not until

not until the wars have all been fought---not until we see ourselves in every other person

not until we listen with our hearts and speak with a mother's compassion

not until we let the emptiness be filled with something other than our vain desires

not until we stand on the grassy mound of our child or loved ones final resting place---or face the fears of our soulless shadows--

but one day that not until day will come and we won't be able to contain our joy

mother as in "sylvia's mother"---i know i am kinda cheating

yesterday on the way back from visiting with "big tommy"----frank and i were enjoying the warm weather and singing to the radio, an "oldies" station----

on comes a song, i haven't heard or thought about in forever---i don't even think i liked it when it was out---

it is a song about a poor boy---i say he is a poor boy, because i guess i sympathize with him--maybe because his story is the one we are hearing---we aren't privy to the other side---the reason why "sylvia's mother" will not get her daughter to the phone---

okay this guy has done something to hurt sylvia in the past for sure---but i am assuming he still loves her--that is why he is calling---

poor guy, and he's got that darn operator, calling for 40cents more every time he thinks he might have a chance of sylvia's mom letting sylvia have the phone call-

ya know, it's funny as i remember this song, i had always wondered, why "sylvia's mother" says at one point, "thank you for calling, and sir won't you call back again"---i now know it was because she is in the room---i don't know why i never caught that part---i always thought, those lyrics didn't make sense-

but anyway on this mundane mucky, moist, milkless morose (not really morose, just liked the way it sounded) monday, i leave you with this song-

lasting

what is lasting, can it be the wind---does it not go still at times, who's to say it will return

what is lasting, is love lasting---it may be although it's faces and shapes continually change forms, it appears to last

does joy last---not each individual joy but there is an essence remaining a trace of it's existence

and we say that childhood does not last--but i swear i've heard those little voices laughing in the shadows, still at play in the recesses of my memory

do troubles last, no for if they did, we couldn't stand or sleep or even have the heart to try

so the things that last are fleeting, that's the irony of life itself, the beauty hidden in it's mystery

karaoke

at our church we occasionally have a karaoke  night-----everyone always enjoys it and sometimes it's hard to get them to stop singing and let us pack up the machine and go home haha

but this one time, our little karaoke night proved to be very controversial---

we decided to have it as a kinda coffee house, karaoke night blend

it went off very well---until the Sunday afterwards--

at the start of the morning worship service---this rather large, loud african american self-proclaimed pastor, came barging in, demanding to take over the pulpit and speak----it was quite a scene and no one knew what to do----

to let you know a little about our church, we are an old church that is in the inner city----yes we are predominately white but our church members include and welcome all races-----most of our church is older people, but they are very loving and would never intentionally hurt someone

back to the man----he was obviously a little mentally unbalanced but intent that he must speak to the evil devil racist church we were----in fact a church that he knew had just held a klu klux klan meeting---

well i can tell you we were all astonished and someone went to call the police-----

before the police arrived, several men were able to get the man outside to talk-----as they did, the man proclaimed, that he had proof that we had indeed held the kkk meeting at our church---he reached in his pocket, as the men started to lunge----he pulled out a piece of paper,----

my husband being one of the men outside with him---took the piece of paper and was speechless----it was one of our flyers, advertizing the coffee night to the community---

as frank took a look at the what we thought was a clever way to put it, he saw the misunderstanding---

please come to our KARAOKE KOFFEE HOUSE-------  the man said the "h" in house was only used to disguise the true meeting's agenda----we now advertize our youth coffee house, only with a "c"

jaime

(this is a repost from 2009---not feeling too well this morning---sorry this is a little longer than usual--)
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i don't know why i have decided to share this story with you, but i kept feeling like i am suppose to today. i usually try to write about something in my day or something in my day that ties in with a story in the past--but here goes

years ago when my husband and i had our two oldest sons and our first daughter, who was also our first handicapped child--we decided we probably wouldn't have anymore children, but would adopt a older "hard to place" child--we went to all the classes - where we were warned of all the problems one could encounter with some of these "damaged " children --it didn't scare us --for after all if we were doing okay with a severely handicapped child- how hard could it be--the only thing i was sure i couldn't handle was another handicapped child--they had them- in fact they had a book just full of kids with special needs. the-caseworker also said that parents were needed for children that were now in institutions--they would continue to stay there but you could visit them and make medical decisions for them. i knew that was definitely not for me - i could never go to an institution let alone leave them there!

well after the adoption classes were over, the case worker had a child in mind for us- an older girl--it didn't work out, as she very much wanted to stay in the foster home she had been in for 5 years--she was hoping they would adopt her - i don't know if they ever did.

time went by and i found out i was pregnant again . we were very happy about it , but scared that this child might be handicapped too- one day we were out picking up meds for our daughter from the county medical center--where we had taken our adoption classes ( our daughter had been dropped from our insurance)--- my husband goes into get the meds and returns with a large book -- the book of hard to place children-- seems he had run into the case worker we had before-- i was so mad at him--how could he have brought this book out - me being pregnant and all--he said we could keep the book for a week-- i vowed i would not even open it!

a few days later, the book seemed to be calling to me--i looked through it--there were so many --it was just too sad- i started to close the book, when i saw this little girl in a wheelchair- her head was deformed--it read about her--no one had visited her in her 11 years-- i cried -

when my husband came home from work that evening i was holding the book --i told him i had seen the child we had to adopt--he said wait- let me show you first the one i have picked-- he opened the book and handed it to me - it was the same little girl--we couldn't believe it--

we made a call the next day to our case worker in our county--we waited and waited--they never did anything to help us get in contact with the institution where the little girl lived--we couldn't get this child out of our minds and hearts--one day a friend of mine suggested we contact another non profit agency she had dealt with, as she had adopted children----
the next day i called - i told the woman about the book - which all the agencies had --she looked up the little girl--i almost dropped the phone when she said--oh yes, jaime- i'm visiting her--in my heart i said thank you Lord--for truth be told, yes i felt so sorry for her , but if God had someone else that was willing to take her ,than i was off the hook--she told me no, no that she was only visiting as a social worker--we decided to meet--

as i was due with my baby in a couple of weeks , we decided to wait until after the baby-so we wouldn't have to stop the visits for a time--i had my baby--another girl--she spent the first month in the nicu--it looked like she had the same handicap as my older daughter--we were crushed--but she came home - we loved her to death--and life went on-

in july that year we made our first visit to jaime--she was so sweet--but i was very worried about taking care of 3 handicapped children --i knew i didn't want to be a parent to her and leave her there--of course for her , but also because it was so sad to come every week to this institution--i had never seen so many helpless pitiful people--i felt sick every time we went--eventually we became more and more used to it--the visits and the plans to adopt her and bring her home continued-

it seems the case worker (not the one that brought us to her ) from her county of birth was the birth mother's best friend--when we met with her she told me how the family had never come to see jaime and how she had tried her best to convince them to visit--she was sure they never would--during that time i had strongly felt the Lord telling me to go ahead with the plan to adopt her, but that her birth family was going to come to see her--i asked jaime's case worker to try one more time with the birth family--before we got any deeper into the adoption process-- she assured me that she knew them and it was no use-they did not ever want to see her-

then one day as i was fixing dinner the case worker that had introduced us to jaime, called--she said jaime's caseworker had called and she said "are you sitting down-- her birth family is begging you not to adopt her--they want to meet with you"--i was not surprised-i knew i had heard right

we were very torn--jaime had many many medical problems and many services they would not provide in our home--she would have to be transported a lot--i knew in my heart that if my children had her problems i would still keep them at home--but i also knew if we brought her home her birth parents would most certainly not be in her life- and i really felt jaime would want them in her life

after we met with them - we felt somewhat different about them-- i still could not see how they could have never come to see her--but i also understood that stupid doctors had told them to put her away and forget about her--that they weren't capable of taking care of her--and really that was and is part of the system's problem --they made too much money to get any help with her at home but not enough for some of her needs--it's so messed up

after several visits with jaime and her birth parents - we decided that we would not adopt jaime- but there were two conditions- they had to agree to visit her every week and we would still be able to visit weekly-- they agreed --and until jaime's death at 17, that's what we did -- her birth family came every saturday and us every sunday

i think of jaime so often and wonder if we made the right decision --but mostly i believe we were just asked to be willing to adopt her-- God always knew the healing jaime needed from her birth family and the healing her birth family so needed-- i can still see her smiling face and hear her infectious laugh-- she made a huge difference in our lives and will forever live in our hearts.

isn't it funny

1. isn't it funny how appealing that parking space is that's only maybe 10 feet closer to the store entrance and isn't it funny, how long you will sit and wait for that person to pull out, while they casually finish their phone convo and apply their lipstick---and isn't it funny how successful you feel as you exit your car and catch up to the driver that had to park further out--

2. isn't it funny how your kids remember with startling accuracy all the bad stuff in their childhood, but shake their head in non-recognition at the story you share about their great 6th birthday party, you gave them

3. isn't it funny how excited one can get as you wait on the beach, watching for everyone's safety, constantly counting the kids and grand-kids---you finally have a bright spot, you have discovered some driftwood, only to find out as they all come running to see, that it is just dried dog poop

4. isn't it funny how your spouse can put the scales up 10lbs over and over and how you never fail to fall for it--i know i love it

5. isn't it funny how you think you look pretty good sometimes until you look at the candid picture, some idiot has shot of you and you realize once again, you have a bad side and a worse side

6. isn't it funny how the things the next door neighbor, the delivery guy, the milkman, or a stranger, can say the same thing to your husband that you've been telling him for decades and he listens to them, like they are his personal guru

7. isn't it funny how easy the "i" letter seems until you go to write it and isn't it funny how i thought this would be funny

hot dogs and hamburgers

since today has the promise of 85 degrees and it is "h" day---i can't help but think of cook-outs and summertime---so naturally, hot dogs and hamburgers are on the menu in my head--

we actually don't cook out that much---usually memorial day weekend, which is when we celebrate colin and kelli's birthdays and 4th of july----sometimes labor day----but just in everyday life, we are known to have a hot dog here and there------

as a matter of fact, one of robyn's favorite meals, is my famous "hot dog hash"----now wait, it's better than it sounds----it's cut up hot dogs, potatoes and onions--fried with lots of oil---my mom used to make it quite often---

but today i would like to talk about, the usual way we eat them both, on buns with lots of toppings---

my favorite ways to eat a hot dog on a bun would be between three choices---just mustard and sweet pickle relish---sauerkraut and spicy mustard or cheese and chili-----

when i do entertain with hot dogs and hamburgers, i really get into having these things on my condiment tray----onions, diced and sliced, cheese slices, of course catsup, maybe three kinds of mustards--relish--pickle spears, bread and butter slices--oh and tomatoes-----and mayo for dustin-----lettuce sometimes--

frank would love hot peppers, but we usually don't have them---

so just having a little fun today, thinking of food and family----

tell me, which do you prefer, a hot dog or a hamburger and what do you top them with!