to be---but i embraced it

 pondering if time were perhaps a circle---existing, waiting for us to notice ---to recognize, it's voice--it's cadence--it's perfection-

Wedding pictures and video

Hey y'all! This is Robyn, I'm posting some pictures and video from the wedding! :)

(our bridal dance)

wedding memories

hey there blogging friends--i have missed you----well it is all over but the crying----seriously, i didn't cry too much except once------

also i feel i must ad a disclaimer of sorts----as all writers know, sometimes it is extremely difficult to write well and honestly at the same time---a constant balancing act for me---as i have shared before, i tend to gravitate towards real life writing, or at least based on it----so often, i just have to let go, that scrumptious thing i would so love to tell----in preference of others feelings----small price to pay---

i must tell you, i do plan to post pics---seeing as robyn and dillon are still away---that will have to wait---technology challenged here---i am raising my hand-

the wedding was beautiful as was robyn---i am allowed to say that right-----she glowed and sparkled and shined like a bride should do---and the groom, looked every bit the part of her prince charming----

everyone played their part to a "t" and some even more----don't ever let anyone tell you the bridal group dance is to be passed----it was a huge hit----i will share that later too----

the music happens to be a most important part of the wedding for me----we had two dear friends playing the piano and organ----two of my nieces singing and three of my nephews----

during the "virgin cocktail" hour, we had a wonderful young man play the saxophone and one of our "coffee house" finds, shared his talents---his rendition of "the times they are a changing" made you look around for dylan, i tell you--

i leave you with a few thoughts on weddings-

1.never think it is too early to plan ---everything takes a lot longer than you think
2.it never hurts to know a caterer or hey, even better if the brides mom or grooms mom is one-
3.never think you can't have just as many attendents as you want---you will never (mostly never) regret having someone in your wedding but can regret not
4.always instruct the groomsmen lighting the unity candle, not to light the big one in the middle
5.and this is for guests--if you see the groomsmen have lit the middle one, do not hesitate to bring it to someones attention and go blow it out---nice catch zack
6.you can never have enough food---and hey don't hold back--put it all out--go for it---and along those lines--hire more servers than you think you will need
7.don't worry that your 3year old granddaughter who is one of the three flower girls, decides to enter first with the two granddaughters that are jr. bridesmaids--just be glad she came down the aisle at all
8.don't worry too much when someone leans over during the ceremony and asks where that said flower girl is---someone in the back has caught her
9.remember things will happen that you do not expect or could anticipate----
10.don't be surprised to see your hostesses and chairwoman of the deacons and her husband mopping the a fore mentioned unexpected toilet flood
11.don't be surprised to find your pastor has wings and the patience of Job
12.and don't be surprised when your daughter no longer comes into the room, with arms full of bridal magazines to go over with you
13.and don't be surprised when you miss it all

one day

good thursday morning all----lots still going on and on and on hahaha--i know, i hear ya--enjoy it!!

sadly i want to share with you, my two friends battling cancer, have gone to be with the Father--they passed away less than a week apart-----i am glad i saw one of my friends a couple of weeks before he died---it was a sweet visit, he was having a rather good day and as i held his hand while frank prayed, i felt he was a little boy---as he was not the touchy feely kind of guy, and as i am not too----i struggled with the over-whelming desire to hold him close and cry-----settling for asking him if i could kiss his head---as i did, i lingered a bit--as if there was something unsaid or like there was anything important i could add to his life ending----


my other dear friend was a lady i go to church with--a lady my dad hired to help with my mother, during the last year of her life----such a sweetheart---she had become an extended member of our family----as i finished writing another thinking of you card for her---i got the call from my father that she had gone---

as with life, the sadness does not stop and the joys do not cease to happen---many times, side by side----

robyn has many of her closest friends and family members in her wedding party---several of her best friends had moved away in this last year or so, and were not going to make it to the wedding---

last week, one of these friends, had a tragic loss in her family, which has brought her back home----she is now going to be in the wedding-----robyn has cried so much for her friend's loss and the sad reason she is able to be there-

i still find myself, counting the days, literally---and also in a weird way---i have realized, i am not as concerned with the details and the chaos----

there is a lot i cannot share---for now---maybe a book one day----who am i kidding----but i did think i had a pretty good idea for one----even robyn liked it-----it is about a mother of the bride's point of view of the wedding----sort of a dark comedy---

but first i gotta get that one "love don't buy no tires"---done-----i dedicate today's blog to my friend and hopefully, one day, co-writer, susan

sharing

good tuesday morning my friends---i wasn't gonna write this morning but i am suddenly feeling pretty emotional, so i thought, hey, maybe i should write after-all

it is the kind of emotional that is not particularly unpleasant, maybe melancholy would be a better word--

i have written in the past about my tendency to rush things and how i am ready for the summer to be over, as soon as the 4th of july has ended

yesterday a friend of mine, posted on her facebook how she was ready for fall and all of it's glory and beauty---i liked it---but found myself surprised that i wasn't feeling that way, this summer--

now i know i have told everyone, who asked, how i am more than ready for robyn's wedding to be over and in lots of ways i am----but as i knew i would, i am starting to get the fact that when it's over, it's over----

there will be no more days of pouring over bridal magazines and searching every site on google that has anything to do with weddings---

robyn will probably stop pinning wedding ideas to her pinterest---and i will look around the house and wonder where has all the bags of wedding materials disappeared to- and how is it, i am no longer finding pieces of ribbon and endless wedding lists all over the dining room table--

such as life---we celebrate and we go on---and hopefully we celebrate again----

if i stop too long to ponder this momentous time in my daughter's life, i will be like her daddy----who wouldn't care if i write about, his many teary moments at the thought of his "little winkie" getting married-

he worries how he won't be able go in to kiss her goodbye each morning before work------

i just take a deep breath and say to myself--this is what you prayed for and it is----i firmly believe this is meant to be---

i know a big part of my sudden flush of emotions is due to the many sad things going on at this time---many heartaches and pain for others in my life-----

but there is a deep part of me, that senses something going on lately that is so beautifully orchestrated that only the angels could hear it----it seems to be saying---this is all for a purpose, take notice, see how everything is connected----and i do sometimes look back at each encounter and go awwww that's what that was about-----

and those fireflies seem to increase everyday--so much so that i think of them quite often---like a couple of Sundays ago---my mind wandered a bit about all those fireflies and how i just might write a book about the summer without the fireflies----cause maybe they have something to do with my wanting summer to linger just as long as it wants

more salads and reptiles

well this blogging thing has turned into kinda a weekly check-in huh-----i am sure i will be looking for things to do and hopefully writing more, after robyn and dillon's up-coming wedding

we are busy getting the last touches in order--the music finalized--the bows finished ----and maybe settling on one cake she loves----

but i am sure i will bore y'all to death afterwards with "tmi"---

Sunday we celebrated frank's birthday----we had pizza and a couple of salad's i made-----i once again brought out my award winning (jk) green salad, you might remember, the one with the almonds, cranberries and oranges---this time, i didn't dress it with the raspberry vinaigrette but gave a choice---forgetting i didn't have the "zesty" italian, my oldest grandson wanted---tried a new pasta creation---steamer bags,  of broccoli, fettuccine with sun dried tomato dressing--big hit

we had cake of course but i added a make your own ice-cream sundae, table----i was in a bit of a dilemma--cause you know how i am---about what 4 flavors of ice-cream to have-----ended up having, golden oreo---not such a hit----chocolate with mini m&m--ehh so so response----but definitely the two favs---girl scout, somoa and birthday blast---

interesting to me---the gummy bears were virtually untouched, while the gummy worms were gone, before you could say, candy reptile-----the chocolate syrup was used a lot and the cool whip----even though one of my grandsons, was careful to point out, that i was basically serving oil, not cream----he shared this as he mounted the oily mess on his concoction----

there was much entertainment at this proctor get-together, to be exact, there is never the lack of it at any occasion----they all have a small amount of the performer in them----

haha, i gotta tell y'all this----it might not relay too well in word------as frank was opening one of his presents---i was not aware it was a gift from my son colin and his family-----i mistakingly thought it was the shirt, i had suggested to robyn to get for her dad----she had told me she couldn't get the yellow color but had purchased a polo like it in blue---well when i turned my head and didn't realize the blue t-shirt, frank was holding up to show everyone, was indeed not the one from robyn---i exclaimed, "why did you get that shirt"--to which my son, defended---"well mom, it's a nice summer t-shirt"----i wondered, why is he coming to robyn's defense------thank goodness, i soon figured out what he thought---i quickly tried to explain, to no avail----they will not let me forget my rudeness---

oh and yeah---skip the fruit for the sundae spread--just keep it in the frig for yourself later

until there is freedom for all

on this the day before our country celebrates it's great day of freedom, i wanted to say happy 4th to all---but as my heart is dealing with some heavy duty stuff ---i am severely reminded that there is not freedom for some----so it is with that pain, i leave you with a poem today, probably my favorite---i have had it read at many occasions ---and although i fancy myself a poet of sorts---this says what is truly in my heart

                                   

I SHALL NOT PASS THIS WAY AGAIN

I shall not pass this way again---
Although it bordered be with flowers,
Although I rest in fragrant bowers,
And hear the singing
Of song-birds winging
To highest heaven their gladsome flight;
Though moons are full and stars are bright,
And winds and waves are softly sighing,
While leafy trees make low replying;
Though voices clear in joyous strain
Repeat a jubilant refrain;
Though rising suns their radiance throw
On summer's green and winter's snow,
In such rare splendor that my heart
Would ache from scenes like these to part;
Though beauties heighten,
And life-lights brighten,
And joys proceed from every pain---
I shall not pass this way again.

Then let me pluck the flowers that blow,
And let me listen as I go
To music rare
That fills the air;
And let hereafter
Songs and laughter
Fill every pause along the way;
And to my spirit let me say:
"O soul, be happy; soon 'tis trod,
The path made thus for thee by God.
Be happy, thou, and bless His name
By whom such marvellous beauty came."
And let no chance by me be lost
To kindness show at any cost.
I shall not pass this way again;
Then let me now relieve some pain,
Remove some barrier from the road,
Or brighten someone's heavy load;
A helping hand to this one lend,
Then turn some other to befriend.

O God, forgive
That I now live
As if I might, sometime, return
To bless the weary ones that yearn
For help and comfort every day,---
For there be such along the way.
O God, forgive that I have seen
The beauty only, have not been
Awake to sorrow such as this;
That I have drunk the cup of bliss
Remembering not that those there be
Who drink the dregs of misery.

I love the beauty of the scene,
Would roam again o'er fields so green;
But since I may not, let me spend
My strength for others to the end,---
For those who tread on rock and stone,
And bear their burdens all alone,
Who loiter not in leafy bowers,
Nor hear the birds nor pluck the flowers.
A larger kindness give to me,
A deeper love and sympathy;
Then, O, one day
May someone say---
Remembering a lessened pain---
"Would she could pass this way again."

by Eva Rose York 

just checking in-----

ya know what blogger family and other unknown readers, i find myself, writing today, simply because i want to keep in touch---i do miss hearing from you and reading your thoughts and creativity

my apologies to any of you that have missed my not being around quite as much as usual---and please forgive me for not accepting the gracious awards----most of that is because, i have still not mastered the computer and robyn is gone a lot these days---but i want you to know, i appreciate each and every time i am honored by one of you dear friends

so much has been happening, my mind is pretty much in a whirl, these days---the wedding is only a few weeks away, and in some ways, it can't come fast enough for me-

people have wondered how i could support my young daughter to wed----it is meant to be, i believe---as a matter of fact, i think God placed dillon right where i could see him and said, he is the one you have been praying for---

we never know really, where life will lead us and when it may take an unexpected detour, from all of our carefully laid plans----i have learned that lesson, if nothing else too much over these fifty some years--

robyn is my only girl that i will see married----if you recall, she is the youngest of eight and my fourth girl---
 when my first little daughter passed away---a sweet friend of mine had given her the little bible that you give when a baby girl is born--it is to be carried on her wedding day---when eden died, frank laid it in the coffin with her and wrote in it--now you are married to Jesus----wow, i did not plan to share such an intimate part of my life, truth is i rarely do---

Sunday my pastor spoke of sharing the comfort the Lord has given us with others, and i begin to realize, i might not be doing that-----it may come one day---all in His time---

thank you for all of your sweet comments and prayers about my friend---now i have two friends that are in their last days----one of them says, how she feels the comforter, the "Holy Spirit" with her----i share with her that it may be soon---she is ready----

so as we all enjoy the fireflies of summer and the hopes of tomorrow, may we be a small comfort to those around us in need and may i get through this magical stressful time of life and be able to look back fondly on it one day

last week's left-overs

last time i wrote, i sorta had a theme--of lessons i had learned---i kinda enjoy that thought, so i will look back on last week and try to pull some insights out--

last week, i talked to a friend who has been given only a few months to live---it was a sudden diagnosis and has left my friend begging for more time---i told her, that i didn't think God would take her until she is ready---i have to admit, i partly in faith believe this, but also was trying to comfort her---i would appreciate, any of you who are prayer people to say a pray for my dear friend--

i have been seeing a lot of fire-flies this summer---i am convinced, first of all that some summers, i have not seen any of these wondrous creatures and that when i was a kid, they came in red too--

i have come to know that we can start over and over again, as long as we are willing

as i write this morning, i am cooking yellow summer squash---i now believe that frozen squash, cooked long enough and seasoned enough, is just as good as fresh and most people cannot tell the difference-did i share this before-

i have learned that the government has taken over our washing machines---there is a lot more to this discovery- i may elaborate at a later date---but this really is someone else's story----i just learned again, that else's is not a correct word-

major find----clearance garden section in walmart----i have purchased four huge peace lilies for a little over six dollars a piece----now if i can only keep them alive until robyn's wedding, in a few weeks

mostly, i tell myself to relish each moment, and mostly i fail at this lofty attempt----but still, i can try

lessons learned

okay so today it hit me to write---i am at the moment going back to my inspired or just that push to write only times----

i thought i might share with you, some of the things i have learned or observed over my busy weekend----lately i have been looking at life more that way--like i want to take away something from most of it--we'll see, how long that lasts

i have re-learned that people don't go for the fruits and veggies too much, unless you don't have any other food----but you know what---i put colored, and shaped marshmallows with my red and green grapes and pineapple---i think if people had tried that combo, especially with the cream cheese dip, they would have loved them---i did-- and i am not too much of a fruit person----as for the veggies, which by the way, i have always hated that word, "veggies"--but now i find it is comfortable to use---anyway---people do love the snap peas--which my veggie tray had---but those things, are expensive----i do share one last thing with you about the veggie tray--i had planned to remove all of it and display it in these adorable little green tub like things, i believe people would have been attracted by that--

i learned, i think, this weekend---although, as i write this, i have to be honest, i will learn this one over and over again---that only you can make decisions, about yourself and what you can and cannot do and you must let it go

okay, this is now in theory, but i am still gonna list it---people don't really care much, how your house looks--certainly not as much as you do---and if they do, you aren't going know what they say, probably

cheese balls are coming back, in a big way---but don't forget to put the knife out with it-

don't ever assume, you know how your kids will react to things, or what they are feeling and never underestimate, their love for their siblings---i know, big shock to me too

even if you think something makes you look fatter, when people say it doesn't, go ahead and wear it---no one should be relegated to black pants and black tops, all the time

people love m&ms-----

and this is strictly personal---go on and make those darling little shot cups of mini cheese cakes---people are impressed by them--which hey, that's what you are going for right---bad thing, you will have a lot left over--good thing, you will have a lot left over---

rhyming today

twas the night before graduation and dance recital and all through the house not a thing was accomplished as we laid on the couch

the windows were spotty and needed much care, but who would be willing, we had to be fair

the truth is the house needed too much to do--and how we were to clean it all, i hadn't a clue

so we swept and we scrubbed and we tried hard to hide, all the clutter in sight, then i sat down and cried

and the food, what to have, who would come who would not, though we hoped after our effort, there would be a lot

if not for these lifetime events, my house wouldn't get this much attention----for cleaning is not my thing, did i bother to mention -

prayers

as i watch the devastation in Oklahoma today---it seems to me that the mystery of the human spirit is probably one of the biggest mysteries in life

we lose loved ones and houses, dreams and health--but as soon as that breath we take tells us we can go on, we want to go on--then life does go on---

and the lessons we think we shall never forget, fade and the pain we drown in--becomes a dull lonely ache--but we manage to buy new paint, go to dinner, pay our bills and entertain the thought that we can once again "plan" our life----

what else are we to do--what choices are there---they are too bleak and deeply dark to consider

so as we all pray and guiltily thank God it wasn't us---we know--that something will be us---but who could sustain their being, with this threat in our fore-thoughts----

so the human spirit --the God given grace and mercy, carries us on

renewal

the soft light touched her skin like a satin ribbon---she didn't open her eyes, although she was certainly awake

the thoughts of her dreams, echoed in her memory and she closed her eyelids tighter as this could change it

many years had left her wiser and wiser still she would become--- still she struggled---how futile it all seemed at times

and then like a candle's brilliance in the early evening's dimness--it would hit her---she knew, she could go on, not only on but follow

follow an unknown thing, but so real she could feel it's breath on her moist neck

only she knew her intent and strength, only she could end this dream

after the dust of the challenge, comes may

well i will have to say, it feels a little weird, writing today---although it has only been about ten days, it seems like much longer-

the a-z challenge sorta left me tired---and i know, i didn't put into it what i did last year---so really i was dragging through it--

i guess, stress is what brought me back to the keys today---if you have followed me for a while, you may remember that may is an unusually busy month in my family and this year there are even more important dates going on---

the first part of may, marks many dates that hold a special place in my heart, followed by the dreaded "mother's day"---my birthday, robyn's, my youngest granddaughter's-my "dil" kelli's and then my son colin---not to mention memorial day, which is when we most times celebrate, colin's bday---and out of necessity we now throw in kelli's---i mean my family can't get together every weekend-----

this year, the month of may ends with robyn's graduation, and last year of dance recital---which includes many extra practices------hmmm it seems like i am forgetting something---oh yeah a prom and---big stress builder, her graduation and the first recital, all on the same day---lovely huh---at least we get it all done at once---trying to look on the bright side

and trying to remember how these days will past and the memory will be a distant blur one day---focus--breath and enjoy--right---right---

one thing you have to keep in mind about stress---they say, when your stressful thing has passed, to be aware of sickness hitting ya---that's when your stress hormones take a break and you are most vulnerable to coming down with something---just great--another thing to stress about--but that let down won't be for some time to come----wedding in august

zebra---i know, i used it last year, but read on, you will see

last year i wrote about my son's wonderful drawing of the zebra--the painting explored - how the zebra got his stripes, and my son said (as the painting depicted) that he indeed got his stripes from the mud, that was in the picture with him----i went on to vow, how although we had displayed the award winning picture, i had never framed it--and i was to add that to my to do list---sadly to say and with no excuse, i have still not framed it---

so today i end with the word zebra as in the symbol of unfinished projects in my life and do not want you to miss the irony of this post being the culmination of this blog challenge----

the list would be long and boring if i were to include all of the zebra projects since last year's challenge---so i will share only a sampling


1. i still haven't finished cleaning out my closet
2. still haven't written notes and cards to many of my loved ones
3. still haven't firmed up my body enough haha, like that's gonna happen in my lifetime
4. still haven't started that project that is gonna change my life
5. still haven't gotten the big lottery win--
6. still haven't had a cookie decorating day with the grand-kids
7.hmmmm there are so many more zebra moments

so as we leave this challenge, i would challenge us all to do as many zebra things as we can do and to not beat ourselves up when we miss a few here and there--after all that little zebra still looks pretty sweet in it's original matted cardboard frame-----

youth

the young don't know nor care to see the depth of life before them
they cling to fun and paths of freedom and still they know it's coming

they can't define the road of youth, it's all been done before
they chase and hide and say they won't but who can tell them the truth

their youth of today is holding them down and it really is better than vision
for all of our warnings will go unheeded and rightly they should

x marks the spot

x marks the spot----wow---that makes me think of my childhood----for all the dresses i wore and the prissy girl i was known to be---i spent a lot of time outdoors

right next to my house were woods---i had a fort and everything----and i was always pretending to hunt for treasure----thus the x marks the spot choice today---

i would draw maps and insist to my willing friends, that there was a real live treasure hidden somewhere in my domain and if they could find it--they could have it--

oh it might have been an old necklace or a broken vase, but to us, it was all very exciting--

it was exciting like when i was very little, how one of my Sunday school teacher would host an Easter egg hunt at her house----somehow, i was her favorite---and she---unbeknownst to the other mothers and their kids---would lead me to x marks the spot, every time---i would not only get the most eggs but always the big prize egg---i remember how i sorta had a guilty little feeling about that special egg i retrieved

other places in our lives are marked with an x, if only in our memories----the place you had your first kiss---the place your were when the president was assassinated---the place your were when you first told your husband you were expecting ---the place the police officer pulled you over, when you were going a little fast-----and on and on

yes x doesn't do a lot, in our language, at least in our everyday usage, but x can mark some pretty important things

white bird

i remember so many songs that intrigued me and spoke to me, none more than this beautiful song of yesterday

"white bird"----it was by a group called "it's a beautiful day"---

i hesitated to look into the meaning of the song, for fear it could mean something, that i had not read into it all those years ago---i might look it up after i finish this---

but whatever the intent of the song---for me, it spoke of passions for living and it spoke to my soul and touched me in a extreme way

it stirred my emotions and made me dream of possibilities and the power inside myself--to soar, like this great white bird

when i bought their album for this song, i discovered another wonderful cut----"hot summer day"---which proved to touch me in much the same way

it is one of those albums that can transport me back----sitting by the river with my friends---staring at the sky and daring to let my mind wander at the future while realizing the depth of connection that music would always hold to those days

vanity

what is vanity--is it when we wash our faces and check our laugh lines-
is it when we curl our hair and take the mirror to check the back--to see if we look as good coming as going

we can't escape it, it seems----we are bombarded with everything everywhere making us vulnerable to vanity---are our teeth white enough, does our breath have that minty fresh taste---is there any unwanted hair in sight---are our butts tight enough

does our lawn look as green as our neighbors, do our flowers reach their optimum bloom size

does our kid make the grade and do they go to a good college---if they don't, you probably won't see the stickers on the car windows

of course we know the bible says all is vanity and it is----we are but a vapor----

but still we do it, we buy the newest bent of metal, that makes us now look at our last year's model and recognize it's not as pretty anymore

we look at our butcher block counters and exclaim---i have got to get the marble counter tops, i just have to

we throw out last year's so out-of-date fashions---because someone tells us to

it will not end---we can only rebel and resist in small doses----we can only be released when we are in a place of pain or age, where we can no longer compete anyway-----and then we can marvel at the best spot we purchased in the cemetery---why it is much prettier than------

unless

unless--oh yes that wonderful little word we can pull out when in doubt

unless it rains, i will definitely be there

unless my dog gets sick, i can come to dinner---unless my hair gets unusually dirty, i can take you to the doctor

it is a great word--it is more sure than until and more vague than maybe---

i know i use it whenever i am caught off guard or can't make up my mind, if i want to say yes or no or just can't think of a good excuse----

unless, makes the other person know---that unless that thing happens or the unexpected emergency occurs, they can surely count on you---they can know, that unless this unforeseen unlikely disaster happens, you will be there for them with bells on

if they ---only knew, that your unless, means the same thing their unless means

tuna

i first feel i have to apologize--for not being too creative with some of my a-z blogs---truth be told, i am kinda struggling to finish this challenge----but the food thing interests me right now, so i hope you will forgive another food post--especially since it wasn't even on my radar to do a food blog---

tuna----i have always loved it and i tell you, i haven't met anyone that loves it more than robyn---whenever we split a sub, i know what kind i will be getting---tuna---tuna---tuna

it is good and in moderation, pretty good for ya---although i am not so sure about all the mayo and pickle--

the way i really enjoy it on a sandwich--is with of course the mayo---onion, celery and lemon----i rarely have that on hand so, it's usually the sweet relish with the mayo-----i prefer it not toasted--and i now only use the tuna packs----oh and i hate those tuna packs that are sandwich ready---to me they have a strange artificial taste-

i used to make this great dish---it was kinda like a chinese style tuna and you would serve it over rice---i think i can remember all the ingredients, and there were quite a few----to the two cans of white tuna you added, a big can of chinese vegetables, chicken bouillon, celery, onions, mushrooms and an extra can of water chestnuts ---i think that was all----it was very good, but ended up tasting like chicken

i like the more traditional tuna casseroles as well---even the tuna helper----but frank used to make the best one ever---he doesn't recall what he put into it but i think it had cream of mushroom soup and i know it had rice----loved it----he would make it quite often when i was pregnant and not feeling too well---it was one of those comforting foods we all like--

 if i have ever been tempted to order a tuna steak in a restaurant, i will resist---btw--little piece of advice, i follow---they say--never order any seafood on a monday---chances are it won't be fresh--just left-over from the weekend----

soup

i love soup----especially the broth-----you probably all have heard the story "stone soup" or a variation of it---as a child and even as an adult, i have loved this story----

it always leaves me wanting a steaming bowl of soup--

this love of soup takes me back to my early days of school----we would have a half day schedule and that would mean we only had a snack at school---if i was on the morning rotation week---i would return home to soup and sandwiches on the coffee table, along with my sister-

i remember my mother's vegetable soup and my grandmother's soup----it was my dad's mom---who i remember making the vegetable soup----mom's was really good, but grandmal's  was very sweet, i think it was the extra corn she put in it---

i even liked the soups the school cafeteria served-----and mmmm their chili was wonderful, although i don't count that as a real soup--more like a stew---hey another s word---wasn't even trying ---

i recall how i would watch one of my nephews every friday when i was a teenager---as i was making his lunch, i could count on his asking for soup---never failed--

soup makes you feel warm and cozy and full---it's great if you are trying to lose a little weight--if i wait a while after eating a bowl of soup, i usually find, i don't want too much else

this past fall, i got adventurous--making pumpkin soup---it is one i plan to make again, in season

you know--i think next time i am watching my younger grand-kids--i will read to them the charming tale of "stone soup"----no slurping----omgosh--did ya see that

reading between the lines

sometimes people mean what they say and say what they mean---others

have you ever had someone tell you something or say something off handed and laughed--only to say to yourself, when you got home---oooohhhh, that's what they were saying hmmmm

i fancy myself, a person with discernment---seriously, i think, i have that God given gift----my mother had it too---i remember as a child, thinking she was cold and judgmental---i came to realize, that her assessments of most people were very accurate, if not pretty

now i know, as women, sorry, we tend to read into things, and listen a little more eagerly---but i believe people rarely say exactly what they mean and when they do have an agenda, i believe they try to disguise it as nicely as they think they can--and still let you feel the jab---

even the ones that seem to "tell it like it is"---they too are holding back---they don't tell you what has led them to this unpleasant out-burst

so maybe the next time, someone says something and then laughs a "i'm just kidding"---you might just wanna try and think what they may be holding on to---

or if you are a man reading this----just go along your business, cause we know, you don't "read between the lines" and if ya got it, chances are, ya wouldn't give a darn-----sorry, men, just trying to keep it interesting on the a-z challenge----hmmm do ya think that's what i really mean

quiz

i thought it might be fun if i give everyone a little t.v. quiz today--and no looking up the answers---



1. on the "laverne and shirley" show---who was shirley's kinda boyfriend through-out most of the show--and he danced

2. on the "happy days" show---how many kids did the cunningham family have

3. name two spin-off shows from "all in the family"

4. name two spin-offs from the "mary tyler moore show"

5. name the daughter in the "adam's family"

6. name the niece in the "munsters"

7. how many siblings were in "the big valley"

8. what famous disaster movie was the first "fallon" from "dynasty" in

9. what was the real first name of the actor that played pam's brother on "dallas"

10. what were the characters names of andy and barney's girl-friends on "the andy griffin show"


please leave your answers and a question--hope i didn't make these too easy

picnics

i have been thinking about taking my dad, soon, to visit some of our loved ones graves----they are about and hour or so away----i was also thinking it might be nice to pack a picnic lunch-

i love the thought of picnic food but rarely make one---

a few stand out----years ago, we took the kids down to the park in our neighborhood, where there is a pavillion and a pond----we had a great day---the two oldest boys fished and we had lots of special picnic foods, including fudge brownies-

another picnic that i recall--started with a lovely picnic array of foods, but we got so hungry, that, unable to find a spot to eat, we ended up eating in a convience store lot----but we particularly enjoyed the hard-boiled eggs--

occasionally we will stop and get chicken with the fixings and head out to a lovely park in our town--

but when i think of a real picnic--i think of preparing my own foods-

i guess the last really good picnic our family had, was one in the mountains---i remember bringing so much food--i couldn't stop myself----

we had all kinds of sandwich stuff---pickles-chips-cookies-fresh fruit-potato salad ---well it seemed like more---

so i might just do, it---shoot, i might just go crazy and make my grandmother's famous fried chicken---

what goodies do you pack on your picnics?

once upon a time

once upon a time---awwww wasn't that how some of our favorite stories started----

once upon a time this beautiful princess--once upon a time there was a sparkly kingdom-----

so many wonderful writers have begun their masterpieces with these four little words

as most of you can tell, i don't really follow your conventional ways of writing nor do i pretend to have knowledge of the many books about how to write, etc.

now i am not knocking those books, it's just i haven't gone this path----but there is one thing i learned long ago in my senior year of high school that has stuck with me all the years-

we were given movie cameras and told to go make a movie-----we learned sorta like a crash course in movie making---

the most important thing that we were to remember, was not to start our movie with some monumental or tragic beginning

we were told that if you did something too disturbing in the first few minutes of your movie, that you would lose you audience---they would be too preoccupied with the horror or terror they had seen and then not be engaged in the further action or story of the film-

like i said, that one thing, i took away from that course---has intriqed me ever since

i am guessing this would hold true for books as well

so as we try to grab the reader from the get go---we must not overwhelm them-----

i don't know if i am any good at the beginnings of stories, but i have to say, that is probably my most favorite part of the process-----

what do you say--

not until

not until the wars have all been fought---not until we see ourselves in every other person

not until we listen with our hearts and speak with a mother's compassion

not until we let the emptiness be filled with something other than our vain desires

not until we stand on the grassy mound of our child or loved ones final resting place---or face the fears of our soulless shadows--

but one day that not until day will come and we won't be able to contain our joy

mother as in "sylvia's mother"---i know i am kinda cheating

yesterday on the way back from visiting with "big tommy"----frank and i were enjoying the warm weather and singing to the radio, an "oldies" station----

on comes a song, i haven't heard or thought about in forever---i don't even think i liked it when it was out---

it is a song about a poor boy---i say he is a poor boy, because i guess i sympathize with him--maybe because his story is the one we are hearing---we aren't privy to the other side---the reason why "sylvia's mother" will not get her daughter to the phone---

okay this guy has done something to hurt sylvia in the past for sure---but i am assuming he still loves her--that is why he is calling---

poor guy, and he's got that darn operator, calling for 40cents more every time he thinks he might have a chance of sylvia's mom letting sylvia have the phone call-

ya know, it's funny as i remember this song, i had always wondered, why "sylvia's mother" says at one point, "thank you for calling, and sir won't you call back again"---i now know it was because she is in the room---i don't know why i never caught that part---i always thought, those lyrics didn't make sense-

but anyway on this mundane mucky, moist, milkless morose (not really morose, just liked the way it sounded) monday, i leave you with this song-

lasting

what is lasting, can it be the wind---does it not go still at times, who's to say it will return

what is lasting, is love lasting---it may be although it's faces and shapes continually change forms, it appears to last

does joy last---not each individual joy but there is an essence remaining a trace of it's existence

and we say that childhood does not last--but i swear i've heard those little voices laughing in the shadows, still at play in the recesses of my memory

do troubles last, no for if they did, we couldn't stand or sleep or even have the heart to try

so the things that last are fleeting, that's the irony of life itself, the beauty hidden in it's mystery

karaoke

at our church we occasionally have a karaoke  night-----everyone always enjoys it and sometimes it's hard to get them to stop singing and let us pack up the machine and go home haha

but this one time, our little karaoke night proved to be very controversial---

we decided to have it as a kinda coffee house, karaoke night blend

it went off very well---until the Sunday afterwards--

at the start of the morning worship service---this rather large, loud african american self-proclaimed pastor, came barging in, demanding to take over the pulpit and speak----it was quite a scene and no one knew what to do----

to let you know a little about our church, we are an old church that is in the inner city----yes we are predominately white but our church members include and welcome all races-----most of our church is older people, but they are very loving and would never intentionally hurt someone

back to the man----he was obviously a little mentally unbalanced but intent that he must speak to the evil devil racist church we were----in fact a church that he knew had just held a klu klux klan meeting---

well i can tell you we were all astonished and someone went to call the police-----

before the police arrived, several men were able to get the man outside to talk-----as they did, the man proclaimed, that he had proof that we had indeed held the kkk meeting at our church---he reached in his pocket, as the men started to lunge----he pulled out a piece of paper,----

my husband being one of the men outside with him---took the piece of paper and was speechless----it was one of our flyers, advertizing the coffee night to the community---

as frank took a look at the what we thought was a clever way to put it, he saw the misunderstanding---

please come to our KARAOKE KOFFEE HOUSE-------  the man said the "h" in house was only used to disguise the true meeting's agenda----we now advertize our youth coffee house, only with a "c"

jaime

(this is a repost from 2009---not feeling too well this morning---sorry this is a little longer than usual--)
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i don't know why i have decided to share this story with you, but i kept feeling like i am suppose to today. i usually try to write about something in my day or something in my day that ties in with a story in the past--but here goes

years ago when my husband and i had our two oldest sons and our first daughter, who was also our first handicapped child--we decided we probably wouldn't have anymore children, but would adopt a older "hard to place" child--we went to all the classes - where we were warned of all the problems one could encounter with some of these "damaged " children --it didn't scare us --for after all if we were doing okay with a severely handicapped child- how hard could it be--the only thing i was sure i couldn't handle was another handicapped child--they had them- in fact they had a book just full of kids with special needs. the-caseworker also said that parents were needed for children that were now in institutions--they would continue to stay there but you could visit them and make medical decisions for them. i knew that was definitely not for me - i could never go to an institution let alone leave them there!

well after the adoption classes were over, the case worker had a child in mind for us- an older girl--it didn't work out, as she very much wanted to stay in the foster home she had been in for 5 years--she was hoping they would adopt her - i don't know if they ever did.

time went by and i found out i was pregnant again . we were very happy about it , but scared that this child might be handicapped too- one day we were out picking up meds for our daughter from the county medical center--where we had taken our adoption classes ( our daughter had been dropped from our insurance)--- my husband goes into get the meds and returns with a large book -- the book of hard to place children-- seems he had run into the case worker we had before-- i was so mad at him--how could he have brought this book out - me being pregnant and all--he said we could keep the book for a week-- i vowed i would not even open it!

a few days later, the book seemed to be calling to me--i looked through it--there were so many --it was just too sad- i started to close the book, when i saw this little girl in a wheelchair- her head was deformed--it read about her--no one had visited her in her 11 years-- i cried -

when my husband came home from work that evening i was holding the book --i told him i had seen the child we had to adopt--he said wait- let me show you first the one i have picked-- he opened the book and handed it to me - it was the same little girl--we couldn't believe it--

we made a call the next day to our case worker in our county--we waited and waited--they never did anything to help us get in contact with the institution where the little girl lived--we couldn't get this child out of our minds and hearts--one day a friend of mine suggested we contact another non profit agency she had dealt with, as she had adopted children----
the next day i called - i told the woman about the book - which all the agencies had --she looked up the little girl--i almost dropped the phone when she said--oh yes, jaime- i'm visiting her--in my heart i said thank you Lord--for truth be told, yes i felt so sorry for her , but if God had someone else that was willing to take her ,than i was off the hook--she told me no, no that she was only visiting as a social worker--we decided to meet--

as i was due with my baby in a couple of weeks , we decided to wait until after the baby-so we wouldn't have to stop the visits for a time--i had my baby--another girl--she spent the first month in the nicu--it looked like she had the same handicap as my older daughter--we were crushed--but she came home - we loved her to death--and life went on-

in july that year we made our first visit to jaime--she was so sweet--but i was very worried about taking care of 3 handicapped children --i knew i didn't want to be a parent to her and leave her there--of course for her , but also because it was so sad to come every week to this institution--i had never seen so many helpless pitiful people--i felt sick every time we went--eventually we became more and more used to it--the visits and the plans to adopt her and bring her home continued-

it seems the case worker (not the one that brought us to her ) from her county of birth was the birth mother's best friend--when we met with her she told me how the family had never come to see jaime and how she had tried her best to convince them to visit--she was sure they never would--during that time i had strongly felt the Lord telling me to go ahead with the plan to adopt her, but that her birth family was going to come to see her--i asked jaime's case worker to try one more time with the birth family--before we got any deeper into the adoption process-- she assured me that she knew them and it was no use-they did not ever want to see her-

then one day as i was fixing dinner the case worker that had introduced us to jaime, called--she said jaime's caseworker had called and she said "are you sitting down-- her birth family is begging you not to adopt her--they want to meet with you"--i was not surprised-i knew i had heard right

we were very torn--jaime had many many medical problems and many services they would not provide in our home--she would have to be transported a lot--i knew in my heart that if my children had her problems i would still keep them at home--but i also knew if we brought her home her birth parents would most certainly not be in her life- and i really felt jaime would want them in her life

after we met with them - we felt somewhat different about them-- i still could not see how they could have never come to see her--but i also understood that stupid doctors had told them to put her away and forget about her--that they weren't capable of taking care of her--and really that was and is part of the system's problem --they made too much money to get any help with her at home but not enough for some of her needs--it's so messed up

after several visits with jaime and her birth parents - we decided that we would not adopt jaime- but there were two conditions- they had to agree to visit her every week and we would still be able to visit weekly-- they agreed --and until jaime's death at 17, that's what we did -- her birth family came every saturday and us every sunday

i think of jaime so often and wonder if we made the right decision --but mostly i believe we were just asked to be willing to adopt her-- God always knew the healing jaime needed from her birth family and the healing her birth family so needed-- i can still see her smiling face and hear her infectious laugh-- she made a huge difference in our lives and will forever live in our hearts.

isn't it funny

1. isn't it funny how appealing that parking space is that's only maybe 10 feet closer to the store entrance and isn't it funny, how long you will sit and wait for that person to pull out, while they casually finish their phone convo and apply their lipstick---and isn't it funny how successful you feel as you exit your car and catch up to the driver that had to park further out--

2. isn't it funny how your kids remember with startling accuracy all the bad stuff in their childhood, but shake their head in non-recognition at the story you share about their great 6th birthday party, you gave them

3. isn't it funny how excited one can get as you wait on the beach, watching for everyone's safety, constantly counting the kids and grand-kids---you finally have a bright spot, you have discovered some driftwood, only to find out as they all come running to see, that it is just dried dog poop

4. isn't it funny how your spouse can put the scales up 10lbs over and over and how you never fail to fall for it--i know i love it

5. isn't it funny how you think you look pretty good sometimes until you look at the candid picture, some idiot has shot of you and you realize once again, you have a bad side and a worse side

6. isn't it funny how the things the next door neighbor, the delivery guy, the milkman, or a stranger, can say the same thing to your husband that you've been telling him for decades and he listens to them, like they are his personal guru

7. isn't it funny how easy the "i" letter seems until you go to write it and isn't it funny how i thought this would be funny

hot dogs and hamburgers

since today has the promise of 85 degrees and it is "h" day---i can't help but think of cook-outs and summertime---so naturally, hot dogs and hamburgers are on the menu in my head--

we actually don't cook out that much---usually memorial day weekend, which is when we celebrate colin and kelli's birthdays and 4th of july----sometimes labor day----but just in everyday life, we are known to have a hot dog here and there------

as a matter of fact, one of robyn's favorite meals, is my famous "hot dog hash"----now wait, it's better than it sounds----it's cut up hot dogs, potatoes and onions--fried with lots of oil---my mom used to make it quite often---

but today i would like to talk about, the usual way we eat them both, on buns with lots of toppings---

my favorite ways to eat a hot dog on a bun would be between three choices---just mustard and sweet pickle relish---sauerkraut and spicy mustard or cheese and chili-----

when i do entertain with hot dogs and hamburgers, i really get into having these things on my condiment tray----onions, diced and sliced, cheese slices, of course catsup, maybe three kinds of mustards--relish--pickle spears, bread and butter slices--oh and tomatoes-----and mayo for dustin-----lettuce sometimes--

frank would love hot peppers, but we usually don't have them---

so just having a little fun today, thinking of food and family----

tell me, which do you prefer, a hot dog or a hamburger and what do you top them with!

gardenia

i love gardens and flowers, although i am not a gardener---but they beckon to me like a dream lost in mid way--

i especially am fond of the lovely gardenia, and enjoy the fact that it is in the coffee family, tree so to speak--

of course it's amorous fragrance smells nothing like coffee, albeit the intoxication is the same for me-

when we moved to the house we live in now, over 25 yrs ago, we planted a gardenia bush, in our back yard---it never did much of anything, probably because they need lots of humidity and light----

some years later, frank made me a small garden in my front yard, with a beautiful fountain, that is no longer working----there he also planted a gardenia bush--it's location, has proved to be much better----with last year's bush, having the most blooms it has ever adorned---

it is something about the first scents of spring, that always bring me back to the gardenia and i will certainly be drawn to any lotion or perfume, that has just a hint of it's luxury----

in closing my "g" word post, i would love to share one of my favorite songs, at least in my top 20----and btw, if you don't know the movie, this song is from, you might want to look it up---sounds intriguing

familiarity

you know the saying "familiarity breeds contempt"---well this thought has been coming back to me the last couple of days--

you remember in the bible how it said "a prophet is of no honor in his own country"-----and how Jesus was not respected in his own circles----

of course we can say that the people who might be closest to us or that know us more intimately, would have reasons to think differently about us-----well, how did that relate to Jesus---as most anyone would suppose, to know Him was to only see more goodness--

and i am sure that part of the theory has to do with the fact that we would not accept contempt from hardly anyone that was not important in our lives----we for the most part would not care nor be affected-

but in cases, say a movie star or celebrity, this theory would include many nameless faces, as their whole life depends on people, that know little of the real them---accepting them and adoring them

maybe some of the theory could be the fact that as we let someone close enough to see the real us---we hate the reflection of that knowledge in our lives at times

whatever the true meaning of the basic theory, it holds true for most of us, as Jesus told us to be not a "respecter of persons"---we are anything but that----

Easter egg hunt

i have already shared much of my Easter traditions already, but seeing as this is "e" day, i thought you might like to hear a little about our actual Easter egg hunts-

first, you will take note, i said hunts----

the kids hunt first--followed by the kids hiding them for the "big kids"--then everyone hides them for frank---also known as dad or pop pop----

this year we had another kid, defect from the kids group to the "big kids" group----he is my youngest grandson, he will be 11 in june----so he felt he was way too old for the kids group----i wasn't about to disagree!

each year, they become more creative with their hiding skills-----trees, gas tanks--which is no longer allowed---light fixtures---neighbors yards--

i can't tell you how many eggs i have found days and weeks after the egg hunts----

this year's egg hunt being indoors, made for some interesting places as well-----what i can't believe is the fact that so far, i haven't discovered anything broken---although two of the kids crashed into my grandmother's china cabinet----i still haven't investigated too well into that--

this year unlike other years, we had prizes for the different groups---

problem was, it was a big egg, that if you found it, you were the winner

so the egg hunt winner, was not declared by the number of eggs----this was very upsetting to a couple of kids in the "big kids" group---my son colin---who almost always wins and my daughter robyn---

colin had eagerly declared his retrieval of the winning egg and thus stopped hunting-----when robyn made the declaration that she had many more eggs than colin and was still not the winner----well it was a big deal---we finally calmed her down when we told her, that her nephew would have beaten her anyway--

my brother, was part of frank's egg hunt this year----colin tried to give him a couple of eggs to start with, since he was kinda new to this----frank would have none of this and quickly took away bland's starter eggs---frank won-------

i still wish i had done what i was thinking for frank's hunt----but if i don't let him read this, i can do it next year---have him hunt-- non-existent eggs-