Different

 I feel different- I feel like I suddenly don’t have a clue who I am

It’s sorta like those dreams where I’m in a car and going somewhere I’m totally familiar with- but then suddenly I can’t find my way back home 

Everything is different now- different is super scary- different is actually terrifying- it almost makes me dizzy

Because this different is disorienting and lousy

Everyone tells me to put a new spin on life- to try new things- to put myself out there

And that would be different for me- but what is it that they say- different doesn’t have to be bad- but this different is different 

Comparison

 What’s that saying- something like comparison being the thief of joy 

Definitely a true statement 

I try these days - really hard- to not compare- not to wonder too much in what might have been or look too closely at someone else’s life

I try very hard to have that “attitude of gratitude “ we all hear about— and it does help 

If I compare my life before with these days- well it doesn’t really compare too well 

If I look in a mirror and compare that young woman- the one who didn’t appreciate her youth- well that doesn’t end well either 

So I try and stay positive and hopeful 

Not wanting to shoot myself in the foot by being a drag for people to be around 

But some days I let myself compare what I feel like on my best days to another person’s maybe worse day and I kinda feel like they might be the same

Before

 I know my first two words are not very interesting or thoughtful but they work for me right now 

Before my husband got sick and ultimately died 

We were planning a beach trip- some of our family was coming 

The year before we had taken a trip to nags head North Carolina- a place I had visited as a child

I had introduced Frank to this beautiful oasis and he came to love it more than me

That last trip- my son Colin and his wife Kelli and their girls- our beautiful granddaughters - had come- it had been years since we had been with them along- Robyn and Miller were of course along too- my son Dustin and his family were not able to come

It was a great trip and a wonderful memory now

Yes before- we were full of plans- and new deck and patio furniture- which Colin and Frank happily put together not even 2 weeks before Frank got sick 

Before there was time to dream- yes we still dreamed 

Time to take for granted that things would continue to be somewhat predictable and comforting 

I’m glad in a way that before was so innocent- because honestly what can we do about the future- only hope for it or dread it

And certainly knowing what lay ahead of us would have taken any joy we had before 

Before marks my life now- like a time I thought I knew what my world  looked like- a time I’d grown accustomed to and didn’t understand before would soon be my past

After

 I wasn’t sure if I would participate in the az challenge this year but I figured it would help me to write 

Today my word is after- after my husband Frank died- I was going to say passed away but that’s much too nice of a word 

Too nice for the agonizing way he died- the horrible covid death 

I never gave much thought that he would go before me- it just seemed like we had lots of years left

My father had died three months before my husband but sad to admit- I was ready for dad’s departure from his aged body- he died at 95- that seems right - that was expected 

How did I still not get - how life isn’t neatly ordered or reasoned 

How did I not stop this somehow- how was it that I allowed my best friend of almost 44 years - to die alone- hooked up to all they had to offer- ravaged beyond recognition of the man I knew and loved

So after that- I really don’t know what to say about after that but I know I breathe deeper and think awful thoughts 

I dare to do some things I enjoy- only to catch myself looking back more often than I ever have

And wondering if after will ever be okay 

Untitled

 I’m wishing today to be picnicking in the sun - like the ones I mostly remember from childhood- maybe more like the occasional family reunion 

I feel the hope of summer and the touch of a warm breeze- I slowly awake to the possibility of a new beginning- a lost chapter that I had forgotten to add in my book

I somehow know that feelings are fleeting and oh so fragile 

We’re reminded not to live in the past nor look too deeply into the unknown- our future 

But I don’t think that’s necessarily true or helpful 

Who’s to say where our happiness rests or which direction it may take us

Is it in a distance recollection or a lofty hope

Do we only exist in the here and now or do we welcome it all

The past the present and the not promised future 

I think one day we will realize that one thing is connected to another- in the most stunning tapestry 

And that life was but a dream that we all were dreaming together 

Alone again

 Today I had to do something for the first time without Frank again

There have been many and will continue- this one I have been dreading 

Since my first daughter Ashley was born with special needs - we have seen the same pediatric neurologist 

Miller sees him too - 

On these visits for Miller- Frank would take the day off to assist— usually Miller would have several doctors appointments in the same day 

Most times- Frank and I would merely wait in a couple of comfy chairs just a floor away from his drs

Frank would walk down to the hospital Starbucks and get us coffee or sometimes I would get hot tea

Always we would venture in the gift shop- perhaps picking up a birthday gift for my aunt or unusual Christmas gift for someone and we would try to find a little toy for Miller 

The majority of the time was spent just chatting about our kids and grandkids- or Frank trying to read to me out of one of the half dozen of books he would bring along 

I don’t particularly care to be read to and he knew it but was ever ready to share the thoughtful things he had noticed and excitedly repeated 

As I planned out today in my heart and head- I knew it would be emotional and sad for me and Robyn 

I have never been to see this dr without Frank by my side- he had been without me at times

I occasionally spoke with this dr in a hospital setting when Frank was not there

So I did it- it was just as hard as I thought it would be but uneventful 

I didn’t cry until I came home

A memory

 The last couple of days I’ve noticed fall is practically here

It’s a bit cooler and the sun seems a bit different 

All of this had me remembering a day long ago

I have to share- there are actually not many days of my childhood that stand out to me or enter the deep recesses of my thoughts 

This day was one that I so often think of

Our church choir leader- I think her name was Betty Russ— she had invited all the choir members and their families to her river cottage for a picnic

It must have been around this time of year— the skies threatened rain and the breezes churned the waters extra rough— it was pretty cool— I think I had jeans on with a long sleeve shirt and a heavy sweater 

I can almost smell the salty air- as the river was part of the Chesapeake Bay 

I remember being outside quite a lot of the time but also how the kids congregated in a small bedroom- where we all took turns 2 or 3 at a time- jumping exuberantly in its tiny twin bed

I don’t recall what I ate that day but I believe everyone brought a covered dish- with our hostess making the main dishes

I can still feel that air- hitting my cheeks and tousling my hair over my face

We climbed the harsh rocks and stood atop - feeling the freedom of the windy paradise 

A day I see in my mind’s eye- full of possibilities and wonder- Making a lasting impression on my heart and senses