e--elusive butterfly

i remember it and i don't----parts are clear and parts are missing---but i will never forget ray----

ray was the younger brother of my oldest sister's husband-- he was only 19---

we, my mom and dad, little brother and other sister, were in our family room watching tv, when my sister and her husband came to the back door---from my seat on the sofa, you could see to the door, who was there--i was excited---they didn't usually come over on a week night especially after dinner time---this was going to be great-

i secretly or so i thought, had a huge crush on my brother in law--so i ran to meet them, throwing my arms around his legs--

as i became aware of others and not just my joy at this special visit, i noticed, my sister was crying---


"ray has been killed in a double murder suicide---i wasn't suppose to hear it all--but mama not knowing what was to be said, couldn't get me out of the room in time--

ray, was so handsome- i had a crush on him too and thought i had a real chance with him- i was pretty certain---he had only been helping a woman, a couple of years older than himself---they worked together- he drove her home

when he walked her to her door her ex husband was there waiting in the hallway of the apartment and shot them both- then killed himself----they said if people could have gotten to them in time they could have been saved---they bled to death---

for the next year, i thought about ray all the time----but the worst part was at night, when i would dream i was awake---there would be this song playing, and it would be coming out of my closet--i would open my closet door and there would be ray standing there, telling me not to be afraid---i was terrified at the start of the dreams---but as they continued, they gave me a peace--ray gave me a peace---

"don't be concerned, it will not harm you, it's only me pursuing somethin' i'm not sure of, across my dreams with nets of wonder, i chase the bright elusive butterfly of love"-----