Alone again

 Today I had to do something for the first time without Frank again

There have been many and will continue- this one I have been dreading 

Since my first daughter Ashley was born with special needs - we have seen the same pediatric neurologist 

Miller sees him too - 

On these visits for Miller- Frank would take the day off to assist— usually Miller would have several doctors appointments in the same day 

Most times- Frank and I would merely wait in a couple of comfy chairs just a floor away from his drs

Frank would walk down to the hospital Starbucks and get us coffee or sometimes I would get hot tea

Always we would venture in the gift shop- perhaps picking up a birthday gift for my aunt or unusual Christmas gift for someone and we would try to find a little toy for Miller 

The majority of the time was spent just chatting about our kids and grandkids- or Frank trying to read to me out of one of the half dozen of books he would bring along 

I don’t particularly care to be read to and he knew it but was ever ready to share the thoughtful things he had noticed and excitedly repeated 

As I planned out today in my heart and head- I knew it would be emotional and sad for me and Robyn 

I have never been to see this dr without Frank by my side- he had been without me at times

I occasionally spoke with this dr in a hospital setting when Frank was not there

So I did it- it was just as hard as I thought it would be but uneventful 

I didn’t cry until I came home

A memory

 The last couple of days I’ve noticed fall is practically here

It’s a bit cooler and the sun seems a bit different 

All of this had me remembering a day long ago

I have to share- there are actually not many days of my childhood that stand out to me or enter the deep recesses of my thoughts 

This day was one that I so often think of

Our church choir leader- I think her name was Betty Russ— she had invited all the choir members and their families to her river cottage for a picnic

It must have been around this time of year— the skies threatened rain and the breezes churned the waters extra rough— it was pretty cool— I think I had jeans on with a long sleeve shirt and a heavy sweater 

I can almost smell the salty air- as the river was part of the Chesapeake Bay 

I remember being outside quite a lot of the time but also how the kids congregated in a small bedroom- where we all took turns 2 or 3 at a time- jumping exuberantly in its tiny twin bed

I don’t recall what I ate that day but I believe everyone brought a covered dish- with our hostess making the main dishes

I can still feel that air- hitting my cheeks and tousling my hair over my face

We climbed the harsh rocks and stood atop - feeling the freedom of the windy paradise 

A day I see in my mind’s eye- full of possibilities and wonder- Making a lasting impression on my heart and senses 

A song in my heart

I sit and watch a memory- it’s just one day when
Nothing special or very urgent was happening
It softens my breathing and slows my mind

Were I to go back and enter that day- would I feel anything different- was it really what it seems- did it go unnoticed that day

If I look back too long- I can’t take it in- I won’t

If you were here today would we be singing in the rain- messing up the words- recalling our own secret thoughts the familiar notes brought to our hearts

All the world feels strange now- like an old video where the sound is behind- making you have to look closer than you normally would

It didn’t seem that difficult when you were sitting beside me-

How is it all that is gone

space

If you have followed my blog for some time you may recall my post about how I go through the mundane chores such as dishes and laundry—- pairing families of utensils and noting articles of clothing as to their owner

Lately I noticed my assembly of folded laundry had an extra spot for some of Miller’s undershirts— it used to be occupied by Frank’s tshirts- briefs and socks


On June 3rd frank died in the hospital on a ventilator of Covid 19

I realized I just buried the lead on this story

And the irony of my burying the earthly lead in my life does not escape me

I hope my words don’t appear flip or cold- but my senses have been shocked as my world

I still have a very difficult time even believing this has happened

So t thought that just perhaps sharing this with my blogging world might just jar my mind into this horrid reality I find myself in

I miss him so terribly and look for him everywhere- he’ll always be my great love and best friend

So much has changed and will continue to change my entire being

What I would give to not have that extra laundry folding area

Zest Zoom and Zip lock bags

Last year’s Z entry was an attempt to compare a Zip line to life!

This will be another try!!
Too bad the alphabet ends with probably the least used letter- other than poor X

I mean wouldn’t it be nice to go out with a Bang or a Mystery or even a Poem!
But alas I digress- so on with it I go!

You know I don’t think I’ve ever used the zest of a lemon - orange or lime— and why not- I mean it sounds pretty simple but elegant

Zestyness sounds  exciting- something only the adventurous achieve
Most of us preferring to stay with simple salt or pepper

They even have a soap with the name zest- and although it will dry you out- it smells heavenly

Much of life is seen from a distance- obscuring the true view

I don’t know much about photography but one thing I once read about it has stuck with me-there are no bad pictures just ones not taken close enough

Zooming in at just the right moment is the trick- staying focused on your subject- most importantly their essence or what you see as their essence

Not taking your eye off the hidden message the shot holds- just waiting to be captured and caught for all time

And zip lock bags- where shall I begin- life is so much better with a zip lock bag-
Completely serious- it makes life so much easier and tidy but not too tidy- you will have all those baggies sitting around or cluttering up your cabinets

But when you want a little something fresh and tasty- there it is just waiting for you to taste it’s freshness- making it easy to make the correct choice as you can see right through it- no surprises - you get exactly what you want

Now that zest might not be as good in those little see through bags- so make sure and package some things differently- the things that are unexpectedly delicate and close dated



Congratulations to all of you that participated in this year’s  az challenge

May your days be filled with ideas and your pages full
Great job!!

And may I say a special thanks to my loyal blogger friend Betty- your encouragement kept me going!

Yesterday

I’ve written a couple of poems about yesterday

But today I keep coming back to this for my Y blog
And why- I’m not sure

Yesterday is gone they say but in a very real way it’s not- wouldn’t it be nice if some yesterdays were gone for good- never to be thought of again - only if we could redo the thing that holds the horrible consequences of some yesterdays

Sometimes yesterday is a comfort in retrospect- knowing it’s behind us and done with

Some things if you didn’t get to yesterday you can easily finish today or even tomorrow
But you’ll never know if it might have been better done yesterday

Yesterday we might have felt like doing whatever but today that feeling is missing somewhere in yesterday

Don’t let your yesterdays control your todays though- even yesterday wouldn’t want that

So plan for your future yesterdays- knowing that a sorrowful look back at yesterday is inevitable but a grateful heartfelt glimpse is always welcomed

X-ray of the heart

Yes there are many ways doctors have to view the heart
To see if it’s healthy- whether it needs medical attention

Our real secret heart does not have the ability to be seen or examined

God only truly knows our heart’s intentions and desires
Thank goodness right!

Keeping one’s heart soft is important and necessary for wholeness
A hard heart repels the light that seeks to enter and warm

“The heart is a lonely hunter”
But lonely can embrace a fragile heart or cut off the flow of life

An X-ray of the heart would only expose us to more pain and condemnation- which there is no more in Christ

And if the wrong person were to read the results- it could easily be misconstrued or unnecessarily corrected

So the heart doesn’t need an X-ray- only our careful watch over it and a healthy opening of it

What do you Want

Isn’t it odd how we are asked that question so much in life— what do you want for dinner— what do you want to be when you grow up- what do you want from me!

As we grow and change and resign at times— we decide we want different things or mostly we settle for not we want but glad to not get what we don’t want

We can definitely be influenced in what we want- more like what we think everyone else wants-  so it must be on our list too

Do we want things until we get them or do we get them only to discover we didn’t even know we wanted them

Do you want world peace or at the moment that last piece of chocolate fudge cake

Do you want what you can’t have
Do you want it if it takes much effort

What if we got everything we thought we wanted
Is there an end to want

And here’s one of those quotes for ya
“ you can’t always get what you want- but if you try sometimes-well you might find you get what you need”

the Vegetable stand

 Nothing feels more like summer to me than passing by a vegetable stand and better yet stopping

I love it all- the lush local tomatoes- the fragrant cantaloupes and the silky corn

And oh how I adore it when I can find butter beans that haven’t been shelled

And the homemade jams and jellies and if you’re lucky pickles!

The flowers and plants really catch my summer fever too— they always manage to have the most beautiful geraniums- which keep tempting me though I don’t have much luck with them

Visiting the vegetable stands makes me adventurous in my selections - but sadly sometimes they go home to rot

Oh how I love to come upon ones that have their own baked goods- some of them are almost like visiting a farmers market

I will never forget stopping by one of our favorite stands with two of our grandsons- letting them pick out flavored honey sticks and ice cold drinks- the soda pop kind- out of an old coke ice chest

I plan to stop in lots more this summer
And I hope it’s a hot day-  with decorative flags flapping in the mild breeze
While I pick out all the colorful fruits and vegetables we can hopefully use
Possibly making a cobbler of those fat blackberries in those adorable cartons

Taking it all in as the cashier puts my purchases in a crisp brown bag
I might just have to eat one of the luscious peaches before I put my seatbelt back on

Used to

We are all guilty of things we hold onto - things we’ve gotten used to

Some are merely comforting habits
Like how I have my section of our sectional sofa- doesn’t feel right to sit anywhere else

The bathroom I prefer - and not just because it’s downstairs but lots of little things- its configuration - the way that particular toilet flushes- okay I’ll get off of that! Haha see what I did!!

I am used to the way I fold clothes-  but I’ll let anyone do it their way - I’m not crazy

I’m used to my eight little dolls/animals sleeping with us
I’m also used to this weird blanket I recently bought- being on top of our comforter even though I don’t much like it—

I’m used to having a few peanut butter crackers before bed and my frozen waffles with cream cheese and sugar free strawberry jam for breakfast

I am very fond of my oversized Santa mug- using it everyday

Whatever brings us joy or consistency can become a used to thing

It’s a yearning in us to have things we can count on - things we can feel comfortable doing and things that don’t challenge us but are there waiting for us in soothing tones

And how remarkable the short  time it takes to get used to it
Like do you find yourself on a week’s vacation- maybe telling someone else— that’s how we did this or that each day- it’s like we search for things to get used to

It’s a good thing we so easily adapt at what we are used to — cause like my mother often would tell us— “old man used to’s dead and gone”

Teachable moments

With school being out - I know a lot of parents are worried about many aspects of their children’s life

They all mostly miss school- their teachers- their friends
Their routines- the parents’ freedom haha

I worry my grandkids won’t want to go back to school-
I also worry their goals won’t stay the same- but I know that doesn’t have to be a bad thing

I kinda worry for the school system- for some they have discovered learning at home is working for their family
And even the schools and universities just might realize they could be effective online

It is surely a time to teach new subjects and new ways to teach old ones

I’m sure lots of parents are getting a crash refresher course in many subjects
Which could lead them to a new occupation or interest

Our “regular” teachers are sure finding new and exciting ways to communicate and keep up with their students— I bet so many kids are only now realizing how much most teachers care about them

We can learn from anything and everything- and as we do let’s share the information like never before

Saving things

Most of my life I have saved things— now I’m not a hoarder by any stretch of the imagination- no I am referring to saving things like my good clothes for church or that other special occasion

Now with nowhere to go and hardly anyone to see us - we are faced with the clothes staying in our closet or putting them on in our everyday use

Kinda hard for me— once again I refer to my grandmother Queenie— you would have thought my grandmother was incapable of looking good

But if you caught a glimpse of her on her way to church or a funeral- you might not have recognized her- as they say- she cleaned up real well!

I tend to wear the same few pairs of worn out black pants and a handful of roomy tops- the ones I can wear without the dreaded bra

But recently I’ve ventured into my closet- picking out a Sunday best outfit as an everyday frock
Now mind you I don’t only have my grandmother’s example
My mother mostly wore her “housecoat” around the house
I too would likely wear them if you could find them these days

I’m trying to tell myself- you don’t have to save this or that- and to remember if I do wear it - hey I can wash it right!

When I was a kid I used to beg my mother to let me wear my church shoes out to play and most days you would find me in an older dress when going out to explore or swing
I always looked forward to Easter time - in part because I knew I’d be getting new shoes and would have a few months I could wear my old good shoes every day  before they wouldn’t fit

So obviously as a child I didn’t have that save it thing in my brain

These days should teach us this easy lesson if nothing else- don’t wait for tomorrow - use it today- wear it just because-

Heck the next time I actually see people I might just be wearing that bathing suit I always thought I would wear—
Okay I hear ya—- SAVE it please!

Rest

We all seem to have a bit more time for rest and reflection these days
Time to ponder life’s great mysteries and time to rearrange our living rooms

Isn’t it funny - all the things we told ourselves we wanted to do and would do if we had the time—- well—- you can finish that obvious thought

But now we should rest more- rest also boosts the immune system
It allows us to dream and regroup

And although some or most of those long neglected projects will still go unattended
You just might find you are really more interested in another project or direction

Some old dreams may have their time to resurface in a different direction

As we rest - we admit we are human and still childlike in areas and perhaps have been given a new chance to feed that little child in us

To offer the hope our day to day existence sometimes eats away

So rest when you can- rest your mind body and soul
Knowing that you will be okay along with the rest of us

Quotes

I don’t typically do blogs like this one but I thought it might be kinda fun

Everyone has their favorite lines from movies that they love to quote- I know my family sure does!

But for today I’m gonna stick with song lines!

Some of our choices

1. There ain’t no future in the past
2. You can’t even run your own life I’ll be damned if you’ll run mine
3. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose
4. And all your money won’t another minute buy
5. You gotta know when to hold em know when to fold em
6. Bet ya my golly wow
7. If I could save time in a bottle
8. You know it don’t come easy
9. Girls just wanna have fun
10. Who let the dogs out

I hope you recognize the songs these are taken from

What sticks with each of us is often something that resonates or maybe just a catchy turn of words and rhythms

Often with me it’s the pure message or the energy behind the stanza or line

In our families we all have people we quote and things we repeat through the generations -
The meanings only of interest or reference to that particular family

But songs and movies- history - the Bible- pop culture
Some stay- some fall by the fashion of time

What are some of your favorite quotes
And do you think one day anyone will be quoting you!

Pauses

We all need pauses in life- to capture our thoughts or change them
A pause can save a life even ours

A brief pause can help us make an important decision without regret of a hasty outcome

Pausing before speaking makes our words more thoughtful and able to convey the correct message
To pause is to choose to see - to act rather than react

If we pause long enough we may find we have gone in a new direction or tone
The pause both protects and strengthens us


We pause to pray - we pause to hear— we pause to release that last bit of deeply held breath

If we don’t pause we just might miss something beautiful and unexpected- a chance encounter or a random occurrence

Pausing can release you from failure or prepare you for it
Whatever causes you pause today- welcome it with gratefulness

Opposites - do they really attract?

I think my husband and I are fairly opposite
He’s an extrovert and well I’m not
He’s a bit of a procrastinator and I’m early to a fault- getting things I like to do or hate- over as fast as I possibly can

I think opposites that work- tend to mesh into some blend of each

But the ying and yang can work too- as long as they are kindred spirits

Like Lennon and McCartney or Martin and Lewis

I once read an article about self awareness or something like that— it said if you had a healthy view of yourself then you would want a best friend just like you

I can see that to a point- maybe a friend that only has your good sides

I wonder if we go looking for our opposite- or simply that we are drawn to what we think we are lacking in

What if we really aren’t that opposite from anyone- just different in certain areas—

I have a theory— the “opposites”- that don’t work out - might have been a reflection of what a person hates about themself— and simply can’t live with someone who is a constant challenge
Something like we tend to go back to what is comfortable

If opposites truly do attract then that does give hope to many searching for that soulmate
That maybe their soul could accept diversity and depth of understanding of another human being that begins as a complete stranger

a Name is a Name ?

I’m thinking about all of my eight children and how we came to their names
The first one was after my father- there was much debate on the middle but I finally gave in and let Frank pick  it— that child was called by his middle name until around 16 or so- he decided to go by a nickname of his first name
Second son was named after one of my favorite soap opera characters- with a middle name I stole from a good friend!
Third was after my mother and her favorite movie- gone with the wind

Fourth was after my grandmother and a friend- but she was called by a name suggested by a neighborhood kid!
Fifth was just because I liked the name - his middle name was a last minute change after my brother

Number six and seven were in my back to basic and old fashioned simple names- with number six’s middle name after her sister- and in part number seven was influenced by a popular children’s train character
And actually number eight was named by her two oldest brothers- first name after one of said brothers- middle after other brother’s favorite band!

Not sure where people are getting their name choices from these days— it seems to be a mixture of older ones and unusual ones

It’s very strange how you hear a name you’re never heard before- not even sure how to spell it then bam it’s everywhere and with unnumbered ways to spell it

I don’t think people tend to name kids after people as much now a days-

I remember one of my friends didn’t name her baby for about a week

So does a good name bring success- does a hard to pronounce one cause a child problems or make it feel unique

I guess it can be a kindness at times to have a nickname- as they aren’t always a shortened version but more of what people think of once they know you

I wonder if it might have been a better idea to keep each child’s middle name blank letting them pick it out when they are older

My name was going to be Nora Ellen- a name I’ve often fancied would have made all the difference

So is a rose still a rose
Perhaps— but could it have been a tulip had it been allowed to open enough

the quarantine Munchies

Honestly a lot of the junk food I will likely mention today started long before said quarantine

As many are unable to do too much to keep our minds off food - the quest for the satisfying treat of choice has become sort of a pastime

Whether it be sweet or savory- we are on the hunt

I know for us- right up there with the precious toilet paper and hand sanitizer— our household would not be complete without veggie straws -combos- and the beloved unappreciated bugles (only original of course!)

Sweets but lower in sugar content are a must- I’ve found a new respect for the animal cracker/ plain iced or chocolate
And pray tell me who the heck decided to discontinue those yummy cookie packs that  little Caesar’s pizza used to give out!!

The lava cake had been a staple as has been my carb smart vanilla ice cream! And never ever ever be without your sugar free cool whip!

I think I am going to eat more popcorn— note to self- see if I can order one of those popcorn makers that use oil— really the way to go

And has anyone recently tried those surprisingly good osyter crackers- kids love them

The frozen family size entrees have proved to be very handy and something the stores don’t seem to be under stocked with

Try to avoid the chips and heavy stuff- cause we will all be leaving the house at some point— we don’t want all these delish coping items cost us a whole new wardrobe

Lily

My grandmother Queenie had an older sister- my great aunt Lily

She lived with my grandmother for all the time I knew her

She had suffered a stroke - sometime before I was born- the signs were still there as she had weakness on one side and always used a crutch
Funny I can’t be certain of the side but I want to say it was her left side

Lily never had children but my father was the apple of her eye- my dad even lived with her for a while- preferring to stay where he had lived with her and his parents before they built a new home just down the road

For some reason she had a real soft spot for me— I always thought I was her favorite niece
As I was a bit ill behaved she would say to me as our visit was over “ try to be good love”
And I did— when tempted not to I could hear her words and sometimes they would stop me

She would have a Hershey chocolate bar for each of us when we left and would sneak me a dollar most times

I remember her long back rubs she would give me as everyone visited on the front porch
I remember how her voice sounded muffled and vibrating as my head lay in her lap

Because of her stroke she was always cold - she’d be wearing her thick white sweater-
As we arrived for our visits - there she would be sitting in her chair right next to the wood burning cook stove— actually I would get a glimpse of her as i started up the stairs- she was watching through the window smiling happily

Every child should be so fortunate to have someone like aunt Lily in their life- their childhood- someone who when you recall them - you remember how they made you feel important and most of all unconditionally loved

Kindness

Right now we all need a little more kindness and an ability to see the places that can use our simple kindnesses

It’s easy to feel we need to protect our own interests and to fear the stretch outwards will deplete our limited supply

A phone call - a card- a prayer- a distancing visit— a delivery

And just not judging one another is an underestimated gift to others
Listening is of value like never before
And educating one’s self is a must- trying not to speak too quickly about our opinions and distance advice

Share the fun stuff when you can- your easy recipe— perhaps a song old nanny had written long ago

Yes I did that with my grandkids- if they thought they were awful- they hid it very well— I’m sure it took them by surprise- occupying them for at least an afternoon

This is the time to put yourself out and out there
To extend every and any kindness you would like yourself

Don’t do it for this but it does come back to you in the most unexpected ways

the Joy ride

We like to go riding- there has been much joy in our weekly “pizza quest “

That is something we started way back when our little angels were with us

We still continue the tradition

As a matter of fact our family has spent many happy times just riding together in the car

Sometimes they had a purpose- like trying to find that old house or Frank taking my oldest son back to his university most weekends- his brother joining in— with chili dogs promised and Beastie Boys blasting— I never went but have held the picture in my heart’s eye

They say the real trip is the journey or something like that

And I certainly know that to be true

I remember one time heading out of state for one of Robyn’s dance competitions— listening with tears in my eyes as Glen Campbell sang my favorite “Galveston”
Knowing I would forever recall that moment

I’ve always liked being in the car— eating in the car - and daydreaming as the trees went by and the houses looked cozy

Playing my game in my head- whose house is this- something I may explain in another post

Simple things stay in my heart and soul- and not much rivals the family joy rides

In search of the Ice cream cone

The other day we went through the drive-thru at our local McDonald’s
We were so looking forward to that soft serve vanilla ice cream but in a cone mind you
As we are ordering- the young man says -“ we can’t sell ice cream cones any longer”- my husband asked why - he informs us that it is not a contained food- he does not offer us the ice cream in a cup- only a milkshake— which btw has a whole lot more sugar— we politely pass on the milkshakes

We decide it must just be this one - after all they are each a franchise
We travel down the street
We order through the speaker- holding out hope for the beloved cones— he says the same thing but does say we can have our soft serve delicacy in a cup-we eagerly agree

As the second window employee is handling our cups of ice cream he sneezes and coughs- trying to capture it in his shirt poor thing

Frank is reaching for the tray when I apologize that we cannot take those cups of ice cream from him
I assure him it is not his fault and to please be well and safe

His manager comes to the window- she offers to make us new ones— by now I’m telling Frank “just go go!”

My husband is hesitant because he has paid for them— under my breath I tell him he better not ask for his money back!

I let them know again- so sorry it’s not you it’s us!

We drive off- knowing there’s an ironic lesson here but sure missing that ice cream

Hope

I wrestled with the thought of hope
What it meant- how to share it
Was it something that I need invent or not a tangible thing

Would I recognize the lack of hope or the weakening release of it

Could it be that hope increases without effort somehow appearing at the destitute moments
Why would we ever choose to be without it

As I sank into this desperate search to understand the meaning of hope- I paused to check if it was still there around me
And as I tried to feel its presence- I realized it was beyond my power

Grandmal

First- yes I titled this blog post grandmal— that’s what we called both of my grandmothers

It seems I’ve written much about my grandmother Queenie but not a lot about my mother’s mother- my grandmal Miller

My grandmother was an RN - which was really unusual in those days
I remember her white nurse’s dress- white stockings and shoes and her neat little nurse’s cap
She was a tall woman and sturdy built- in her uniform she could be quite intimidating

But what I think more about her is the way she cooked and her great love of fixing a meal for anyone that happened to come by
Her fried chicken could rival kfc and her chicken chow mein could stand up to any Asian restaurant
Including the sticky rice

She had a soft heart and a forgiving spirit like no other I knew-

We grandchildren took great pleasure in teasing her- she had a funny way of saying certain words- like coconut and pizza pie- it would send us into laughter - to which she would say “ I would rather someone spit in my face than to laugh at me “— to which we would laugh even harder

She loved her flowers— fishing— her soap operas- or rather her “stories “

She nursed one of her many sisters in her home and my grandfather- she had a true servant’s heart

As I think of her I can’t help but see her as I would approach her porch - where I could see through her door straight through her shotgun house- sitting at her dining room table playing herself at scrabble - and probably still cheating

my Father

I don’t know that this may be of much interest to the reader but I found myself wanting to write about my father anyway

Of course I’ve given my father much thought during these last few months and maybe more since his recent death

I find that I try and remember little things about my dad- for instance- my dad only ate the runny yoke of an egg- using his dry toast to soak it up- I always thought it was pretty disgusting but now find the vivid memory a colorful simple reminder

My dad rarely wore shorts and didn’t care too much for the beach- although we went every summer- leaving on a Thursday and returning on Sunday- always after attending the local church that early morning

My father stopped smoking years ago— but before he quit completely he would allow himself three cigarettes a day-one after each meal

He didn’t talk much— I would have to say- the first year or so after his dementia appeared- we talked more than all the other years combined

He was tight with a dollar and once gave a robber only half what was in his wallet

My father hardly ever complained and it wasn’t until I was grown I realized my daddy never did like his work

My dad would read his newspaper cover to cover but didn’t care much for reading books

My father loved bridge mix candy and would always get himself a small bag of it on our weekend trips to Sears and Roebuck

Although he grew up in the country with a big garden and lots of chickens— he didn’t care for any of that— and even being a good Baptist- he did not like chicken

So many memories so many feelings but I think I will forever see my dad through my childhood eyes and hold him there always

Eternal

As the years are creeping up on me I have given a substantial amount of thought to eternity and heaven

Now mind you I am not trying to get into spiritual beliefs in this brief entry but more a thought I’ve had about heaven and what we may be able to do there

I was wondering if we might be permitted to enter any given day in our lives- probably only the good days or memories

That we could live it over again or just watch it like a movie

Or relive it and make a change here or there
Or see something we missed in that memorable day or event-something that could have altered many factors

Almost like a game revealing the great mystery of our lives

I wonder too if we can watch moments in our families story- like weddings of people before us

I hope if we want we can enter those bad days and change the story
Not like then it will matter- but because we want to

these Dreams

If you know me or my blog you will know I have certain dreams- ones that I dream all the time- a few dreams that seem to be a forewarning and some that actually later come true

I recently had a dream that was disturbing to say the least
So troubling that I sent what I could recall of the dream to my sister who was in the dream
I asked her if it meant anything to her but it did not

It involved people coming after me and watching me
There was a pizza place in the city where I live— my father and a baby seat that went in circles
Embedded on a card that came with the seat was a movie I could watch

In the movie or more like a family home video- my sister was having a birthday party or perhaps a baby shower

This old baby seat had been (in my dream) a gift that hadn’t gotten to my sister- from like 30-40 years before

I know there was much more in the dream that I couldn’t remember-

Oh and if you are already a reader you may be interested to know that the “third floor” dreams are alive and well

the Census

A few years ago I started searching my family history - I really didn’t get as much information as I thought I would- for the most part if you didn’t have the right questions you wouldn’t get far

One bit of history revealed a mystery to this day
It came from an old census of my grandmother’s family
It seems there was a sister my grandmother had — she only appears in two years census and at the last one she was nine years old

When I discovered this - there was virtually no one to ask about who she was and what had happened to her

My father who was already losing much of his short term memory— still had a great deal of his long term memory— as I inquired if he remembered any stories about what would have been his aunt— he had no recognition of her

Her name was in one was Fannie but the other one listed her as Tunnie- which I assumed was perhaps a nickname

We visited the church cemetery where much of her family is buried- no sign of Tunnie

I wondered if she might have been buried on her parents property which was not in our family any longer

this summer I’m thinking of going to the place where her house once stood and try and find some marker or grave

Had it not been for that old old census record I would have never known of little Tunnie but now she is forever in my heart

The blackberry cobbler

I’ve mentioned my grandmother’s blackberry cobbler before — it’s calling to me this morning

It’s not just the wonderful deliciousness of it but the feelings and memories it evokes

My grandmother’s cobbler was accompanied by a creamy warm lemon sauce- mostly I enjoyed it by itself
On a clear look back I really have to say it was not my favorite dessert my grandmother made
But one that captures the essence of that sweet time in my life

I’ve never made it myself but have tried to recapture it’s moments through various frozen imposters and some rather good bakery attempts

Maybe if the bees are buzzing just right and the wind catches the allure of the honeysuckle

If uncle Elwin were there chewing on a toothpick while my boys were making that old porch swing creak

And if I could go back and was offered my choice of sweet endings to my dinner- perhaps I’d pick the blackberry cobbler over all the other cakes and pies - and when my grandmother asked about the lemon sauce I’d say oh yes please

After

After

Hello again blogging world- good to be with you for another az challenge -I must admit after participating last year I haven’t written much

My word today after- reflects my moods and thought patterns lately

My 95 years old father died March 1st - it was expected but the situation that brought him to that place was kind of sudden

After his funeral- I just knew there would be plenty of time for thoughtful reminiscing and insightful memories of his life and our relationship

But as all of us know- something else crept into our existence recently that has taken much of our time and energy— clouding up any ideas we may have had about anything else

Of course I think of and miss my father and I’m grateful that he passed away far enough from this global tragedy- to allow people to congregate and mourn his passing at least for some amount of time

In our minds we put endings on much of life- after this after some waiting occasion or ordeal— we will deal with certain things or allow ourselves to breathe a sigh of effort out

After all what is life but one moment after another - one second of complete joy two seconds of darkness— all in rotating splendor of the brevity of after