alas corn kept coming to me yesterday and it hasn't left me---
i once read a book--i wish i could remember the name--it was one of those books, i take a chance on, when i find them in my local dollar store----although i can't remember much about the book--one thing has stuck with me--
the writer tells of how his mother, that lived in an impovereshed mountain area, would always have a pot of beans and cornbread, ready for any visitor that might find theirself hungry--
what a cozy scene that set in my mind--not unlike my dear grandmother, "queenie"-
if you have read much of my blog, you know she is the one in my story, "queenie's bequest"
every time we went to her small country house, she would have tons of food prepared---and you could count on there being cornbread, warming in the top of her old stove--she made it in a cast iron skillet---it never was my favorite kind of cornbread---but how much i would love to taste it again--
i find myself making cornbread quite often---mostly i use a mix and prefer the sweet cake like cornbread--
this past winter, i tried a few times having the beans and cornbread ready for the taking---but these days, hungry travelers don't visit like they used to-
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Monday, April 2, 2012
b is for bohemian rhapsody
well i am afraid my blog today is a little dark also----at least to me--
queen's biggest hit, bohemian rhapsody is one of the saddest songs i have ever heard--
it is the awful moment, when you do something that will change your life forever, and there is no power on earth that can alter it or take it back--
as my oldest boys were growing up, i feared this so many times--as they went through their time of rebellion--thank God, none of the dumb crazy things they did, that i know about and the ones i only hear about a couple at a time each new year--didn't ruin their lives--
i too could have had a life so different if not for God's grace and mercy as i grew up, acting out in reckless abandon --
i can just see this kid as he calls his poor mother from jail----"mama i just killed a man"------how heart-breaking for the both of them----
okay and i am gonna get kinda heavy here---but keep in mind that my heart is forever a mother's heart--but i pray for all of those people who have done something in a moments rash decision, that they never give up hope, that they know God's true and never changing mercy and that their mother's never give up on them---
queen's biggest hit, bohemian rhapsody is one of the saddest songs i have ever heard--
it is the awful moment, when you do something that will change your life forever, and there is no power on earth that can alter it or take it back--
as my oldest boys were growing up, i feared this so many times--as they went through their time of rebellion--thank God, none of the dumb crazy things they did, that i know about and the ones i only hear about a couple at a time each new year--didn't ruin their lives--
i too could have had a life so different if not for God's grace and mercy as i grew up, acting out in reckless abandon --
i can just see this kid as he calls his poor mother from jail----"mama i just killed a man"------how heart-breaking for the both of them----
okay and i am gonna get kinda heavy here---but keep in mind that my heart is forever a mother's heart--but i pray for all of those people who have done something in a moments rash decision, that they never give up hope, that they know God's true and never changing mercy and that their mother's never give up on them---
Sunday, April 1, 2012
a is for adam
unfortunately today being the a day--my mind would not let go of the word, or the name adam----adam walsh
i was very hesitant to write about adam, in fear of writing something about someones tragedy on a writing blog exercise, just didn't seem right--
but as i have shared, if and when an idea, image or feeling won't leave me, i must obey
i will never forget adam---taken from a sears store out of the toy department----
found days later--i can't even share how his body was found---but i remember it vividly--
killed by a monster--someones son also--
oh the desperation of the human condition sometimes-----adam walsh--his name is recognized all over the world----i still see your smiling face in your little league uniform----i think you would have been in your late thirties today-
i was very hesitant to write about adam, in fear of writing something about someones tragedy on a writing blog exercise, just didn't seem right--
but as i have shared, if and when an idea, image or feeling won't leave me, i must obey
i will never forget adam---taken from a sears store out of the toy department----
found days later--i can't even share how his body was found---but i remember it vividly--
killed by a monster--someones son also--
oh the desperation of the human condition sometimes-----adam walsh--his name is recognized all over the world----i still see your smiling face in your little league uniform----i think you would have been in your late thirties today-
Thursday, March 22, 2012
summer dresses
hadn't planned to blog and or write today--but as i have told you, it hits me and haunts me sometimes until all i can do is get it over with--not knowing mostly where the thoughts or ideas will lead exactly but today it is a feeling---one i am not confident i will be able to convey, but i shall try--
a quick trip to the mall today with robyn, had us exiting through one of the women's clothes departments---and there is where i stopped to touch it to let it take me back to my mother's summer dresses---
it seems some of the styles she wore when i was a child are returning or maybe it was just the delicate mix of the floral colors, that brought her image rushing back to me in a flood of emotions--
i could see her on a Sunday afternoon, sitting on the front porch of my grandmother's house, my dad's mom--"queenie"---
as a child we would go there for dinners---straight from church--so mama would never change her clothes----in the summer or even early spring, it would be hotter to her than a sauna---she would have her stockings on and girdle----she was quite miserable and the fans in the piano bench were always taken out and used profusely by her and my dear aunt alice---
lily my great aunt, would always be in a sweater, as she had a stroke years before, she was often cold even in the hottest of days-
my mom always thought she was enormous and we all tried to tell her, that she could take her hose off and she didn't need to cover up her arms---but she never did and always did-
today i could smell her chantilly and hear her funny laugh---but most of all i could remember her dresses and the searches for them-
the many shopping trips with her, the trips downtown, the way the car felt when we returned to it on a hot summer day----the way we fought over my clothes, the way she told me then, what i tell my daughter---and now how i see how much joy she must have felt, when we found that perfect dress--the one that she and i both loved and the rarity of that occasion-
but most of all i see her-i see her as she was, so full of life---her legs making that scratching noise as she crossed them and made that look at me--the look that she thought no one else saw--the look that meant, i am dying out here on this porch, i can't wait to come home and take these clothes off and get in my "house-coat"----which she wore to extreme---
yes the summer dresses only worn on Sundays, are what brought me back today and made me sad and regretful and nostalgic---
when i see her next how i hope it will be in the summer on a Sunday
a quick trip to the mall today with robyn, had us exiting through one of the women's clothes departments---and there is where i stopped to touch it to let it take me back to my mother's summer dresses---
it seems some of the styles she wore when i was a child are returning or maybe it was just the delicate mix of the floral colors, that brought her image rushing back to me in a flood of emotions--
i could see her on a Sunday afternoon, sitting on the front porch of my grandmother's house, my dad's mom--"queenie"---
as a child we would go there for dinners---straight from church--so mama would never change her clothes----in the summer or even early spring, it would be hotter to her than a sauna---she would have her stockings on and girdle----she was quite miserable and the fans in the piano bench were always taken out and used profusely by her and my dear aunt alice---
lily my great aunt, would always be in a sweater, as she had a stroke years before, she was often cold even in the hottest of days-
my mom always thought she was enormous and we all tried to tell her, that she could take her hose off and she didn't need to cover up her arms---but she never did and always did-
today i could smell her chantilly and hear her funny laugh---but most of all i could remember her dresses and the searches for them-
the many shopping trips with her, the trips downtown, the way the car felt when we returned to it on a hot summer day----the way we fought over my clothes, the way she told me then, what i tell my daughter---and now how i see how much joy she must have felt, when we found that perfect dress--the one that she and i both loved and the rarity of that occasion-
but most of all i see her-i see her as she was, so full of life---her legs making that scratching noise as she crossed them and made that look at me--the look that she thought no one else saw--the look that meant, i am dying out here on this porch, i can't wait to come home and take these clothes off and get in my "house-coat"----which she wore to extreme---
yes the summer dresses only worn on Sundays, are what brought me back today and made me sad and regretful and nostalgic---
when i see her next how i hope it will be in the summer on a Sunday
Monday, March 12, 2012
read me know me---touch me
okay--this may be a little cloudy--i hope not---i told you before that i am not a disciplined writer--how most of what i write comes out of an almost uncontrollable urge to do so--some idea or feelings that won't leave me alone until i do----i also have to say i believe my daughter-in-law adrienne has inspired me to write more lately--since she has been blogging regularly on mondays---
but as i must get out to the grocery store this beautiful monday morning--i also must write, now, in fear that i will lose my spark-
i will attempt to pull together--however loosely--three bombarding ideas---1--that i don't really know if i want writers to read my stuff, only readers---2--how much of yourself do you let others know, before they hate you---and hmmmm i knew there was a third one---see i have waited too long to write!!!!
if the third one comes to me, i will elaborate-----
as i have shared in a previous blog---i have a weird confidence in my writing---i hesitated to share that again, because i fear people will not feel the need to compliment me any longer---let me explain
this confidence does not have any basis in human acceptance---not to say i have not had the accolades of some very close members of my family and some dear sweet friends and readers---but for the most part i have not--as a matter of fact--(not to call anyone out--and they won't see this anyway, since they are not a fan-haha) my family and friends, would have to be paid to read my rantings----or and this would be worse--they have read them and have no opinion----
oh i think i just remembered my third thought!!! i am convinced that one of the very top things one human wants from another is to be known---not even accepted but understood--the good bad and the terminally ugly---
i don't know where it came from--just my personality--but you would not have to know me long, to know me-----yes there were a few years, when i altered this a bit--
i suppose part of me wants to connect, but most of the time as i share my inner most struggles and concerns, fears and regrets---i am met with silence---that's when i feel like the only one who got the memo it was a nudist party-
when people hear someone divulging inadequacies about themselves---i guess, the uncomfortable listener, is thinking something like this-----"hey, i know she is holding back--no one tells all of their sins or mis-steps--so as bad as she is sounding--you mean there is more"-------and there is more of course---i'm a sharer, but i'm not stupid-
as for the writing tool, being used to know a person----i feel if more writers would stop listening to writers and critics--then they might just have something to say---
isn't that what it is all about------
i entered this writing contest a couple of years ago--it asked for about ten or so pages----i entered "queenies bequest"----one of their most negative things they had to say, was, they didn't believe it was fiction-----okay---it was and it wasn't---based on some real people and events---with lots of fiction and character flaws--that were different from most of the real life people's quirks----except maybe one---which was "a little" over the top----
they loved the character development---and although i was thrilled that they even read my work and critiqued (even if i paid them)---their messages were very confusing to me----
so i write and yes i don't plan to be published--(have had one article published)---but have these critics, agents, whoever, been reading in the past twenty years-----for the most part the rules have been thrown out---
just write me a story, just tell it to me entertainingly and touch me---let me see who you are and what you are really saying---make me yearn to reach for something more-----draw me into your head and make me know you and only imagine what you are holding back--
but as i must get out to the grocery store this beautiful monday morning--i also must write, now, in fear that i will lose my spark-
i will attempt to pull together--however loosely--three bombarding ideas---1--that i don't really know if i want writers to read my stuff, only readers---2--how much of yourself do you let others know, before they hate you---and hmmmm i knew there was a third one---see i have waited too long to write!!!!
if the third one comes to me, i will elaborate-----
as i have shared in a previous blog---i have a weird confidence in my writing---i hesitated to share that again, because i fear people will not feel the need to compliment me any longer---let me explain
this confidence does not have any basis in human acceptance---not to say i have not had the accolades of some very close members of my family and some dear sweet friends and readers---but for the most part i have not--as a matter of fact--(not to call anyone out--and they won't see this anyway, since they are not a fan-haha) my family and friends, would have to be paid to read my rantings----or and this would be worse--they have read them and have no opinion----
oh i think i just remembered my third thought!!! i am convinced that one of the very top things one human wants from another is to be known---not even accepted but understood--the good bad and the terminally ugly---
i don't know where it came from--just my personality--but you would not have to know me long, to know me-----yes there were a few years, when i altered this a bit--
i suppose part of me wants to connect, but most of the time as i share my inner most struggles and concerns, fears and regrets---i am met with silence---that's when i feel like the only one who got the memo it was a nudist party-
when people hear someone divulging inadequacies about themselves---i guess, the uncomfortable listener, is thinking something like this-----"hey, i know she is holding back--no one tells all of their sins or mis-steps--so as bad as she is sounding--you mean there is more"-------and there is more of course---i'm a sharer, but i'm not stupid-
as for the writing tool, being used to know a person----i feel if more writers would stop listening to writers and critics--then they might just have something to say---
isn't that what it is all about------
i entered this writing contest a couple of years ago--it asked for about ten or so pages----i entered "queenies bequest"----one of their most negative things they had to say, was, they didn't believe it was fiction-----okay---it was and it wasn't---based on some real people and events---with lots of fiction and character flaws--that were different from most of the real life people's quirks----except maybe one---which was "a little" over the top----
they loved the character development---and although i was thrilled that they even read my work and critiqued (even if i paid them)---their messages were very confusing to me----
so i write and yes i don't plan to be published--(have had one article published)---but have these critics, agents, whoever, been reading in the past twenty years-----for the most part the rules have been thrown out---
just write me a story, just tell it to me entertainingly and touch me---let me see who you are and what you are really saying---make me yearn to reach for something more-----draw me into your head and make me know you and only imagine what you are holding back--
Monday, February 27, 2012
the calling
yesterday frank and i went up at the end of the church service to ask for prayer from the congregation--frank feels like he is suppose to be doing more, like maybe preaching or something---our pastor and another pastor at church have been talking to frank for some time now and have been nothing but supportive----
over 25 years ago frank went forward at church and dedicated his life to the Christian ministry-----he was the pastor's associate for a time at our home church----but then life happened--our special needs children were born and things changed
i feel it was like--the saying "preach the gospel at all times and use words when necessary"----as you may have read if you follow my earlier blogs---we have been visiting an institution since 1989----one little girl turned into a long relationship with the residents there and in a hospital on the grounds-----frank basically did the hospital ministry alone---most of the times i would have kids with us that were not allowed to go on the floors--so we waited----we did the institution together-----i share this to say that for all of his faults (not to say he has more than i do)-- frank has been a real unseen hero for many years, esp. to people that couldn't tell anyone about all the kind and selfless things and time he has given to many through these many years-----
years ago he also had a radio ministry that he paid for himself--it was called "people need the Lord"--it was very good i thought, but we just couldn't afford to keep it--
i have always known that frank has a gift, he has an unnatural desire to read everything spiritual he can and esp. the Bible---i have witnessed that the Spirit definitely gives him keen understanding of what he reads--
-i have to tell you i have asked frank, "are you sure you heard right, and do you think God knows who you are married to" -i know i do not have to depend on my feelings or lack of them--"obedience is better than sacrifice"--i am in support of frank doing what he feels he is to do-------in my unsolicited defense--i have to tell you that i have always been there in frank's corner--telling him he can do whatever he wants, that i believe in him---i even told him once that he could cut open our roof and raise it to make a cape cod expanse--he did it even though he had never done anything construction wise in his life---again, one time i told him to go paint a mural on the boys wall--something also he had never done, never really ever drawn or painted---and he did a beautiful job!!--the point is i am an encourager if nothing else haha---but i have no illusions or romantic notions about what being a pastor or minister is, esp. in our culture---and of course i believe, like my pastor was saying yesterday, that all Christians should be ministers--
frank lost many jobs through the years, because when i or the children needed something or there were hospital times--he would take his sick days, vacation days, whatever he had to do--there was little help--so we had no other choice------he lost one of his favorite secular jobs a few years ago and probably one of the best ones he has ever had-----these last few years have been some of the hardest financially that we have seen, as so many have experienced----frank has no plans to quit his full-time job but may have to give up his second one------
i hope it wasn't wrong to brag on frank------one thing, if he is a minister, i know he will start trying to be better and better at everything--so i told him that was a bonus---he even was going through his closet the other day, tossing stuff--i think that is partly God and partly watching "hoarders" the other day--
i have a willing heart to do whatever God wants of me and so with that as my basis, i know i will be okay as a pastor's wife or whatever ministry our family is lead to be in---thanks for your prayers
over 25 years ago frank went forward at church and dedicated his life to the Christian ministry-----he was the pastor's associate for a time at our home church----but then life happened--our special needs children were born and things changed
i feel it was like--the saying "preach the gospel at all times and use words when necessary"----as you may have read if you follow my earlier blogs---we have been visiting an institution since 1989----one little girl turned into a long relationship with the residents there and in a hospital on the grounds-----frank basically did the hospital ministry alone---most of the times i would have kids with us that were not allowed to go on the floors--so we waited----we did the institution together-----i share this to say that for all of his faults (not to say he has more than i do)-- frank has been a real unseen hero for many years, esp. to people that couldn't tell anyone about all the kind and selfless things and time he has given to many through these many years-----
years ago he also had a radio ministry that he paid for himself--it was called "people need the Lord"--it was very good i thought, but we just couldn't afford to keep it--
i have always known that frank has a gift, he has an unnatural desire to read everything spiritual he can and esp. the Bible---i have witnessed that the Spirit definitely gives him keen understanding of what he reads--
-i have to tell you i have asked frank, "are you sure you heard right, and do you think God knows who you are married to" -i know i do not have to depend on my feelings or lack of them--"obedience is better than sacrifice"--i am in support of frank doing what he feels he is to do-------in my unsolicited defense--i have to tell you that i have always been there in frank's corner--telling him he can do whatever he wants, that i believe in him---i even told him once that he could cut open our roof and raise it to make a cape cod expanse--he did it even though he had never done anything construction wise in his life---again, one time i told him to go paint a mural on the boys wall--something also he had never done, never really ever drawn or painted---and he did a beautiful job!!--the point is i am an encourager if nothing else haha---but i have no illusions or romantic notions about what being a pastor or minister is, esp. in our culture---and of course i believe, like my pastor was saying yesterday, that all Christians should be ministers--
frank lost many jobs through the years, because when i or the children needed something or there were hospital times--he would take his sick days, vacation days, whatever he had to do--there was little help--so we had no other choice------he lost one of his favorite secular jobs a few years ago and probably one of the best ones he has ever had-----these last few years have been some of the hardest financially that we have seen, as so many have experienced----frank has no plans to quit his full-time job but may have to give up his second one------
i hope it wasn't wrong to brag on frank------one thing, if he is a minister, i know he will start trying to be better and better at everything--so i told him that was a bonus---he even was going through his closet the other day, tossing stuff--i think that is partly God and partly watching "hoarders" the other day--
i have a willing heart to do whatever God wants of me and so with that as my basis, i know i will be okay as a pastor's wife or whatever ministry our family is lead to be in---thanks for your prayers
Monday, February 6, 2012
if only it were jeans
wow--i am feeling a little overwhelmed by all of robyn's stuff----went to william and mary over the weekend--i felt kinda guilty taking her there to tour--even if she would apply and get in---where is the money------!!!--and the scholarship search is taking over her life and the preparing for sat's----to me it's like why don't they just come with college apps. when they are born--it would save a lot of time---robyn, says to be careful what i put here--so i will haha--but for me who believes in the "un-schooling" method (but don't worry she is in the "tag" program)---this theory is mainly in my head---anyway, you get where i am coming from-----where are the good old days when it wasn't all about this---
big discussion yesterday at church about the differences with planning planning saving saving and security sec-------you get the pt.----and the "give us this day our daily bread"---take no thought---we aren't promised tomorrow-----do not boast about what you will do tomorrow------
no answers once again--we are trusting God to provide the way if robyn is to go to a college of her choice----
i have to say though, i think the college prep is way out of line with my thinking---and yes okay i don't have an over abundance of money---and certainly not earthly security---but i don't think we are to look for that here--
just thought i would blow off some of the frustration i feel-----don't get me wrong--i want my daughter and all of my kids to do what makes them happy--to fulfill their dreams and i am right there rooting them on--but i also don't want to shy away from the things i feel are right to teach them and the values i believe in----i don't ever want them to conform in the wrong way to this world---to spend their life chasing the "american dream"--only to wake up and realize, they took the turnpike instead of the "road less traveled"
big discussion yesterday at church about the differences with planning planning saving saving and security sec-------you get the pt.----and the "give us this day our daily bread"---take no thought---we aren't promised tomorrow-----do not boast about what you will do tomorrow------
no answers once again--we are trusting God to provide the way if robyn is to go to a college of her choice----
i have to say though, i think the college prep is way out of line with my thinking---and yes okay i don't have an over abundance of money---and certainly not earthly security---but i don't think we are to look for that here--
just thought i would blow off some of the frustration i feel-----don't get me wrong--i want my daughter and all of my kids to do what makes them happy--to fulfill their dreams and i am right there rooting them on--but i also don't want to shy away from the things i feel are right to teach them and the values i believe in----i don't ever want them to conform in the wrong way to this world---to spend their life chasing the "american dream"--only to wake up and realize, they took the turnpike instead of the "road less traveled"
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