summer dresses

hadn't planned to blog and or write today--but as i have told you, it hits me and haunts me sometimes until all i can do is get it over with--not knowing mostly where the thoughts or ideas will lead exactly but today it is a feeling---one i am not confident i will be able to convey, but i shall try--


a quick trip to the mall today with robyn, had us exiting through one of the women's clothes departments---and there is where i stopped to touch it to let it take me back to my mother's summer dresses---

it seems some of the styles she wore when i was a child are returning or maybe it was just the delicate mix of the floral colors, that brought her image rushing back to me in a flood of emotions--


i could see her on a Sunday afternoon, sitting on the front porch of my grandmother's house, my dad's mom--"queenie"---


as a child we would go there for dinners---straight from church--so mama would never change her clothes----in the summer or even early spring, it would be hotter to her than a sauna---she would have her stockings on and girdle----she was quite miserable and the fans in the piano bench were always taken out and used profusely by her and my dear aunt alice---



lily my great aunt, would always be in a sweater, as she had a stroke years before, she was often cold even in the hottest of days-


my mom always thought she was enormous and we all tried to tell her, that she could take her hose off and she didn't need to cover up her arms---but she never did and always did-


today i could smell her chantilly and hear her funny laugh---but most of all i could remember her dresses and the searches for them-


the many shopping trips with her, the trips downtown, the way the car felt when we returned to it on a hot summer day----the way we fought over my clothes, the way she told me then, what i tell my daughter---and now how i see how much joy she must have felt, when we found that perfect dress--the one that she and i both loved and the rarity of that occasion-


but most of all i see her-i see her as she was, so full of life---her legs making that scratching noise as she crossed them and made that look at me--the look that she thought no one else saw--the look that meant, i am dying out here on this porch, i can't wait to come home and take these clothes off and get in my "house-coat"----which she wore to extreme---

yes the summer dresses only worn on Sundays, are what brought me back today and made me sad and regretful and nostalgic---

when i see her next how i hope it will be in the summer on a Sunday

read me know me---touch me

okay--this may be a little cloudy--i hope not---i told you before that i am not a disciplined writer--how most of what i write comes out of an almost uncontrollable urge to do so--some idea or feelings that won't leave me alone until i do----i also have to say i believe my daughter-in-law adrienne has inspired me to write more lately--since she has been blogging regularly on mondays---

but as i must get out to the grocery store this beautiful monday morning--i also must write, now, in fear that i will lose my spark-


i will attempt to pull together--however loosely--three bombarding ideas---1--that i don't really know if i want writers to read my stuff, only readers---2--how much of yourself do you let others know, before they hate you---and hmmmm i knew there was a third one---see i have waited too long to write!!!!


if the third one comes to me, i will elaborate-----



as i have shared in a previous blog---i have a weird confidence in my writing---i hesitated to share that again, because i fear people will not feel the need to compliment me any longer---let me explain


this confidence does not have any basis in human acceptance---not to say i have not had the accolades of some very close members of my family and some dear sweet friends and readers---but for the most part i have not--as a matter of fact--(not to call anyone out--and they won't see this anyway, since they are not a fan-haha) my family and friends, would have to be paid to read my rantings----or and this would be worse--they have read them and have no opinion----



oh i think i just remembered my third thought!!! i am convinced that one of the very top things one human wants from another is to be known---not even accepted but understood--the good bad and the terminally ugly---


i don't know where it came from--just my personality--but you would not have to know me long, to know me-----yes there were a few years, when i altered this a bit--



i suppose part of me wants to connect, but most of the time as i share my inner most struggles and concerns, fears and regrets---i am met with silence---that's when i feel like the only one who got the memo it was a nudist party-


when people hear someone divulging inadequacies about themselves---i guess, the uncomfortable listener, is thinking something like this-----"hey, i know she is holding back--no one tells all of their sins or mis-steps--so as bad as she is sounding--you mean there is more"-------and there is more of course---i'm a sharer, but i'm not stupid-


as for the writing tool, being used to know a person----i feel if more writers would stop listening to writers and critics--then they might just have something to say---


isn't that what it is all about------


i entered this writing contest a couple of years ago--it asked for about ten or so pages----i entered "queenies bequest"----one of their most negative things they had to say, was, they didn't believe it was fiction-----okay---it was and it wasn't---based on some real people and events---with lots of fiction and character flaws--that were different from most of the real life people's quirks----except maybe one---which was "a little" over the top----


they loved the character development---and although i was thrilled that they even read my work and critiqued (even if i paid them)---their messages were very confusing to me----


so i write and yes i don't plan to be published--(have had one article published)---but have these critics, agents, whoever, been reading in the past twenty years-----for the most part the rules have been thrown out---

just write me a story, just tell it to me entertainingly and touch me---let me see who you are and what you are really saying---make me yearn to reach for something more-----draw me into your head and make me know you and only imagine what you are holding back--

the calling

yesterday frank and i went up at the end of the church service to ask for prayer from the congregation--frank feels like he is suppose to be doing more, like maybe preaching or something---our pastor and another pastor at church have been talking to frank for some time now and have been nothing but supportive----

over 25 years ago frank went forward at church and dedicated his life to the Christian ministry-----he was the pastor's associate for a time at our home church----but then life happened--our special needs children were born and things changed


i feel it was like--the saying "preach the gospel at all times and use words when necessary"----as you may have read if you follow my earlier blogs---we have been visiting an institution since 1989----one little girl turned into a long relationship with the residents there and in a hospital on the grounds-----frank basically did the hospital ministry alone---most of the times i would have kids with us that were not allowed to go on the floors--so we waited----we did the institution together-----i share this to say that for all of his faults (not to say he has more than i do)-- frank has been a real unseen hero for many years, esp. to people that couldn't tell anyone about all the kind and selfless things and time he has given to many through these many years-----

years ago he also had a radio ministry that he paid for himself--it was called "people need the Lord"--it was very good i thought, but we just couldn't afford to keep it--


i have always known that frank has a gift, he has an unnatural desire to read everything spiritual he can and esp. the Bible---i have witnessed that the Spirit definitely gives him keen understanding of what he reads--



-i have to tell you i have asked frank, "are you sure you heard right, and do you think God knows who you are married to" -i know i do not have to depend on my feelings or lack of them--"obedience is better than sacrifice"--i am in support of frank doing what he feels he is to do-------in my unsolicited defense--i have to tell you that i have always been there in frank's corner--telling him he can do whatever he wants, that i believe in him---i even told him once that he could cut open our roof and raise it to make a cape cod expanse--he did it even though he had never done anything construction wise in his life---again, one time i told him to go paint a mural on the boys wall--something also he had never done, never really ever drawn or painted---and he did a beautiful job!!--the point is i am an encourager if nothing else haha---but i have no illusions or romantic notions about what being a pastor or minister is, esp. in our culture---and of course i believe, like my pastor was saying yesterday, that all Christians should be ministers--


frank lost many jobs through the years, because when i or the children needed something or there were hospital times--he would take his sick days, vacation days, whatever he had to do--there was little help--so we had no other choice------he lost one of his favorite secular jobs a few years ago and probably one of the best ones he has ever had-----these last few years have been some of the hardest financially that we have seen, as so many have experienced----frank has no plans to quit his full-time job but may have to give up his second one------

i hope it wasn't wrong to brag on frank------one thing, if he is a minister, i know he will start trying to be better and better at everything--so i told him that was a bonus---he even was going through his closet the other day, tossing stuff--i think that is partly God and partly watching "hoarders" the other day--

i have a willing heart to do whatever God wants of me and so with that as my basis, i know i will be okay as a pastor's wife or whatever ministry our family is lead to be in---thanks for your prayers

if only it were jeans

wow--i am feeling a little overwhelmed by all of robyn's stuff----went to william and mary over the weekend--i felt kinda guilty taking her there to tour--even if she would apply and get in---where is the money------!!!--and the scholarship search is taking over her life and the preparing for sat's----to me it's like why don't they just come with college apps. when they are born--it would save a lot of time---robyn, says to be careful what i put here--so i will haha--but for me who believes in the "un-schooling" method (but don't worry she is in the "tag" program)---this theory is mainly in my head---anyway, you get where i am coming from-----where are the good old days when it wasn't all about this---

big discussion yesterday at church about the differences with planning planning saving saving and security sec-------you get the pt.----and the "give us this day our daily bread"---take no thought---we aren't promised tomorrow-----do not boast about what you will do tomorrow------


no answers once again--we are trusting God to provide the way if robyn is to go to a college of her choice----

i have to say though, i think the college prep is way out of line with my thinking---and yes okay i don't have an over abundance of money---and certainly not earthly security---but i don't think we are to look for that here--

just thought i would blow off some of the frustration i feel-----don't get me wrong--i want my daughter and all of my kids to do what makes them happy--to fulfill their dreams and i am right there rooting them on--but i also don't want to shy away from the things i feel are right to teach them and the values i believe in----i don't ever want them to conform in the wrong way to this world---to spend their life chasing the "american dream"--only to wake up and realize, they took the turnpike instead of the "road less traveled"

i think i am getting it-----buying jeans needs a "dress rehearsal"

i just returned home from the second trip in less than 3 days, for my daughter robyn to look for jeans--first let me assure you she is aware and supportive of my sharing this traumatizing story with all of you----i think she would not have been all for it before today--let's say not on "dress rehearsal day"-

that day "drd" she did not even want to talk about jeans and stubbornly declared that the only pants she would now adorn would be either her dress black pants or her exercise pants----i told her that was fine by me!!

as she tried on several pairs of jeans--all of which-as she calls it--"are made for amazons"---she sulked at every pair, every size and whined that she was a cow and a vertically challenged individual at best-----later she confided that she sat in the dressing room crying-----

one of the things that probably made this horrible trip more unbearable was the fact that her dad was with us---as he cannot get it, that he is not to comment at all----and then when he does and she goes crazy---well let's just say, it ain't pretty---


i must include this information--she is a beautiful girl---not a stick--but was trying on 0's and 1's------i try to tell her just wait---but somehow that is not encouraging-----i tell her hey i once had the same problem many pounds ago and what i would give to have the only size dilemma be the length-----that doesn't penetrate her lonely deep despair either----so we leave--no jeans---no hope that she will ever again be able to wear, what has become the staple of our society, especially in her circles---what has life to hold for her--


like i told you, she is in full agreement with the sharing of this tragic tale--in order as she put it--maybe she could share this with her daughter one day--maybe it could help her through these awful body image self-loathing never pretty enough days--days i tell her will go by so fast---that too does not help one little tiny bit-


so today when i tell her i have to go to the store, she says "hey want to go look at jeans"-----and i answer, of course, there is nothing i would enjoy more-----


and just like in the theatre, if your dress rehearsal is bad, you can be certain you will have a wonderful opening night----2 pair of jeans on sale--Christmas money covered them-so the size and the prices were right----mission accomplished----


i didn't go by the store on the way home----just like a performance i was exhausted--but unlike an opening night, there will be no other shows at least for a month or so-


oh and something for all of you out there looking to supplement your income--i was telling frank the other day---someone could make good money--taking teenage girls to buy jeans----he thought it was a great idea---all applicants please apply in person and must also be available for the dress rehearsal

only trust Him

a couple of years ago we were told my cousin was in her last days, she has a degenerating disease-she is still with us and suffering-

since learning of this death sentence she has lost one of her five younger brothers and yesterday her dad--

also a couple of years ago i was told my mom's brother-a different uncle was on hospice and didn't have long at all---i don't see him often as he lives out of state, so i wrote him a note--basically telling him good-bye---happily he is still with us and doing much much better---

last night i awoke with the feeling i was to write something about all of this--

i have no answers--people we think will live die--people we think will die do die and sometimes they out-live us---

my son just lost one of his childhood friends from cancer-everyone knew it was coming and this past fall we all expected the sad news any day---in that time, my son lost another one of his childhood friends very suddenly--

i think it is mostly good that we don't know what is going to happen---

at least what we perceive as the "bad" parts of life-

what if we find out they were some of the beautiful parts--after all, as a Christian we are taught that things are paradoxical and if you lose yourself you will find yourself--that the last shall be first and the first last---that Christ came to serve and not be served----all pretty foreign from our make it make sense world--and if you do thus and so you will get said out-come--


i wouldn't want to live without my faith in a God that has a plan- a plan that he sometimes gives us glimpses of but for the most part we simply trust-



so while my poor cousin hangs on to a painful life and my aunt grieves for her husband of fifty plus years and eight children - i know that there is order that there is meaning and comfort and peace and new days for some and life's end for others---we just don't know when--thank God

about kit.........................

for those of you who may have been reading my last attempt at a novelette, "autumn of the heart"--i'm sorry i left ya hanging---

"autumn of the heart" was one of my writings where i sit and just start to write with no idea of what i will write or where it may lead--of course after the first entry-i still didn't know where i was going with the story but it is not as cold writing as the first day--

although i write this way on my blog most of the time (as you can probably tell haha)--i haven't done that as a continued story on my blog--"queenie's bequest" was started in 2000 and completed a few years later--


i share all of this wonderfully interesting information--to let you know, at this time i have no plans to finish "autumn of the heart"--as i was very inspired when i started to write it that first day--i let myself, become aware of how what i was feeling about kit was not going to have any real story, so i believe i let it go in a direction, i was not truly connected with, to make it what i thought would be more entertaining --


reserving the right to come back one day to finish, "autumn of the heart"---i will let you know at this time what may or may not have happened to kit----


she may have opened a bridal shop with her friend and have one day been re-united with her daughter, when she came in to pick out her bridal dress-



she may have gone back to the pig of a boss and taken the easy way out, or so it would have seemed to her--she not ever forgiving herself, would take his abuse as her plight in life---


she may have become an alcoholic and stayed at the cottage, also becoming a cat lady---

or she may have walked out into the waters the day she found captain dead----

either way, kit i am sad to say was not in my heart or my spirit----

so to be honest i don't really care what happened to her, because, she meant nothing to me--

i can't promise you, my readers, but i will try to never do this again---i wished i had of known her---sleep in peace kit----you were not my "autumn of the heart"