Voices

 Okay- I’m kinda stretching this one-

Miller is always telling me- you sound like whoever- I don’t know what makes him think that or just why- 

Maybe it’s the inflection or tone- it’s usually one of three people-

Isn’t it funny how most people say they hate the sound of their own voice- they sometimes insist- it’s a distortion and they refuse to admit they sound a certain way-

Someone recently told me that they were no longer singing in their choir- it made me sad- but they said- one has to know when it’s time to go-

I guess I knew what they meant but I found it sad-

Okay since this is a blog- I’m going to end this with a bit of lost continuity-

I kidd you not- Miller loves me to read my blog to him- this morning he was once again telling me how much he loves my blog-

He continues to exclaim how much he enjoys it- he says “I love the way you write- it’s kinda weird”-

I laughed- I repeat- weird?- and in the sweetest voice he softly asked-“do you think it’s kinda weird”

Usually

 I still usually have a frozen waffle for breakfast-

I’ve been thinking of the habits and little rituals we become accustomed to- and how Frank and I were so comfortable together- and passionate- haha don’t gag - my kids- which I still don’t think they read my blog- haha- except for Robyn- who reads it aloud to me- so I can decide if I like it-

Anyway- I still hold out some hope that I could marry again- but at this stage in the game- well let’s just say- I’m not at all sure- that anyone would have time enough- to get used to my usually-

But I am not picky- I feel I could look the other way on a lot of usually-

When Frank passed away- at least I was a few years younger- but I guess most likely of the people I would have a head start on being comfortable with- were either dead too - or taken-

Frank and I used to talk about who we might end up with- if the other died first- I don’t remember him ever saying who he picked out for me-

I believe I had picked out an old friend of mine- who had never married-

I guess we should have been more mindful and made one of those lists- alerting the new picked spouses- that they had indeed been chosen- so if they refused- we could keep on the lookout-

I’m usually more thorough-

Tomorrow never comes

 I settled on a musing today about tomorrow- hopefully not a sad one- but a mysterious one for sure 

We all get- “we make our plans and God laughs” 

I don’t really see God laughing but maybe feeling a little sorry for us- perhaps-

You gotta admit- we humans are made pretty wonderfully- still believing in a future- one that is not known to us here and not promised-

We hold onto hope and joy and accept the uncertainties of our mostly brief journey here- 

It’s rather admirable I think- and it makes me believe in a higher power all the more-

I’ve written before about the tomorrow being the ahead of us and so on- how tomorrow is past present and future- and admittedly- at times it’s simply terrifying- and yet there it sits - just waiting for us- waiting to be a fond memory- or just as easily an unfulfilled desire- or a demon we didn’t have to deal with-

In the end- all our tomorrows could be one long today-

Surprises

 I love surprises- but hopefully I have a gentle inkling- as to not have things too messy etc!

But generally I do enjoy a good old surprise!-

I used to always think Frank was going to throw me a party- or some grand gesture- that would blow me away!-

But honestly- Frank was not a big surpriser or gift giver for that matter-

I’m not too interested in surprises these days- unless it’s a delivery haha-

As I write this post- I’m realizing- I’ve shared about some of Frank’s surprises- good ones and bad ones- this didn’t start out to be about Frank haha-

I do recall almost always expecting something great to happen- especially since I was a full time wife and mother- the expectation involved- Frank getting a promotion- a raise- or just any tidbit of exciting news!-

Much of my enjoyment of surprises- comes from my childhood- most days when my dad returned from work- he was greeted by my brother hiding and jumping out at him- it could be from the top of the utility room freezer or under the bathroom cabinets- my dad came to expect the little shenanigans of his only boy and youngest child- he didn’t even flinch!

And my brother definitely inherited this from my mom- who was quite often hiding too -

Now my surprises mainly involve some happy event or the culmination of a dream that one of my children or grandchildren have realized-

So I’ll still get pleasure from a good surprise- just hint a little so I can straighten up!-

Rose colored glasses

 I’ve been trying out different sunglasses and some of them work better than others- I guess you could say that they put a pleasant tint to my vision- if not always rose colored-

I have had lots of eye issues- actually since Frank died- but this recent cranial palsy- was a new diagnosis for me-

At first it was diagnosed as a cranial palsy of a certain number nerve- but later the specialist gave me better news- it was not the nerve the other doctor thought-

It should go away I was told- and the time varied from several months to a couple of years-

The double vision and severe light sensitivity were pretty debilitating - much of the healing has taken place though-

I’m still in need of my rose colored glasses- but feeling a lot better- even the headaches have lessened quite a bit-

Before my ER visit- which the first dr sent me to- I was starting to prepare myself to becoming totally blind- which I was told- could be any time-

I thought about the world I wouldn’t be seeing perhaps- and honestly- I was devastated but at peace too-

Now as I mainly interact with people- I am wearing sunglasses- it softens everyone and everything I see- it reminds me to not only stop and smell the roses- but to take each opportunity to caress each face- in the soft rosy veil of thankfulness 

Quickly

 In light of my being a long term planner- it might be paradoxical that I am a person that wants things done yesterday-

I tend to say in my head- let’s be quick about whatever- let’s make a decision- no room for stragglers or wishywashy people around here-

Like I’ve shared- if on time I’m late-

Let’s organize this- let’s get things moving-

But actually on second thought the lists and planning could go hand in hand with quickly- like after one thing- it’s onto planning another-

I think my mother gave me this trait- certainly not my dad- he was still in the house while we were all in the car - waiting to go to church- mom was blowing the car horn!

Yet if anyone of us kids were nearing our curfew- he would be pacing the floor- biting his fingernails- until we were safely home

I am trying to be more aware of quickly- like what’s the rush- 

If it’s something bad- it will still be coming- and if it’s something not bad- then maybe we have something to still look forward to-

Part time window box

 Back when Frank and I were first married- our tv would only get PBS channel-we basically only watched cooking shows- upstairs downstairs and Monty python-

Hence this entry today- one of the jokes - someone asked what occupation they had - he replied- he was a part time window box- that cracked us up- and still does me-

And we laughed often at the running skit about the disagreement room- no this is the contradiction room- I’m sure I’m not recalling it correctly and you had to be there!

A much different scene today- with so many shows- network- streaming- mini series-

Sometimes Robyn and I forget what we had been watching-

I’ve shared before my guilty pleasure of reality tv- I still enjoy quite a few of them -

One type of show I don’t particularly care for are game shows- but I’ll watch the wheel and jeopardy- as Miller loves them-

Back to the only PBS days- because of those limited shows - we developed a real love of cooking shows that found us huddled together on Saturdays- watching them as we had our coffee-

I still like them- especially the pioneer woman and the kitchen-

Downton Abbey was another favorite of ours- reminding us of upstairs downstairs of course-

I also enjoyed the nature shows- I don’t think Frank did as much- I still can get caught up in them- definitely if it’s about birds or Alaska-

Not sure if I’d like to go back to that one channel choice- but oh how I would love to hear Frank’s laugh as he repeated- “part time window box”