i was just sitting on my sofa sipping my coffee when it suddenly hit me, that i wanted to write--that i thought i had something to say-- here is what i think it is (kinda)------
january is the month of dread--also the month of endless dreams, of plans that may or may not take place----it's kinda like that list that you made a while back and crumpled the paper into a tight ball, threw it in the corner and never quite came over to pick it up and toss it, because----because maybe just perhaps, you could actually accomplish some of those crazy lofty ideas you had floating around in that autumn brain of yours--ideas that quickly lost value when compared to the heavy duty of the endless holiday, Christmas season---the list that was always there for someday
and january is that someday, today---within january's dark endless days, days where all you want to do is eat waffles and sleep on the sofa and breath in and out, till the next day passes---days when you don't want to think of the junk room that is now two junk rooms or the cloudiness that lies in the sky and your weighty head-
but alas the cold air comes at you like a dare, a dare to do something, anything--to change something, to believe in something again, anything, everything, someone--
so january sits before me and beckons me on, and whispers to me--it won't always be this way-love me enjoy me, i am only thirty-one days, don't hate me---i could have been june, would that have changed me, would you dread me any less--
so i uncrumple the paper, rub the cynicism from my watery eyes and read the thought of an eager heart, that heart of autumn--and discover the heart is the same, the list still distinguishable and i go on to trust that this january too will pass but this time i will watch as it does
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Autumn of the Heart-chapter 5
Kit had been very content here at the cottage but it was time she headed back to the city.
She missed little bono so much and still couldn't shake the guilt of forgetting him.
Is that how it was anyway, we forget the ones closest to us, always thinking they will be there. No Kit knew better than that, she had lost so many people in her relatively short life.
She took one long silent walk along the cold shore. Kit loved it here, this time of year. She was never the sun bathing type, no she preferred the cold Autumn trips her family would take when her father could manage the time away from work.
Kit's dad was a doctor. His family practice was quite large. These times at the cottage were the longest stretch of time, she would ever get to spend with her father. She adored her father and when he left, it destroyed her, in more than one way. Kit's mother blamed her husband for Kit's early promiscuity and she was most likely right.
Kit looked over the bay and let her mind wonder to the kiss. The first one, the first real one. Bradley was the most handsome older boy at the shore. Every girl hoped she would get to make-out or at least hold his hand on one of those famous, dance nights, the bay community would throw. Each Friday night dozens of preteens and teens would gather on the sand, roasting hot-dogs and marshmallows. There would be tapes playing over a loud speaker and sometimes, Bradley himself would serenade them all with his rock and roll voice, singing the heart sinking ballads of the day.
How Kit wished she could relive some of those days. Only some of them. Not the ones where she cried herself to sleep each night, when Bradley ended up marrying a girl that had become pregnant. He had done the right thing. Why couldn't he have been her baby's father, then she would have never made that horrible choice. She knew she had better stop this crazy lamenting. Life was as it was now and the sooner she let go of all the past, the better off she would be, deep inside she knew this.
Coming here always did this to Kit, maybe she shouldn't have come after all.
Kit threw out the last of the spoiled things in the frig, fluffed the last pillow, on the comfy sofa before covering it. She felt bad she had not even visited the "Captain" since their encounter the first morning. She would take him over the milk and cookies and other various things from the frig.
The "Captain's" place still looked the same. Even as a child it looked as though it needed painting. His green thumb was well known, she reached down to smell the last of the roses. He would always win first prize for his elegant roses. Kit's mother always tried but never could quite compete.
Kit knocked gently on the old weathered screen door. No answer. She could see the wooden door was cracked, so she called out "oh Captain, my Captain, where art there my Captain" as they would often do as children. Still no answer. Kit's arms full, she gingerly pulled the screen door open and pushed the other one with her foot. Milk dropped, spilling out of the cap she had too loosely replaced, evidently. She let go of the other things in the bags. She hurried forward, tripping over the ruined groceries. "Captain, Captain, Captain". Tears filled her unbelieving eyes, she cried. She cried just like she did that first day, when he told her he had cancer. She touched him, he was cold cold and rigid and gray. How long had he been there. Why hadn't she come to check on him. She didn't know, she guessed she had seriously thought he would come by, her place before she left. There was no time for anymore of these self indulgent thoughts.
The rescue squad said he had probably been dead for three or four days. Kit lightly kissed his forehead, before they removed him from his home, not his summer place not his weekend get-away, but his beloved home. As she left, she saw on the counter, a mixing bowl, and a bag of pecans. Was he actually making her the famous sandy pecan cookies, all of the kids remembered.
She walked down the shore once more. She stepped on the old rotten boat, still there after all this time. She removed her sweater, wrapping it around her shoulders, like a cape. "Captain oh my dear dear Captain, you will be remembered, remembered for your roses, remembered for your sandy pecan cookies, but mostly for being the Captain of your bay kids crew" she tossed one of his roses out into the vast waters and watched as it drifted so gently away.
She missed little bono so much and still couldn't shake the guilt of forgetting him.
Is that how it was anyway, we forget the ones closest to us, always thinking they will be there. No Kit knew better than that, she had lost so many people in her relatively short life.
She took one long silent walk along the cold shore. Kit loved it here, this time of year. She was never the sun bathing type, no she preferred the cold Autumn trips her family would take when her father could manage the time away from work.
Kit's dad was a doctor. His family practice was quite large. These times at the cottage were the longest stretch of time, she would ever get to spend with her father. She adored her father and when he left, it destroyed her, in more than one way. Kit's mother blamed her husband for Kit's early promiscuity and she was most likely right.
Kit looked over the bay and let her mind wonder to the kiss. The first one, the first real one. Bradley was the most handsome older boy at the shore. Every girl hoped she would get to make-out or at least hold his hand on one of those famous, dance nights, the bay community would throw. Each Friday night dozens of preteens and teens would gather on the sand, roasting hot-dogs and marshmallows. There would be tapes playing over a loud speaker and sometimes, Bradley himself would serenade them all with his rock and roll voice, singing the heart sinking ballads of the day.
How Kit wished she could relive some of those days. Only some of them. Not the ones where she cried herself to sleep each night, when Bradley ended up marrying a girl that had become pregnant. He had done the right thing. Why couldn't he have been her baby's father, then she would have never made that horrible choice. She knew she had better stop this crazy lamenting. Life was as it was now and the sooner she let go of all the past, the better off she would be, deep inside she knew this.
Coming here always did this to Kit, maybe she shouldn't have come after all.
Kit threw out the last of the spoiled things in the frig, fluffed the last pillow, on the comfy sofa before covering it. She felt bad she had not even visited the "Captain" since their encounter the first morning. She would take him over the milk and cookies and other various things from the frig.
The "Captain's" place still looked the same. Even as a child it looked as though it needed painting. His green thumb was well known, she reached down to smell the last of the roses. He would always win first prize for his elegant roses. Kit's mother always tried but never could quite compete.
Kit knocked gently on the old weathered screen door. No answer. She could see the wooden door was cracked, so she called out "oh Captain, my Captain, where art there my Captain" as they would often do as children. Still no answer. Kit's arms full, she gingerly pulled the screen door open and pushed the other one with her foot. Milk dropped, spilling out of the cap she had too loosely replaced, evidently. She let go of the other things in the bags. She hurried forward, tripping over the ruined groceries. "Captain, Captain, Captain". Tears filled her unbelieving eyes, she cried. She cried just like she did that first day, when he told her he had cancer. She touched him, he was cold cold and rigid and gray. How long had he been there. Why hadn't she come to check on him. She didn't know, she guessed she had seriously thought he would come by, her place before she left. There was no time for anymore of these self indulgent thoughts.
The rescue squad said he had probably been dead for three or four days. Kit lightly kissed his forehead, before they removed him from his home, not his summer place not his weekend get-away, but his beloved home. As she left, she saw on the counter, a mixing bowl, and a bag of pecans. Was he actually making her the famous sandy pecan cookies, all of the kids remembered.
She walked down the shore once more. She stepped on the old rotten boat, still there after all this time. She removed her sweater, wrapping it around her shoulders, like a cape. "Captain oh my dear dear Captain, you will be remembered, remembered for your roses, remembered for your sandy pecan cookies, but mostly for being the Captain of your bay kids crew" she tossed one of his roses out into the vast waters and watched as it drifted so gently away.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Autumn of the Heart-chapter 4
Okay if she wasn't totally sure of it before, now it was official. Kit was the most selfish uncaring, irresponsible human being ever. Connie! Of course she knew she could almost always count on Connie. Yep she called her and she was on her way over to rescue poor poor Bono.
Connie was the kind of friend anyone would be lucky to have. She told it like it was, but in the way you understood she cared enough to be honest. They had grown up two streets away from each other, and Kit practically lived at Connie's house. Connie's mother was so good to Kit, they adored each other. Kit felt as though she could tell her anything. When Kit had found she was pregnant, it was Connie's mother she confided in before her own mother. Kit was more like a sister to Connie all through the years and even more, now with her own sister living out of state.
Connie was quite surprised to hear of Kit's uncharacteristic response, to her work dilemma and quite supportive. "Right on sister, I'm proud of you" Connie revealed, as she had tried to talk Kit into getting out of that "nowhere business" as she called it. "I've been telling you for years, and now you have no excuse. You and I can start that business we've always dreamed of!"
Kit didn't know about that. Really it had been Kit's dream to open her own bridal shop or vintage store, but Connie's ideas, were a little "out there" sometimes for Kit's exquisite taste.
Connie was a free-lance photographer. She was definitely talented, but extremely unconventional. Some of her work was in small non-profit galleries around town. She certainly wasn't bringing in the big bucks, but that was Connie, no compromise, no way. Honestly Kit wished she were more like Connie, but they couldn't be more different. It had always been that way. Connie was political and Kit thought radical. When Connie and Kit would go out together, like to dinner, Kit would be on pins and needles, worrying what Connie might say or ask. "Is your salad from Guatemala" or "can I go in the kitchen and film your dish washers"...you just never knew and didn't dare guess, what Connie might think of. But Kit wouldn't ever want to change her. As they grew up, there were times when it was particularly hard to stay close friends with Connie, as you could imagine, Connie was not exactly in with the "in crowd". How thankful that even as a starving to fit in teenager, Kit had realized what a jewel of a friend she had in Connie.
Kit made herself a cup of tea. She wasn't sure how old this tea was, but she didn't care. She would go into town in the morning for some groceries. Opening the window, she pulled in the wonderful salty air of the bay. What a fantastic view it was, the old light-house, the bridge way in the distance. Kit watched from her porch as a woman and child played along the edge of the water. They were dressed alike, both in jeans, rolled up and red long heavy sweaters. The little girl was showing something to her mother, probably a beautiful shell of some sort. The woman was responding to her as if she had found the hope diamond. Suddenly a tall man ran up and grabbed the woman from behind, she turned and hugged him tightly, kissing him, like only couples with young children around would do. Then the little girl ran to be included and the man picked her up,swirling her around, her delights reaching to Kits' cold ears.
Why couldn't that have been her. Why couldn't she and Neal be doing this. Her heart ached as she still watched, unable to look away, unable to change the bitter past.
Connie was the kind of friend anyone would be lucky to have. She told it like it was, but in the way you understood she cared enough to be honest. They had grown up two streets away from each other, and Kit practically lived at Connie's house. Connie's mother was so good to Kit, they adored each other. Kit felt as though she could tell her anything. When Kit had found she was pregnant, it was Connie's mother she confided in before her own mother. Kit was more like a sister to Connie all through the years and even more, now with her own sister living out of state.
Connie was quite surprised to hear of Kit's uncharacteristic response, to her work dilemma and quite supportive. "Right on sister, I'm proud of you" Connie revealed, as she had tried to talk Kit into getting out of that "nowhere business" as she called it. "I've been telling you for years, and now you have no excuse. You and I can start that business we've always dreamed of!"
Kit didn't know about that. Really it had been Kit's dream to open her own bridal shop or vintage store, but Connie's ideas, were a little "out there" sometimes for Kit's exquisite taste.
Connie was a free-lance photographer. She was definitely talented, but extremely unconventional. Some of her work was in small non-profit galleries around town. She certainly wasn't bringing in the big bucks, but that was Connie, no compromise, no way. Honestly Kit wished she were more like Connie, but they couldn't be more different. It had always been that way. Connie was political and Kit thought radical. When Connie and Kit would go out together, like to dinner, Kit would be on pins and needles, worrying what Connie might say or ask. "Is your salad from Guatemala" or "can I go in the kitchen and film your dish washers"...you just never knew and didn't dare guess, what Connie might think of. But Kit wouldn't ever want to change her. As they grew up, there were times when it was particularly hard to stay close friends with Connie, as you could imagine, Connie was not exactly in with the "in crowd". How thankful that even as a starving to fit in teenager, Kit had realized what a jewel of a friend she had in Connie.
Kit made herself a cup of tea. She wasn't sure how old this tea was, but she didn't care. She would go into town in the morning for some groceries. Opening the window, she pulled in the wonderful salty air of the bay. What a fantastic view it was, the old light-house, the bridge way in the distance. Kit watched from her porch as a woman and child played along the edge of the water. They were dressed alike, both in jeans, rolled up and red long heavy sweaters. The little girl was showing something to her mother, probably a beautiful shell of some sort. The woman was responding to her as if she had found the hope diamond. Suddenly a tall man ran up and grabbed the woman from behind, she turned and hugged him tightly, kissing him, like only couples with young children around would do. Then the little girl ran to be included and the man picked her up,swirling her around, her delights reaching to Kits' cold ears.
Why couldn't that have been her. Why couldn't she and Neal be doing this. Her heart ached as she still watched, unable to look away, unable to change the bitter past.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Autumn of the Heart-chapter 3
After Kit checked over and over to make sure the call had ended, she just sat there. The crying had stopped and she couldn't believe the peace she was feeling. She took a slow deep breath and decided to take a drive.
Kit had probably by instinct arrived there. It was her refuge many times. She looked around and could almost see, herself as a child. Running and jumping in the waves, chasing her sister and brother, never catching them.....
Kit's mother's family had owned this little cottage for 4 generations. She adored it. This was where she had her first big crush with an older boy, and this is where she wanted to be. She sat on the old rocker, still damp from the morning dew and lulled herself to sleep.
"Hello there stranger". Kit didn't jump, she softly awakened. She knew this voice, although it had grown a little weaker since she had last heard it. "Good morning I say". "Hello Mr. Mallory, how are you"? Kit could see how he was, old and bent over but he still had that twinkle in his eyes, she remembered. "How long has it been since you'Ve come here my dear, I know it's gotta be at least a dozen, but you haven't changed a bit"! "Well neither have you."she lied. "and I think it may only have been a couple of years Mr. Mallory". "Hey, remember what you kids used to call me, I kinda prefer it". "Okay sure, Captain,and why did we call you that, oh oh now I remember. We used to get you to play with us in that old broken down boat and we made you the captain". "That's right" he laughed, coughing as he did. "That cough sounds pretty bad, you ought to have it heard by a doctor, Mr. ahhh sorry Captain". "I have my dear, it's lung cancer" he was so matter of fact about it. She took a moment trying to think of how to respond. Here she was all upset about things in her life, while this poor man was dealing with lung cancer. She couldn't help it, she started to cry and just didn't stop. Poor man, what must he think, how could she be so selfish. "Thank you sweetie, you know you are the only person who has had that reaction when I have told them about the big C. I guess most people think, oh well that old buzzard has lived long enough. It's nice to know you cared enough to cry. Now now that's enough though".
The old place was just as it had been left. Kit thought her sister Kim had been there since she had. She and Kim had always been close as young girls. Now she was lucky to see her once a year if that. Kim lived in Ohio with her husband, they didn't have any children yet. She was a writer, although she had yet to have any of her work published. Kit knew it was just a matter of time, as she thought Kim was a wonderful writer. Their brother Kip was always stealing her diary and Kit was only to eager to share a peek. From a young age everyone knew that Kim had a gift.
Now Kip on the other hand was the rebel. Even though Kit had the pregnancy thing, up until that, Kit had been the perfect child, or so it was thought. Kip was too wild, too funny, too crazy to live a normal life. That is why it was such a shock and quite the joke to everyone when Kip became a minister! He had a rather large congregation in his non-traditional church, in North Carolina of all places. He was yet to be married, but there was never any shortage of willing brides to be.
How could it be that all those years had passed. The people she lived with, gone for the most part, from each others lives. Still she had her memories and for now that was a great comfort.
Kit's phone had not stopped ringing since she had made that insane call to her immediate boss. And everyone it seemed was leaving messages. She didn't dare listen to them. She couldn't resist. The first message was from Henry. "Kit, Kit dear, what is wrong? Carol called me with the impossible news. Kit you know you don't mean it. Call me asap. I love you we can work this out."
Henry did sound sincere. Should she call him. Maybe she shouldn't have quit, maybe she should see what he had to say. After all he was always saying he loved her. Maybe she was a fool to walk away from this.
She listened to the next message....."Listen you bitch, I left a message hours ago for you. So that is how you want to play it. Your are the most ungrateful stupid woman I have ever bothered with. Oh and you better look for another line of work. Your name is trash in this biz. Have a nice life bitch!"
Once again Kit had been saved from herself. She had made the right move, but couldn't shake the fact that she was ready to make the wrong one again. When would she ever learn, when would she ever know when to trust someone and who. She started to cry again, but now more from anger.............."OMGOSH, BONO!
Kit had probably by instinct arrived there. It was her refuge many times. She looked around and could almost see, herself as a child. Running and jumping in the waves, chasing her sister and brother, never catching them.....
Kit's mother's family had owned this little cottage for 4 generations. She adored it. This was where she had her first big crush with an older boy, and this is where she wanted to be. She sat on the old rocker, still damp from the morning dew and lulled herself to sleep.
"Hello there stranger". Kit didn't jump, she softly awakened. She knew this voice, although it had grown a little weaker since she had last heard it. "Good morning I say". "Hello Mr. Mallory, how are you"? Kit could see how he was, old and bent over but he still had that twinkle in his eyes, she remembered. "How long has it been since you'Ve come here my dear, I know it's gotta be at least a dozen, but you haven't changed a bit"! "Well neither have you."she lied. "and I think it may only have been a couple of years Mr. Mallory". "Hey, remember what you kids used to call me, I kinda prefer it". "Okay sure, Captain,and why did we call you that, oh oh now I remember. We used to get you to play with us in that old broken down boat and we made you the captain". "That's right" he laughed, coughing as he did. "That cough sounds pretty bad, you ought to have it heard by a doctor, Mr. ahhh sorry Captain". "I have my dear, it's lung cancer" he was so matter of fact about it. She took a moment trying to think of how to respond. Here she was all upset about things in her life, while this poor man was dealing with lung cancer. She couldn't help it, she started to cry and just didn't stop. Poor man, what must he think, how could she be so selfish. "Thank you sweetie, you know you are the only person who has had that reaction when I have told them about the big C. I guess most people think, oh well that old buzzard has lived long enough. It's nice to know you cared enough to cry. Now now that's enough though".
The old place was just as it had been left. Kit thought her sister Kim had been there since she had. She and Kim had always been close as young girls. Now she was lucky to see her once a year if that. Kim lived in Ohio with her husband, they didn't have any children yet. She was a writer, although she had yet to have any of her work published. Kit knew it was just a matter of time, as she thought Kim was a wonderful writer. Their brother Kip was always stealing her diary and Kit was only to eager to share a peek. From a young age everyone knew that Kim had a gift.
Now Kip on the other hand was the rebel. Even though Kit had the pregnancy thing, up until that, Kit had been the perfect child, or so it was thought. Kip was too wild, too funny, too crazy to live a normal life. That is why it was such a shock and quite the joke to everyone when Kip became a minister! He had a rather large congregation in his non-traditional church, in North Carolina of all places. He was yet to be married, but there was never any shortage of willing brides to be.
How could it be that all those years had passed. The people she lived with, gone for the most part, from each others lives. Still she had her memories and for now that was a great comfort.
Kit's phone had not stopped ringing since she had made that insane call to her immediate boss. And everyone it seemed was leaving messages. She didn't dare listen to them. She couldn't resist. The first message was from Henry. "Kit, Kit dear, what is wrong? Carol called me with the impossible news. Kit you know you don't mean it. Call me asap. I love you we can work this out."
Henry did sound sincere. Should she call him. Maybe she shouldn't have quit, maybe she should see what he had to say. After all he was always saying he loved her. Maybe she was a fool to walk away from this.
She listened to the next message....."Listen you bitch, I left a message hours ago for you. So that is how you want to play it. Your are the most ungrateful stupid woman I have ever bothered with. Oh and you better look for another line of work. Your name is trash in this biz. Have a nice life bitch!"
Once again Kit had been saved from herself. She had made the right move, but couldn't shake the fact that she was ready to make the wrong one again. When would she ever learn, when would she ever know when to trust someone and who. She started to cry again, but now more from anger.............."OMGOSH, BONO!
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Autumn of the Heart--chapter 2
The air around her was constricted, she tried to scream but there was no sound. The faces the noise the ignoring she existed. In her mind she pleaded, I'm hurting, please please don't do this don't do this. Then blackness. She waited, no one came, no one saw her, no one cared. She had just changed her life forever and for what. Why hadn't she listened to Connie? Where was she? She had promised she would be there, she wasn't. Her tears were hot and salty and pointless. She had made her decision. There was no going back. She decided it would haunt her. She determined she would never let herself be truly happy, she didn't deserve happiness. But wasn't that why she had done this, wasn't that the reason she let them take her precious tiny girl away. She couldn't believe no one heard her endless screaming. Bono did..............
Kit jumped up, her heart pounding. When would these dreams end? It had been 8 years. Her baby would be 8 in 4 hours.
Why had her visitor come at this time? Why was he pressuring her so, to take the new position. Too bad she knew the reasons. Too bad she didn't want him. Everything would be so much easier if that was the case.
Henry was the vice-president of her company, "It's Your Day". It was a large scale bridal store, that had shops up and down the east coast. There were rumors it was going towards the west coast, if some merger took place next year. This was the opportunity of a lifetime, Kit surely knew. She was the buyer for her state. This new position would have her moving to Vermont. She would be covering all the states from Virginia up.
Kit had met Henry Toller many times in the past 5 years she had been with the company. Her mistake, or maybe not, was letting their relationship go further than it should have. He was giving her this promotion, one she would have wanted, if it wasn't in Vermont and if she didn't know why she was targeted for it. Right now though she had to admit, she didn't care near as much about how it came to be offered to her. She loved her job and knew she was great at it and had no doubt she would excel at the new one. It wasn't that she wasn't attracted to Henry. She had been drawn to him long before there was anything between them, but she knew or felt she could never love him. His visit that night had made her sure of it. In fact she almost loathed him now.
He had threatened her with her job if she didn't take it. Explaining how she would be closer to him and trying to guilt her about all the strings he pulled. It made her sick. And his timing, if he only knew.
Kit decided to get up and start her day. There was no way she was going to get anymore sleep. Bono brushed past her leg. It was as if that cat knew her moods and more than that, he cared. How sad was that. She only had a cat to worry about her. Sure Henry said he loved her. She knew that wasn't true. She had heard stories of his past affairs with the younger employees. It seemed like he had a pattern. Once you hit 29 or 30, he moved on to the younger 20's again. Yeah if she moved, what would she really have anyway, 5 or 6 years left.
Sometimes Kit hated men. Most times Kit hated men. And with good cause she was sure. Her father had left her when she was just 13 and then there was Neal. There was one knight in shining armor, one who Kit thought was truly in love with her, but she was not. That was proof she was a bad person. She had lead him on. The truth was she tried to love Mark, she wanted to love him. They were engaged. Kit broke off the engagement at the engagement party. She could be cold. She didn't know how not to be sometimes. Still she thought of Mark often and sometimes wished she hadn't done what she did. She had always been told by her mother, "always marry a man who loves you more than you love him". That hadn't worked out too well for her mother.
Kit's mother. Yes she had always loved her mother, but she would never, never like to think she was anything like her mother. Now her mother was gone. She had died 4 years ago, in a car accident. That was Kit's fault too, as she saw it. Her mother had called her that morning to ask if Kit could take her to the drug store. She wasn't feeling quite right and didn't want to drive. Kit would be late for work and had asked her if she could pick it up on her lunch break. Her mom said that would be fine. Why she didn't wait, Kit would never understand. She hit a bus no one was hurt but Kate, Kit's mom. She died the next day in the hospital.
This was going to be a hard day. The sun was shining, the air was crisp and there was the autumn fragrance in the air. Kit turned the key in the ignition and just sat there in her driveway crying. She had never once called in sick. But this day this birthday and Henry, the awful choice she felt she had to make. She dialed her boss and waited, hardly breathing, "hello Carol, I hate to call you with this, I mean you have been so good to me" her sobbing was uncontrollable now, "Carol I quit"
Kit jumped up, her heart pounding. When would these dreams end? It had been 8 years. Her baby would be 8 in 4 hours.
Why had her visitor come at this time? Why was he pressuring her so, to take the new position. Too bad she knew the reasons. Too bad she didn't want him. Everything would be so much easier if that was the case.
Henry was the vice-president of her company, "It's Your Day". It was a large scale bridal store, that had shops up and down the east coast. There were rumors it was going towards the west coast, if some merger took place next year. This was the opportunity of a lifetime, Kit surely knew. She was the buyer for her state. This new position would have her moving to Vermont. She would be covering all the states from Virginia up.
Kit had met Henry Toller many times in the past 5 years she had been with the company. Her mistake, or maybe not, was letting their relationship go further than it should have. He was giving her this promotion, one she would have wanted, if it wasn't in Vermont and if she didn't know why she was targeted for it. Right now though she had to admit, she didn't care near as much about how it came to be offered to her. She loved her job and knew she was great at it and had no doubt she would excel at the new one. It wasn't that she wasn't attracted to Henry. She had been drawn to him long before there was anything between them, but she knew or felt she could never love him. His visit that night had made her sure of it. In fact she almost loathed him now.
He had threatened her with her job if she didn't take it. Explaining how she would be closer to him and trying to guilt her about all the strings he pulled. It made her sick. And his timing, if he only knew.
Kit decided to get up and start her day. There was no way she was going to get anymore sleep. Bono brushed past her leg. It was as if that cat knew her moods and more than that, he cared. How sad was that. She only had a cat to worry about her. Sure Henry said he loved her. She knew that wasn't true. She had heard stories of his past affairs with the younger employees. It seemed like he had a pattern. Once you hit 29 or 30, he moved on to the younger 20's again. Yeah if she moved, what would she really have anyway, 5 or 6 years left.
Sometimes Kit hated men. Most times Kit hated men. And with good cause she was sure. Her father had left her when she was just 13 and then there was Neal. There was one knight in shining armor, one who Kit thought was truly in love with her, but she was not. That was proof she was a bad person. She had lead him on. The truth was she tried to love Mark, she wanted to love him. They were engaged. Kit broke off the engagement at the engagement party. She could be cold. She didn't know how not to be sometimes. Still she thought of Mark often and sometimes wished she hadn't done what she did. She had always been told by her mother, "always marry a man who loves you more than you love him". That hadn't worked out too well for her mother.
Kit's mother. Yes she had always loved her mother, but she would never, never like to think she was anything like her mother. Now her mother was gone. She had died 4 years ago, in a car accident. That was Kit's fault too, as she saw it. Her mother had called her that morning to ask if Kit could take her to the drug store. She wasn't feeling quite right and didn't want to drive. Kit would be late for work and had asked her if she could pick it up on her lunch break. Her mom said that would be fine. Why she didn't wait, Kit would never understand. She hit a bus no one was hurt but Kate, Kit's mom. She died the next day in the hospital.
This was going to be a hard day. The sun was shining, the air was crisp and there was the autumn fragrance in the air. Kit turned the key in the ignition and just sat there in her driveway crying. She had never once called in sick. But this day this birthday and Henry, the awful choice she felt she had to make. She dialed her boss and waited, hardly breathing, "hello Carol, I hate to call you with this, I mean you have been so good to me" her sobbing was uncontrollable now, "Carol I quit"
Monday, October 17, 2011
Autumn of the Heart
AUTUMN OF THE HEART
The wind was fierce as she forcefully pushed the massive solid oak door shut. She was glad to be home. She opened the tall cabinet, the one where she kept all of her spices, and herbs and of course her favorite drink, her teas. What would she have this blustery fall afternoon, apple spice, no maybe orange spice. Her mind wondered while waiting for the tea kettle to whistle. She loved to dip the tea bag up and down instead of just leaving it alone to steep.
What was she going to tell him. Yes, no probably not, but what and it had to be soon. Kit had lived here all of her life, how could she leave. The promotion had been offered to her at the worst time. She sipped her tea and tried to forget for a moment of the weighty decision she had to make.
Kit was for all intends and purposes alone, no one to answer to no one to help her make this choice. She started to feel sorry for herself, but how could she. She had been the one that had chosen her life, she didn't have to be by herself.
Why was she even wondering about the move, the promotion would lead her to make. What was really keeping her here, she knew.
Kit had been only 16, it was her childhood sweetheart. She thought they would always be together. Then there was the pregnancy. She had the baby, a little girl. She gave her up for adoption. The last she had heard anything was two weeks after the child was placed. The agency had contacted her to say that the parents would most likely live in the area for the rest of their lives, and that they would encourage "Tally" to find Kit if she wanted, when she was grown.
Kit had never tried to find Tally and deep inside she hoped Tally wouldn't try to find her. But there was this part of her that felt responsible still and this move that faced her felt like more of a desertion than her giving her up at birth.
Connie would understand if anyone could. Connie was Kit's oldest and best friend. She knew all about Tally. She had tried to get Kit to keep her, but it was no use. Connie had also dated Tally's birth father for a time. It was during one of the many break-ups Kit and Neal had. It almost ended their friendship. When things ended with Neal, Kit had been so thankful she had not let anything get between Connie and her.
For now all she wanted to do was to drink her tea, wrap herself in a blanket and cuddle with Bono, her cat. She snuggled up and let Bono rest on her stomach, as he was fond of. Boy she wished she had some of those almond cookies. Had she eaten them all? She nuzzled Bono off and walked into the tiny kitchen with the blanket still around her. Awwww yes there were still some left. She ate them like they were chocolate covered. Would she make anything for dinner. Not now. Maybe she would take a nap. She waddled back over to the sofa. She was about to plop back down when someone rang the doorbell.
She wasn't expecting anyone. She thought for a moment of removing the blanket, but the visitor's knocking was very rapid. Usually she would not have opened the door without asking who it was, but this time for some unknown reason she did. As she threw the door open, almost angry that they were knocking so often and partly worried that it was truly some emergency, she let the blanket drop to the cold floor. Kit, how long has it been. Too long.
The wind was fierce as she forcefully pushed the massive solid oak door shut. She was glad to be home. She opened the tall cabinet, the one where she kept all of her spices, and herbs and of course her favorite drink, her teas. What would she have this blustery fall afternoon, apple spice, no maybe orange spice. Her mind wondered while waiting for the tea kettle to whistle. She loved to dip the tea bag up and down instead of just leaving it alone to steep.
What was she going to tell him. Yes, no probably not, but what and it had to be soon. Kit had lived here all of her life, how could she leave. The promotion had been offered to her at the worst time. She sipped her tea and tried to forget for a moment of the weighty decision she had to make.
Kit was for all intends and purposes alone, no one to answer to no one to help her make this choice. She started to feel sorry for herself, but how could she. She had been the one that had chosen her life, she didn't have to be by herself.
Why was she even wondering about the move, the promotion would lead her to make. What was really keeping her here, she knew.
Kit had been only 16, it was her childhood sweetheart. She thought they would always be together. Then there was the pregnancy. She had the baby, a little girl. She gave her up for adoption. The last she had heard anything was two weeks after the child was placed. The agency had contacted her to say that the parents would most likely live in the area for the rest of their lives, and that they would encourage "Tally" to find Kit if she wanted, when she was grown.
Kit had never tried to find Tally and deep inside she hoped Tally wouldn't try to find her. But there was this part of her that felt responsible still and this move that faced her felt like more of a desertion than her giving her up at birth.
Connie would understand if anyone could. Connie was Kit's oldest and best friend. She knew all about Tally. She had tried to get Kit to keep her, but it was no use. Connie had also dated Tally's birth father for a time. It was during one of the many break-ups Kit and Neal had. It almost ended their friendship. When things ended with Neal, Kit had been so thankful she had not let anything get between Connie and her.
For now all she wanted to do was to drink her tea, wrap herself in a blanket and cuddle with Bono, her cat. She snuggled up and let Bono rest on her stomach, as he was fond of. Boy she wished she had some of those almond cookies. Had she eaten them all? She nuzzled Bono off and walked into the tiny kitchen with the blanket still around her. Awwww yes there were still some left. She ate them like they were chocolate covered. Would she make anything for dinner. Not now. Maybe she would take a nap. She waddled back over to the sofa. She was about to plop back down when someone rang the doorbell.
She wasn't expecting anyone. She thought for a moment of removing the blanket, but the visitor's knocking was very rapid. Usually she would not have opened the door without asking who it was, but this time for some unknown reason she did. As she threw the door open, almost angry that they were knocking so often and partly worried that it was truly some emergency, she let the blanket drop to the cold floor. Kit, how long has it been. Too long.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
hello it's me i've thought about you for a long long time--too long
well hello there long time since i have written and so it goes--i know i started this blog intending to write everyday-as you know that did not last long---
usually after it has been some time between entries, i try to play catch up with what has been going on with me---so i will a little
my mom passed away a few weeks ago-she died on her 68th wedding anniversary--my daughter and husband and i had been planning a party at church for them and a family dinner---a week before she fell and only lasted a week after-
the extended family saw quite a bit of each other during mother's last days-that part was good of course and we have made plans to try to keep closer in the days to come-
i miss my mom--but not like she's gone--if you are a reader already, you know she had gone in some ways years before-but there was a new mom-and i had come to love her too-
i know she wanted to be free of her body and mind-but it was hard to see her go and hard to see my father cry----life does go on and quickly---even as we guard our hearts from forgetting-
the fall has come and once again i find myself melancholy,yet hopeful, reflective, but looking towards the future with a new found interest-
i feel like i am experiencing growing pains and longings for more-more connections more passion for life-more understanding of all the people around me-
many days are spent doing the same thing over and over-but there is a comfort in that-as i find myself not ashamed to admit that i watch the housewife shows that i like fb that i have 31 fish tanks on fishworld (i know that fact will stop some of you from reading further haha)--it's true as i become older yes i want people to like me, but i'm okay if they don't---
i hope to start one of my new stories soon--i have been thinking of writing a story called "the third floor"---as i was researching this topic, i found that the dream about the third floor could mean you have premonitions------a couple of days before my mother fell--i was at the computer and suddenly i felt i heard a voice tell me that someone close to me was going to die very soon---as i heard this i turned to my husband and told him this---i have learned to listen to those messages and to share them with someone close----i don't know why i am told some things through the years before they happen but i am-------
i know this entry may be somewhat fragmented but that is me--as i write this i feel a love for people returning--i always felt like that was me love love love--but i have come to realize that without my faith in God i can do no good thing--
usually after it has been some time between entries, i try to play catch up with what has been going on with me---so i will a little
my mom passed away a few weeks ago-she died on her 68th wedding anniversary--my daughter and husband and i had been planning a party at church for them and a family dinner---a week before she fell and only lasted a week after-
the extended family saw quite a bit of each other during mother's last days-that part was good of course and we have made plans to try to keep closer in the days to come-
i miss my mom--but not like she's gone--if you are a reader already, you know she had gone in some ways years before-but there was a new mom-and i had come to love her too-
i know she wanted to be free of her body and mind-but it was hard to see her go and hard to see my father cry----life does go on and quickly---even as we guard our hearts from forgetting-
the fall has come and once again i find myself melancholy,yet hopeful, reflective, but looking towards the future with a new found interest-
i feel like i am experiencing growing pains and longings for more-more connections more passion for life-more understanding of all the people around me-
many days are spent doing the same thing over and over-but there is a comfort in that-as i find myself not ashamed to admit that i watch the housewife shows that i like fb that i have 31 fish tanks on fishworld (i know that fact will stop some of you from reading further haha)--it's true as i become older yes i want people to like me, but i'm okay if they don't---
i hope to start one of my new stories soon--i have been thinking of writing a story called "the third floor"---as i was researching this topic, i found that the dream about the third floor could mean you have premonitions------a couple of days before my mother fell--i was at the computer and suddenly i felt i heard a voice tell me that someone close to me was going to die very soon---as i heard this i turned to my husband and told him this---i have learned to listen to those messages and to share them with someone close----i don't know why i am told some things through the years before they happen but i am-------
i know this entry may be somewhat fragmented but that is me--as i write this i feel a love for people returning--i always felt like that was me love love love--but i have come to realize that without my faith in God i can do no good thing--
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