for James

a little over a week ago I was planning to blog after not doing so for several weeks---

I was thinking how I would do something I don't usually do---make a list of new year's resolutions---

then a week ago yesterday robyn delivered her first born son-----he had died in utero---at 29 weeks---

as many of you know-I am not a stranger to death or despair----and you may recall I am a Christian--

this has thrown me into a dark dark place----that I can't even imagine emerging from---but I try because of robyn and my other children----


softly you came and went--taking the vital part of our being-----the promise of joy never wanting to feel----only echoed life's laughing emptiness--
all the plans  and images of a time in the distant future---stolen and trashed like a punished crime---no one had reported

I stood at the side and witnessed-although I couldn't tell you what I saw---or could speak any truth---for it is unwanted---unacceptable to let one's self drown for too long----the crowds on the shore would not stand for that---they would surely need the lifeline for the next big thing-----


so let me take it in---your face--your pitiful perfect body----know I would take your place---know I will never forget you

don't hate me

we need a little Christmas---right this very minute!

alright--remember this blog entry title----

in my shaky defense---robyn and i have been cooped up in the house----sick with a nasty cold viral thing---looks like we are pretty much over it now------

okay--good writing requires one be as honest as they can-huh---

i have always started decorating for Christmas rather hmmmeeemmm---a wee bit premature---usually after halloween---okay maybe just a week at most before --

my desire to hurry along all the beauty and work of Christmas has proved to be a very practical thing--

there was the times i hosted several family get-togethers ---i mean when i used to do the children's Christmas pageant at church---there would be so many rehearsals---not many weekends to entertain folks  at home---

and what about all those years one of my kids had a hospital stay----many of those illnesses took place right smack dab during the weeks of thanksgiving and Christmas----yep was happy those years to come home with my recuperating child and at least have the decorating done-----

this year dillon was able to find my mom and dad's tree----it must be close to 40yrs old-----yeah i had to remove my kitchen table to make room for it-----it's worth it

so say what you will about the stores being too early----

maybe it's just me---maybe it's my wanting to get a task done as soon as it is given----

but last year when daddy went into the hospital just a few days before Christmas ---it was sorta comforting 

to come home to the glow of Christmas lights----

it was nice to have some things the same----especially since for the first time ever----i didn't cook the Christmas dinner for everyone--but instead--robyn and dillon got chinese for all----some loved the change--others are hoping for no hospital stays this year--actually all are hoping for that i am sure----

and since all us writers are into the honesty thing-----i must confess---i normally have more trees than this---okay so do hate me---right now i hate me too!

trees from top to bottom: #1 our family tree, a hodgepodge of ornaments the kids collected and or made through the years-- #2 i always call this colin's tree, he bought it for me the first year fiber optic trees came out-- #3 my after Christmas 90% off tree-- of course part of the lights didn't work-- #4 robyn's ballet tree-- ornaments from when she started dance at 7 til now-- #5 mama and daddy's tree from over 40 years ago-- so glad dillon found it 

boo!-- blues brothers-- babies-- and biscuits

happy halloween

i have been putting up old halloween pics on my facebook today----

there was a time when i did not let my older boys trick or treat---it was a combo of religious beliefs and safety issues-----they like to remind me of this and how i let robyn participate in this ritual many years later----so sue me boys---we aren't always the same parents to the same kids but we do our best at the time----i still don't like the real dark side of halloween---

but they did have church parties!  

i made as usual goody bags for the grand-kids ----i found these cute bags at target---they reminded me of a stuffed animal one of my daughter-in-law's brother made for the kids----

we had the fall follies last weekend and i think it was one of the weirdest ones yet---good turn-out though and a good time----and as you can see, the blues brothers picked up a bonus bro this year-----yeah john also doubled as our emcee for the evening----he surprised us and we surprised him by getting him to do anything we asked--

robyn has been growing a bit and is half-way through the pregnancy----she is a planner---don't know where she gets it from-----and is so excited that i think she is gonna take off sometimes-----

after she baked this cake the other day, our oven went out----which caused me to try my mama's fried biscuits---something i hadn't even thought of in a long time-------they were really good

enjoy your weekend---

these dreams

i have been known to experience dreams that come true-----they seem to come in spurts and it used to be i would go for months or years before having them again---

about two weeks ago i had such a dream----as most of them that have some truth in reality-this one was very realistic---no weird imagery or the like---which is what the majority of my dreams are---

when i awoke the next morning i knew or was pretty certain the dream was to be told to someone---i shared it with robyn dillon and frank-----it wasn't a  particularly startling dream---just one that had a person i knew, telling me something that he was going to tell everyone about----it was an unusually surprising bit of news---not anything that in real life would seem to make sense----

over this past weekend---i heard that the person had indeed announced the information that he revealed to me in my dream-----

i am deeply moved by this dream and the actuality of the outcome

i sometimes ask God to give me prophetic dreams and then i am shocked when he does--

most of these dreams have little if anything to do with me----sometimes they aren't even about anyone i know---but later i will see the same news story happening the next day---

i do believe God can and does send us visions--signs and dreams---although we aren't suppose to constantly be looking for them----

one night long ago---i heard a noise at my backdoor---i went to look and a huge owl was staring at me on my porch rail----i knocked and knocked-trying to get it to fly away---frank was gone and it was really creeping me out---but it never moved---by morning it was gone----

and by morning i learned my grandmother had passed away----i know some people believe this to be simple superstition---but i prefer to think of it as God's gentle "leadings" of knowledge----

i still don't know why i was given this last dream---but it does let me know however God chooses to speak to us we must listen---

fall food flops-- special birthdays-- follies-- and other news

the weather last couple of days says fall is officially here here----

let's see what do i have to share---well one thing i will share in a video on this blog later------

i haven't made anything too interesting for dinner last week or so---except for beef stew and a surprisingly awful rendition of my before famous loved chicken casserole----i don't know what happened but it was not well received and much of it was thrown out

i guess it does matter what vegetables you choose--although every other time i have put all kinds of combinations ---and for some reason we could not for the life of us-get those biscuits to cook all the way---

over the weekend we celebrated my dad's 90th birthday-----he seemed to enjoy it---and got 2 jackets among his gifts-----

funny thing---my brother was kinda interviewing dad about lots of events in his life---and some history on our church--of which he and mom are charter members--

when asked about some details of the past leaders and such----my aunt interjects about a certain someone---"didn't he run off with some other woman"

did i mention we were recording---

robyn and dillon are anxiously awaiting their baby---all seems well---

yesterday the pastor had robyn and dillon announce what the baby will be----i tell ya---dillon looked like he was gonna explode with joy---

speaking of church---as some of you may recall---our church has an annual event known as the "fall follies"---the next one will be in a couple of weeks------

over the years (when i used to organize it)i  have had to steer some people away from their desired acts or songs--

this one year i was unable to deter our then very pregnant music director from singing "i'm just a girl who can't say no"----now i am wondering if robyn could revive that one-----

Meatless chili?

Just dropping in to keep up my writing a bit

I went to make chili this week only to have very bad smelling ground beef
I ended up making " meatless" chili-- which believe it or not was a big hit- although I do still have some leftovers which doesn't happen a few days later- except that one batch of " brown stuff"---- sorry inside reference to faithful readers-

Something I have discovered pretty recently- if you are planning to serve frozen French fries- why not try one of the different kinds- we really like ones that have cracked black pepper-

This week I made my variation on my sister Martha's Korean stirfry -- this time I added to the stirfry veggies- two steamer bags of Asian flavored veggies - one problem- I can never seem to make enough!

But one thing there is always an abundance of white rice-
I usually end up throwing a good amount out - this time I served it as a side dish next night-- I added a good bit of margarine- pizza seasonings - seasoning salt and pepper- very tasty!

Oh and I made pumpkin chocolate chip muffins

This week has flown by-- I keep wishing I would get inspired to write again but you know " if wishes were horses"

So for now I will follow the few other passions that hit me-

And as I conquer the daily grind and continue to be amazed at  God's infinite grace---- I hear in the distance the haunting seemingly meaningless news of the day

Which is most likely why my response to life is sometimes simply to cook

the autumn leaves

i am on robyn and dillon's laptop today---hence no caps and no auto-correct---

i have been pondering fall or autumn as i think it sounds prettier----now i am pondering the rose by any other name thing----guess i am easily distracted these days

i am trying to force that old love of fall thing----got the pumpkin spice candles burning----already made some pumpkin chocolate chip muffins---and decorated the mantle---although a little differently this year-----

yesterday i even bought all the ingredients for chili except the ground chuck----remember my problem purchasing meat----i plan to get dillon or frank to pick up the meat monday----the next few days won't be chili weather days anyway-----

back to my buying meat problem and shopping issues in general-----i am certain some of my anxieties in this area are due to the many cases of product and food tampering when my oldest boys were very young---started this phobia-----but i push on and with robyn's help i am able to buy most of our weekly needs


okay back to autumn -----i am really missing the grandkids football games---no one is cheering or playing this year----i felt last year that it could be the last time i would pick them up for a game or pack my goody bag with candy chips and drinks-----but had i known for sure---maybe i would have cheered a little louder and brought a few more snacks--

maybe if i listen to my cd ---the one that we won't listen to until september----james taylor's "october road"

silent colors mossy grass----listen closely to the past----circle round the warmest fire---leave no doubt or secret desire---but when it's over stop and check----was it welcomed good was it softly etched---only sneak a backward glance as it's brightness fades----autumn days of gold autumn days we made---